Taming the Tiger
by Lily and Shadow
Summary: Tigers are warriors: brave, fierce, and cunning. And among them he was a god. No one could have imagined that such a being could be broken. Torture, rape, AT, M&M. Darkfic. REWRITING. HIATUS
1. AN: Rewrite

Hola,  
This chapter no longer exists. I'll probably get rid of it after I have the next chapter up. As anyone who has been watching Taming the Tiger is probably aware, this thing has grown somewhat out of control. It had a rather crappy beginning, but 43 chapters later it's my most read piece. However, I can't stand to read back over it so that I can continue it because the writing is horrible. Not surprising since I started it more than a year ago. So I considered getting rid of it, but I think I would have had an angry mob after me. Conclusion I came to: I should rewrite this. So that's what I'm doing. The current version is, as a Word document, 79 pages and 50,333 words. That puts it in the realm of "book" rather than "short story" so it may take me a while. Please be patient. Once the rewrite is finished I'll post new chapters!  
Jya ne,  
Lily


	2. Invasion

**A/N:** Hola. Yeah, I'm back. I felt this needed something more to it before I left it for any length of time. So there are real characters now. And that bit about a younger, more Satanic Raito? He'll come in later. For now, I'll leave it at this. And now I shall try to sleep... (Laughs hollowly at stupid self.)

**Warning:** Not a happy chapter. Rape. Very scarred, very scared Mello. It's not exactly graphic, but it's the closest I've ever come to writing anything lemon-like, so it mertits a big, bold, glaring warning.

**Disclaimer:** Nothing's changed in the last hour or so.

* * *

Mello tried to force his eyes to focus in the near blackness, but it was no use. He knew someone had opened the door, but all he could tell was that the dim, murky light was hurting his eyes. He couldn't breathe as the man stepped closer. He knew what was coming. Or at least he knew approximately what was coming. The man certainly wasn't there to give him food – they hadn't done that since sometime last week – so either he was in for a beating, or...

He gasped as he felt himself pushed against the wall. Rough hands pawed at the loose folds of leather that had once been a pair of tight pants. There was a pause in the feeling as Mello heard the sound of a belt buckle and a zipper. His pulse quickened and bile burned the back of his throat. Every hint of consciousness, every fibre of his being was telling him to run, but there was nowhere to go. And then the hands were back, pushing his shoulders so that he had to turn his head or have his nose crushed against the wall. He barely bit back a scream as he felt himself penetrated. There was no hint of concern for his well being, but why would he expect that there would be? The man's pace was hard and fast, as though he just wanted to be done with it. Mello hardly registered the deep, guttural sound emitting from the man behind him. His mind was far away as he made a desperate effort not to recognize what was happening. He was back in a warmer place in happier times with much better company. Not that that said much. Anywhere was preferable to here, and he was quite certain that the rats he sometimes heard behind the walls would have made for better company. At least they wouldn't do _this_ to him.

He felt a sudden warmth that had nothing to do with pleasure – not his, at least – and then the man was gone, closing the heavy door behind him. Knowing it was finally relatively safe, he sank to the cold floor, sobbing silently for fear of someone hearing. He just wished it would end, even if he had to die for that to happen. He had considered several times ending his life, but he never tried. He did not have adequate means to do so and if he failed he would probably be punished for trying. So instead he simply lay there, cold and filthy and injured and violated, hating everything and wishing for nothing but eternal sleep. No, not sleep. With sleep came dreams. He no longer had dreams, only nightmares. Void then. That would be it. Sweet, merciful nothingness. Just an end to the torment. Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing.


	3. Play Time for Monsters

**A/N:** Hola. Yep, I'm back. Here's part three. Yes, I know this is horribly dark right now. Things always have to get worse before they can get better. But seriously, am I doing something wrong here? No one's commented. If it sucks, tell me and I'll fix it. Anyway, here's part three.

**Warning:** More Mello abuse.

**Disclamer:** Not mine.

* * *

Mello woke the next... was it morning? He couldn't tell. Either way, he figured he had slept for about three hours. It was the sound of the door opening that woke him. This time, though, it was the thin man who entered the room. He was pale, so much so that he nearly glowed, and that was how Mello recognized him. He was abnormally thin and abnormally pale. Mello smiled at his approach. This man was good. This man had never hurt him, never laid a hand on him. This was the man who brought him food and water. He never spoke, this man, but that was alright. He wasn't violent and that was good enough. The food was better than good enough.

Mello waited until the thin man was gone to investigate the food he had left. It seemed to be something similar to oatmeal. Then again, Mello was so starved that he would eat anything right now. He tried not to eat too fast, for fear of making himself sick and wasting precious food, but it still took him almost no time to devour what he had been given.

Of course, Mello knew that feeding him was also an excuse to bring him out to play. After all, they would joke, Mello was still a kid. Just that made Mello feel sick. They considered him a kid, but they still did those things to him. He just hoped that they wouldn't decide to take him out today. But no sooner had he finished that thought than the door creaked open again.

"Hey there, kiddo," the man laughed menacingly. "Why dontcha come out en play?"

Mello tried not to cringe as the man clipped a leash to the collar they had placed around his neck. It served as a constant reminder that he was their dog. The skin beneath it was rubbed red and raw and had been for weeks now. He was almost certain it was infected. Not that any of that mattered to the man at the other end of the leash. No, he was just their plaything, a mere toy for these disgusting animals.

There was a sharp tug on the leash and he closed his eyes against the bright light. In all truth it was only typical strip lighting like one might expect to find in an industrial building, but to Mello's light-starved eyes it was blinding. He could hear the snickering of five or six men. He opened his eyes to see who had gathered this time. The thin man was absent, as was usual, but so was the cruellest man who Mello assumed to be their leader. That was odd. He never seemed to miss a chance to torture him. Then he felt something heavy collide with the back of his head. Oh. Maybe he was there.

One of the men, a big ugly brute with brown hair and a jagged scar running down the left side of his face, made a grab at him. Without thinking he clamped his teeth down on the hand that had found its way to his face. He actually managed to land a punch on the foul creature before he was restrained and thrown to the ground. Then a black boot connected with his temple and he saw no more.

When Mello woke he was lying in his cell. He tried to sit up, but found that he couldn't. He was covered in cuts and bruises and he was certain he had a few broken bones. He tried to take a deep breath to calm his nerves and winced as a sharp pain shot through his chest. It was difficult to breathe at all, actually. And he couldn't feel his right arm. Silently he wondered just how much more of this he could take. He had been beaten with chilling frequency, but they had never injured him this badly. And it wasn't as though he had never tried to fight back before. Perhaps they didn't plan on keeping him around much longer...

Closing his eyes, he tried to shift into a more comfortable position. Finding that to be impossible, he gave up and simply sprawled out on his back, willing sleep to come and take his pain away.


	4. Introspection

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter four. This is more introspective. That's about it.

Thank you to Matty for being my first reviewer! Yeah, this story is kind of disturbing, but it's supposed to be. And I promise it'll get better.

**Warning:** Do I really need to repeat this? If the warning hasn't sunk in by now then it's not going to.

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine.

* * *

Mello shivered against the cold that had begun to invade his dark cell. He could tell that winter was beginning to set in and that thought was chilling in more than one way: he had been captured in the summer. He wondered where Matt was. Was he safe and warm? Was he happy? Did he miss Mello? Or did he even realize that Mello was gone? What was he doing right now, at this moment? What about Near? How was the investigation going? Had Kira been captured yet? Did anyone even know he was gone? Probably not.

He curled into a tight ball. It was so cold. Lying on the hard floor hurt because he was so thin, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. When he tried to stand he just got dizzy and fell back down, so he had stopped trying. This he attributed to the fact that he wasn't eating or drinking nearly enough. He was fed once every week and a half and given water every third day. Just enough to keep him alive. He wasn't even sure he wanted to be alive anymore, but something in him just wouldn't let him die. It made him bitter to think of just how far he had fallen. He had been a skilled fighter once, perfect with any sort of weapon and deadly in hand to hand combat. And yet it had taken one shot to take him down. Just one. The shooter had been hiding and he had shot to immobilize rather than kill. That was the worst part of it. He had been holding on to the barest edges of consciousness when he had been captured. He knew what was happening, but he couldn't fight back. When he had first arrived they starved him into weakness before his door was ever opened. There was no way he could have broken out, as he had been stripped of all tools and weapons, and by the time they finally opened the door for the first time he was too weak to fight back effectively enough to get away.

And now... Now he was ruined. He was broken, physically and emotionally. He was so deathly thin that his joints hurt when he tried to move. Just lying there, even if he sprawled out on his back, was painful. It was to the point now where he threw up blood nearly everytime he tried to eat. And that was just from the starvation, speak not of his injuries. He had been beaten and ...raped so many times that he was certain it was impossible that he would ever full recover from his injuries. And emotional and mental damage. It was astounding, really, what they had been able to do to someone who had once been so strong. He was afraid of everyone, he jumped at every little noise, he feared contact, he feared light, he wanted to die. He was just a broken shell of the veritable warlord he had once been.

He had given up all hope of escape. He was going to die here. What was the point in denying it when he knew that to be the inescapable truth? He was going to die here, broken and alone. He would never see Matt again. Never hold him, never confide in him all the terrible things that had happened. He had never confessed to Matt just what he felt for him and he regretted that, but it was too late now. He was going to die here broken and alone without ever seeing Matt again.

Even if he did miraculously get out of here alive, he didn't know what he would do. The idea of being able to hold Matt again like he had done at the orphanage when the boy had nightmares... that seemed to foreign. He would not be able to let Matt touch him. He wouldn't be able to let anyone touch him for fear of hurting them simply out of reflex. By this time he had come to fear contact above anything else and he was afraid of what would happen if he let Matt get too close. But it was all wishful thinking. He was going to die here, cold and broken and alone, unloved and without Matt.

He couldn't keep thinking like that. He would get out. He had to. He couldn't keep living this way or he would simply cease to live. If you could call this living in the first place. Where would he go? He had no home and no one to turn to. He had been utterly alone. Powerful, but alone. The only real difference now, he supposed, was that now he was broken and alone. There was nothing left to live for anymore.

He fingered the collar around his neck. It had begun to fray from all the time he had spent pulling at the threads. He had the feeling that with the exception of the bruises and the raw patch under the collar he would be deathly paler. That was if you could tell through the grim. To say he had been poorly kept would be an understatement. He felt utterly disgusting. Not only was he covered head to toe in grim from the past however many months it had been, but there was also the feeling of uncleanliness from the brutal assaults he faced nearly daily. He could probably scrub forever and never feel clean.

He pressed his knees harder into his chest as he fought to stay warm. If he didn't starve to death or die of his injuries surely the coming winter would kill him. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. When he had first arrived he had cried. The first time in years, the tears leaving streaks down his cheeks. But now he had gone through so much that he couldn't cry anymore.

He wanted to sleep, but he was afraid of the nightmares. He remembered Matt's nightmares at Wammy's. He had been the only one to know about them. He would dream that he was back in his home on the night his parents had been murdered. He watched them die over and over in his mind. He had been a child when it happened, not yet old enough to rationalize what had happened and it still haunted him. Mello's nightmares weren't quite like that. He could feel the rough hands of the men, feel the pain of being beaten or... he didn't like to think about it. He felt so helpless, so out of control. He wanted to die. He was going to die. He couldn't last much longer. He was going to die here, cold and broken and alone. He was going to die...

The door creaked open and Mello cringed. He knew what was coming.


	5. Angel Wings and the Tiger

**A/N:** Hola. Back with another chapter. I promise this is the last purely disturbing chapter. They have all served a purpose, though. Chapter one was obvious. An explination of what was happening. Chapter two, Mello's condition of dispondancy and to show what was happening to him. Chapter three there's a hint of hope with the thin man. More of what has caused Mello's emotional scars. Chapter four, introspection showing how his imprisionment has affected him. And this one just explains some things that are important in his thought process. And this is not immedatly following chapter four. This is a little over a month later.  
**About chapter four: if you read it and just kinda went "Wtf? Why are Near, Matt, and L here?" I put in the wrong chapter. That was chapter four of Truth, not chapter four of Tiger. I fixed it as soon as I realized it, but it hasn't shown up yet. It should be fixed soon. Sorry for the confusion.**

**Warning:** Just the standard warning for this story.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Blood. There was so much of it. It was as though the walls had been painted with his blood. He couldn't see the colour in the darkness, but it was still sticky and he could feel it. He felt so weak. Today had been more brutal than anything he could remember. There had been three men. They had raped him, beaten him, and left him to bleed. He was used to that, but this had been worse than usual. 

He had two deep gashes down his back that wouldn't stop bleeding. One of the men, the one who had cut him, laughed and said it made him look like an angel with severed wings. They had cut straight through the tiger tattooed on his left shoulder. Really he couldn't help but laugh at the irony. The tiger wasn't just something pretty. It meant something to him. It was a symbol of his strength, his courage, his power. It was his identity and his guide. Severed. Like the angelic wings he never had, symbols of the innocence, if you could call it that, which they had stolen from him.

He felt broken, empty, alone. It was gone. Everything. They had stripped him of everything. His pride, his honour, his dignity, his strength, it was all gone. He was used and he was ruined. But he hung on, clinging to life just to spite them. They could hurt him, they could humiliate him, they could break him and taint him, but they could not kill him. He would never go down. Not for the likes of them. He may be reduced to scum, but they were lower.

The blood was drying on the wall, matting his hair to it so that he had to pull the strands loose so that he could move away. His golden hair clung not only to the wall but to the side of his face as well. There was a gash running along his jaw on the left side of his face. That, however, had stopped bleeding. He could no longer feel the sticky liquid oozing down his back through the layers of the stuff already hardened and flaking, but he knew it was there. He wondered just how deep they had cut. Carefully he reached one hand around to his other shoulder, ignoring the searing pain this caused in his back. The cut felt deep enough to have gone to the bone. And that made since considering the man said they looked like severed wings. But at least they were straight. They would close up easier that way than if they had been jagged.

He was absolutely freezing, save for his back which was covered in warm blood. He figured he should put his vest back on, but he didn't want to risk having it stick to the wounds and pull them open again. Instead he curled up against the wall farthest from the outside where it was a couple of degrees warmer. He usually slept as far from the door as possible, but he figured sleeping where he would not be immediately visible was just as good. He pulled his vest to him so that it covered his chest, leaving his back bare, and curled into a ball, careful not to stretch his back. The blood loss made sleep come easier, since he was already tired and he was starting to get dizzy. At least it was good for something.


	6. Police

**A/N:** Hola. Yep, chapter 6. And as promised things are looking up. THis is several months after chapter 5. So, yeah. On with the chapter.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Mello listened in fear as gunshots rang out somewhere above him. There was shouting and the sound of sirens as more gunshots echoed in his dark cell. Mello pressed himself as close to the wall as possible, breathing ragged, heart pounding, muscles tense, and eyes wide in the darkness.

Slowly the racket overhead died down and there were footsteps in the stairwell. Mello held his breath as they approached the door. There was a bang and the door swung open wide enough to reveal two men in uniform. Mello tried to press himself further against the wall as he shielded his eyes from the light.

One of the officers pulled a walkie-talkie from his belt and spoke into it. "Mike, I need a paramedic down here. There's a hostage. He looks to be in pretty bad shape. We might need a stretcher to move him."

The other officer began to move cautiously toward the boy huddled against the wall. The boy had big blue eyes and long hair that might have once been blonde. His face was gaunt and he was trembling. The officer was disgusted to see that there was a dog collar around the boy's neck and he was covered in cuts and bruises. He wore a black leather vest and a pair of black leather pants that looked as though they had seen better days.

As he drew closer the boy narrowed his already squinting eyes and bared his teeth like a feral cat. He forced himself into a crouching position, readying himself for a fight that would surely kill him. The officer stopped walking.

"It's alright. I'm not going to hurt you," he said gently. "My name is Ryan and I'm with the NYPD – the New York City Police Department. We're here to help."

He watched the conflict on the boy's face. Mello considered what was happening. The gunshots, the shouting, this man claimed to be an NYC cop. If that was true, then the men who had imprisoned him had been captured. Still, he didn't trust this Ryan guy.

"Do you understand?" Ryan asked.

Mello nodded.

"Can you speak?"

Mello opened his mouth to answer in the affirmative and found that he could not. Panicking, he tried to figure out why. He tried to remember the last time he had spoken and realized that he had not uttered a word since he was captured last summer. It was spring now. He shook his head.

"Can you write?" the officer asked.

Mello nodded.

Ryan held out a note pad and a pen to the boy, but the blonde recoiled. "It's alright. I won't hurt you," he said, tossing the items on the floor at the boy's feet. "What's your name?"

Mello picked up the note pad and pen and scribbled down a few characters in Russian before holding it up. Maybe writing in another language would make the cop go away so he could escape.

"I can't read that," Ryan said patiently. "Can you write it in English?"

Mello took the note pad back bad temperedly and scribbled something in English under the Russian before holding it up again.

_Arseniy Petrenov._

Ryan nodded and watched as the kid took the note pad back and wrote something else.

_The light is hurting my eyes._

"Sorry," Ryan said. The paramedic behind him tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. Mildly surprised, Ryan turned around and told her, "He's mute."

"I know," she said. "I've been watching. We need to take him up to the ambulance."

Mello shook his head franticly. The lady medic looked at him with concern. "Come on, hun. It's ok."

Still he refused. When she offered him a hand, he backed away. Moving out of the cell, she went to speak to the other three medics who had followed her down. Mello didn't like that. And he really didn't like when they all came into the cell, backing him into a corner. He fought with what little strength he had left as they tried to put a needle in his arm. Finally he lost and the world began to spin and fade away.

* * *

**A/N:** Arseniy, the name Mello uses, is a Russian name derived from Artimis, the Roman goddess of the hunt. 


	7. Found

**A/N:** Hola. This is probably the last chapter I'll post for a while. I don't think very many people like this story. I just wanted to get past all the uber-angst and disturbing stuff. As promised, it's gotten better. And Matt's there. And Near's in the story. Yay!

**Dsclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Matt started as his phone rang loudly. With Mello gone no one ever called him. 

"Hello?" he answered.

"Matt, this is Near," the voice on the other end of the line said. "They've found Mello."

"Oh my god," Matt breathed. By 'they' he assumed Near meant the police. That was bad. That meant Mello was in trouble. "How do you know it's him? He wouldn't be stupid enough to call himself Mello around a cop."

"The name in the report was Arseniy Petrenov," Near said. The report said he was a blue eyed blonde, about five seven, and he had a tattoo of a tiger on his left shoulder blade."

"That sounds like Mello," Matt said softly. Near would have been absolutely certain of the ID before calling him. He knew how the search for the trigger happy blonde was tearing the gamer apart. He knew Matt wouldn't be able to handle a false lead. "Is he alright? Where is he?"

"A hospital in Manhattan," Near answered. "I'll send you the location. Matt?"

"Yeah?" That tone coming from Near was bad.

"Don't act too shocked when you see him. He's in pretty bad shape," Near said softly.

"Alright," Matt gulped. What exactly did 'pretty bad shape' mean?

"And don't try to touch him," Near advised.

"Alright," Matt said. "What happened to him?"

"You're better off not knowing," Near said calmly. "I've sent the directions. Good luck."

And with that the connection was broken.

* * *

When Mello woke he was lying in a bed in a white room. There was a needle in his arm connected to several IV drips and small electrodes covered his chest. Without the slightest sign of hesitation he pulled the needle out of his arm and began peeling off the electrodes. Lightheaded and disoriented, he tried to get up as the monitors beside the bed flat lined. The shrill wail of the alarms brought a frantic nurse rushing into the room. When she saw what had happened, she calmed slightly. He was alright. And he was awake. She stopped the alarms and tried to urge him back to bed. 

"Arseniy," she said questioningly.

No response.

"Arseniy, go back to bed," she said.

He stared at her, but still didn't answer.

"Arseniy, are you listening to me?" she asked.

The blonde's expression clouded and he opened his mouth only to close it again without saying a word. The nurse blinked. That's right. This one was mute.

"Come on, dear," she said sweetly. His file said he knew English. "You have to go back to bed so you can get better."

Mello complied unwillingly. He felt weak and drowsy. He had realized by now that he was in a hospital, but that didn't mean he trusted the people.

* * *

Matt was at the hospital in no time flat. And before the man at the parking deck could blink he had parked his bike and was through the hospital doors like a striped whirlwind. 

"How may I help you?" the secretary asked, glancing up at him.

"I'm here to see Arseniy Petrenov," he said.

"I'm sorry, but he's not allowed visitors," the woman said.

"I'm his brother," Matt lied. Well, it wasn't quite a lie. They had been raised in the same orphanage.

"You don't look anything like him," the lady said, raising an eyebrow. "What's your name?'

"Edmund Petrenov," Matt said.

"Edmund isn't Russian," the lady at the desk said sceptically.

"Well excuse me for being adopted," Matt snapped, finally angry.

"Oh," the woman wilted under his glare. "Right. He's in room number 302 on the fourth floor."

"Thanks," Matt replied curtly, not taking the time to wonder at the hospitals numerical system.

Matt arrived at 302 on the fourth floor just as a short, black haired nurse was leaving. He held up a hand to stop her.

"Is this Arseniy Petrenov's room?" he asked.

She nodded. "Who are you?"

"His brother," Matt said. "My name's Edmund."

Again the nurse nodded. "Maybe you'll be able to help, then. He hasn't let any of us near him."

Matt nodded. "I'll see what I can do."

He opened the door and peered inside. In the dim light he could barely make out Mello's form on the bed. Briefly he wondered why it was so dark, but that wasn't important. What mattered was that he finally had Mello back.

"Mel?" he called quietly. He saw the boy turn to face him, but he received no answer. "Mel?"

_Matt?_ The question was signed rather than asked.

"Yeah," Matt answered. He could feel his eyes welling with tears. He knew he would say something, but the words wouldn't come. "My god. Mel. I've missed you so much. Where have you been? What happened to you?"

Matt looked around the dim room at all of the machines and wires and then back down at Mello's nearly skeletal form. Mello just stared up at him, blue eyes wide.

_I was kidnapped. I don't want to talk about it._ Again, the response was signed. _You looked for me?_

"Of course I did," Matt said hoarsely.

Mello appeared to have thought of something important and signed _Speak in Russian so they can't understand you._

Matt sighed. Mello and his paranoia. Some things would never change. "Fine. Is that why you're signing?" he responded in perfect Russian.

Mello shook his head.

"Why?" Matt asked. "And why is it so dark in here?'

_Being locked in a dark room for ten months tends to make your eyes sensitive,_ Mello signed with a look that said quite clearly 'you're an idiot.'

"I didn't know," Matt said. Then another thought occurred to him. "You can't speak, can you?"

Again Mello shook his head. Matt reached out a hand to hold Mello's, but stopped as he remembered Near's warning. "Mel, I missed you so much."

_Matt, don't leave,_ Mello pled. He didn't want to be left alone again. And now that Matt was here he never wanted to let the redhead out of his sight ever again.

"Don't worry," Matt said gently. "I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

**A/N: **Edmund means protector. I like to think that they have reasons for choosing code names. 


	8. Light and the Darkness

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 8. So.. this is rather depressing. I feel so bad for Matt in this chapter. Oh, and the reason this took me forever to post: I started typing it and then my computer decided to be dumb and shut down word, so I lost all of what I'd typed and it only recovered about half of it. Then I lost the paper this was written on. That's alright, this version's better. Anyway, _italics_ are Mello signing. Remember, he's mute.

Thank you to Kat, maya, and okepai for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it.

* * *

Matt didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he woke the next morning. When he did the first thing he saw was Mello sound asleep in his hospital bed. Matt slowly remembered why the doctors had allowed him to stay. He was the only one who could get close to 'Arseniy' alone. Mello wouldn't allow anyone near him if Matt wasn't there. Besides, 'Edmund' spoke 'Arseniy's language and could speak to him better. He could also read sign language. And it helped that the nurses were still convinced that they were brothers. Personally, though, Matt was sick of the code names.

Opening the curtains to allow the bright morning sunlight into the dim room, Matt finally got a chance to look over some of Mello's injuries. There was a long scar running along the left side of his jaw and a rough abrasion wound around his neck. Much of his skin was covered in bruises of various colours and stages of healing. He looked awful. In addition to his injuries he was pale and dangerously thin. They had cut his hair short, too. Mello wouldn't be happy when he realized that.

With a sigh Matt rose and walked to the window. It felt good to rest his head against the cool glass and let the warm morning sun wash over him. It was calming. Right now he needed more than anything to be able to think clearly, but it was hard to be cold and rational with the condition Mello was in. The doctors said he would recover, but that wasn't what Matt wanted. Not all of it, at least. He was glad Mello would heal, but he wanted the emotional scars to be gone too. He knew the blonde would never be the same. He would never be whole again.

There was a soft sound behind him and he turned around to see Mello watching him. He had a hand raised to shield his eyes and he was glancing toward the sunlight with a look of absolute horror. Quickly Matt pulled the curtains shut and went to sit beside his friend.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently, keeping himself from running a hand through Mello's now short hair.

_The light_, the frightened blonde answered. _Matt, where are we?_

Matt's face fell. Mello didn't remember, and that was bad. "We're in the hospital. What's wrong with the light?"

_**They**__ brought the light_, Mello told him with a shudder. _Why are we in the hospital?_

"You were hurt," Matt said softly. It was like talking to a child. The gamer just sighed. He had been warned about this. Mello was on some pretty heavy painkillers. They had had to re-break a couple of bones to set them properly and he had been in bad shape to begin with. Actually, Matt was just surprised Mello was awake. "Who brought the light?"

Mello just shook his head. Cautiously Matt extended a hand toward the blonde. He knew he shouldn't, he knew there was a chance he would be hurt or that he would scare Mello, but he couldn't help it. To see him like that, it hurt more than any damage Mello could inflict. Almost.

Mello's eyes widened at the sight of the approaching hand and he jerked backward as though trying to get away. He winced when he twisted the IV line attached to the needle in his arm and promptly began an attempt to remove it.

"Hey!" Matt shouted. He grabbed Mello's hand before he could really manage anything. "Don't mess with that."

Matt realized that Mello had stopped trying to pull out the needle. Instead he was perfectly still, staring up at Matt with an expression of terror. That was when Matt realized what he had done. Rather than pull away he gently worked his hand around Mello's, interlacing their fingers.

"Shh. It's ok," he whispered gently. "I'm not going to hurt you. You remember back at the orphanage? You remember when I had nightmares and you would wake me up and hold me if I cried? I want to do that for you, but I don't know how. Please, Mello, let me help you. I promise I won't do anything to you. I just want to sit here and hold your hand. You can trust me. Remember?"

Mello nodded, but he still looked scared. _I know, but I can't._

"It's alright. I understand," Matt said softly, forcing himself to smile even though he felt like someone had torn out his heart. The look of fear Mello was giving him hurt more than anything. "You can't mess with your IV," he said as he let go of Mello's hand. "I'm not sure exactly what's in that, but I know it's helping to keep you here." He didn't want to say it was keeping Mello alive, because that would force him to recognize that he could lose the one person who really mattered. "You don't want to go, do you?"

Mello understood exactly what Matt was trying to say and nodded wearily. _I do._

"Mello," Matt choked as his eyes widened. He was fighting to keep his emotions in check. "Don't say that. Ever. You can't go. You can't leave me here. Mello..."

The gamer felt a single tear escape to slip down his cheek. That was all Mello needed to see. He turned away, not wanting to see the pain he was causing his best friend. The blonde knew it was his fault. All of it was his fault. Everything that had happened. The pain, the sorrow, the hollowness, the guilt – it was suffocating him. He felt like he was drowning. All he wanted was the dreamless sleep the sedatives provided. He wanted to escape. He wanted it to end. What he had told Matt was true. He wanted to die.


	9. You Only Hurt the Ones You Love

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter nine. I said I wasn't going to be posting due to finals, but this was a way to de-stress. My first one's today. Be warned, this is not pretty. And yes, I know that kind of painkiller takes forever to wear off. I've been on them before. Just go with it. The first section is Matt, the second section starts out with Mello. Just a quick formatting note: in previous chapters _italics_ were signing. Starting in this chapter _Italics are thought_ and **bold is signing**. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Nezumi Wing, SincerelyRainbow, and Dawn-at-Midnight for reviewing!

**Warning:** Attempted suicide.

**Disclaimer:** Death Note is not mine.

_

* * *

_

_What have I done? I know Near said not to touch him. God, I'm an idiot. Why didn't I listen? Now he won't even look at me. I need to know what happened. It's not optional anymore. Near was wrong when he said I would be better off not knowing. He was trying to protect me, I know, but for Mello's sake I _have _to know what happened to him. He won't tell me, though. I'll have to find out from one of the nurses. I _need_ to know so that I don't hurt him again._

_

* * *

Why did I do that? Why did I tell him that? It was true enough, but I could have lied. A lie would have been easier on him. But I did mean it. I don't want this life. I can't live like this. For christssake I freaked out about the sunlight this morning. It's fucking pathetic. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live. _

_Matt's asleep. He fell asleep with his head on his arms on the edge of my bed. It's almost endearing, in an odd way. At least he looks peaceful now. He looked almost... frantic before. He's so laid back. __I don't think I've ever seen him__ look so scared in my as when I said I wanted to die._

_Matt's asleep. That means he's not watching me. I could take out the IV and he wouldn't notice. I want to get rid of the stickers on my chest, too, but I've already set off the alarms once by doing that. Just the IV then._

Mello tugged lightly at the needle in his arm, as though testing it. Slowly he peeled off the tape that held it down and slid the needle out of his skin. There. Much better. He jabbed the needle into the side of the mattress so that from where Matt was sitting it would still appear to be in his arm. He didn't want the red head to panic again. Cautiously he reached out and placed a trembling hand on Matt's head, smoothing his auburn hair back away from his eyes. He wanted so badly to say goodbye while the gamer was still asleep and wouldn't hear, but he would have to sign it and that just seemed stupid. Instead he opted just to lie there and pet Matt's hair.

Matt, however, wasn't asleep. From the moment he had felt Mello's hand on his head he was wide awake. He thought Mello would withdraw quickly, but much to his surprise the hand stayed, gently stroking his hair. Still, he just lay there until his impatience finally got the better of him. Sitting up he caught Mello's hand and looked directly into his blue eyes.

"Mel?" he said softly. He had to admit he was surprised by the affectionate gesture.

The colour drained from Mello's face, as though he had been caught doing something terrible. Matt could see the internal fight in his eyes.

"Shh, it's alright," the red head whispered gently. Slowly he rubbed small circles on the back of the frightened boy's hand with his thumb in an effort to comfort him. "I don't mind."

The blonde opened his mouth as though to say something, but closed it just as quickly. Matt frowned at the gesture. "What is it?"

Mello hesitated a moment, then withdrew his hand from Matt's. **I missed you.**

"I missed you, too," Matt said gently. He didn't think now was the best time to inform Mello of just why he had missed him so much. "I missed you more than you can imagine."

The blonde frowned for a moment, hands hovering just over his chest as though there was something else he wanted to say. His expression was dark as he tried to decide whether or not he should say what he was thinking. Finally his hands moved again. **I love you.**

Matt caught the hand closest to him and held it so that he could place a light kiss on the palm. He looked directly in to Mello's eyes as he spoke. "Mel, you have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that."

He felt completely overwhelmed. Unshed tears sparkled in his green eyes, but he didn't care. He felt overjoyed and completely devastated all at once. He wanted more than anything to kiss the frail blonde, but he knew he couldn't. Instead he settled for taking Mello's hand in both of his own and pressing it to his cheek.

It was an amazing thing, knowing that Mello returned his feelings. And yet, what the blonde had said before still troubled him. Mello loved him, yes, but he wanted to die. Matt pressed Mello's hand a little closer against his face before lowering it back onto the bed.

"Mel?" he whispered, almost afraid of what he was going to ask. "You're not going to leave me, are you?"

At that question, Mello broke eye contact. He glanced over at his other arm, the one with the IV, obviously distressed. He could already feel the effects of the drugs beginning to wear off.

"Mello?" Matt said, green eyes wide as he felt a wave of panic wash over him. "Mel? No. Mel, you're not gonna leave me, right? You're going to stay. We can get through this. I know it's not easy. God, I wish I could do something to take the pain away, but I can't. But I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Mel? Mello!"

No answer. Mello closed his eyes and tightened his grip on Matt's hand as the pain hit him. He felt his whole body tense as everything became horribly clear again. There was a searing pain in his ribs and right arm. His back felt as though someone had kicked him repeatedly. He tried to curl up in order to block it out, but he couldn't. He was too stiff and his legs didn't want to cooperate.

"Mello?" Matt cried again. He put a hand on the boy's shoulder to hold him down. He was afraid he would hurt himself if he went on like he was. That was when he noticed the IV needle stuck in the bed. There was the problem. Everything they had him on was wearing off and the pain was starting to set in again. "You idiot," he hissed, pressing the button to call the nurse.

Not two minutes later a short woman in scrubs stood at the door. "Yes?"

"My idiot brother decided it would be a good idea to pull out his IV," Matt hissed, shooting Mello a look of rage.

Mello gave him a somewhat weaker, but just as angry, glare. **I knew exactly what I was doing!** he signed.

"Yeah, killing yourself," Matt roared in Russian so that the nurse wouldn't understand him. "Are you honestly stupid enough to think I'd let you get away with that? Or did you think I wouldn't notice!? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

By this time the nurse had replaced the needle on the IV and was trying to get the attention of the 'brothers.' "Edmund," she said. "If you could get Arseniy to hold still it would be a great help."

Matt nodded curtly before muttering something to Mello that the nurse didn't understand. Whatever it was, though, it worked. The blonde lay completely still and let her replace the needle. However, instead of leaving she turned to Matt and asked another question. "Has he said or done anything unusual lately that might indicate why he would do that?"

The question caught Matt off guard, but he answered it truthfully in spite of Mello's signed protest. "Yes," he said in English. He glanced back at Mello and snapped, "Shut up. I'm well aware that you can understand me." before turning back to the nurse. She looked startled. "He's said that he doesn't want to live any more. My guess is that that was some sort of suicide attempt. Not that he'll tell me if I'm right."

She nodded and said something about notifying one of the doctors before leaving again. Once she was gone Matt turned back to Mello, a look of fury on his normally calm face. "What the hell did you think you were doing?" he seethed, moving to stand right next to the blonde. Mello cringed and tried to sit up as though that would somehow protect him from Matt's anger. "First you tell me you love me and then you go and try to kill yourself! Are you completely stupid?!" he shouted, hands clenching into fists at his side. "I have half a mind to..." He had raised one hand, but dropped it again at the look of wide eyed terror on Mello's gaunt face. Matt sighed, anger still smouldering in his emerald eyes. "I'm calling Near. I need to know what happened to you and it's obvious you're not going to tell me. Near has a copy of the police report. I swear to God, Mello, if you do anything stupid while I'm out of the room, I'll kill you myself. Clear?"

Mello nodded dumbly and watched Matt's retreating back as the fuming red head went out into the hall. He felt tears of anger, frustration, and fear welling in his eyes as he thought to himself, _What have I done?_


	10. Truth Revealed

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter ten. I think this is actually worse than chapter nine. And Matt swears a lot. And the comment about Rester, well, Matt's just kind of angry at the world at that point. And I know this is a cliff hanger. Don't kill me. That said, on with the chapter.

Thank you to SincerelyRainbow and Con Fuoco for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I'm pretty sure no one honestly believes that I own Death Note.

* * *

"Goddamnit Near, pick up your damn phone already," Matt muttered under his breath as the phone rang for the third time.

"Hello?" It was Rester's voice.

"Let me talk to Near. Now," Matt snapped. He was in no mood to deal with this incompetent fool at the moment.

"I'm sorry, sir, but may I ask to whom I am speaking," Rester said calmly.

"Rester, I swear to God if you don't give the phone to Near _right now_ I –"

"What happened?" This time it was Near's voice.

"Mello," Matt said, not bothering to ask how Near knew it was him calling. Near was just odd that way. Most likely he had been listening in. "I need to know what happened to him."

"What happened? Is he alright?" Near asked, sounding almost concerned.

Matt nearly growled into the phone. "No, he's not fucking alright. He tried to kill himself. Damnit, Near, tell me what happened."

"You won't like it," the pale boy said bluntly.

"I. Don't. Care," Matt seethed. "I need to know."

"Alright," Near said far too calmly for Matt's liking. "You need to calm down. What happened?"

"I don't know. He freaked out about the sunlight and he tried to pull out his IV needle and I stopped him and I don't know." By this point Matt was frantic. He was pacing back and forth in front of the door practically yelling into his phone and passing nurses were giving him odd looks. "I told him he needed to leave the needle alone and he said something about he wanted to die. I panicked. I know you said not to touch him, but I panicked. Oh god, he actually managed to get rid of the IV this afternoon and I didn't notice until he started to tense up from the pain and... and... I don't know. Near, I don't want to lose him. Oh god. Near, I threatened him..."

"What?" Near sounded more disappointed than angry.

"After the whole thing with the needle just now," Matt explained. "I was just...I – I was hurt and I was angry. I acted like I was going to hit him. God, the look on his face. What did I do?"

"More than you probably realize," Near said grimly. "You'll understand when you read the report. You should have it in a couple of minutes. My advice would be to keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn't try anything. But don't get near him. If you threatened to hit him, he'll probably be afraid of you now. Stay away from him unless he specifically requests otherwise or if he tries to do something to harm himself."

"Alright," Matt said weakly.

"Good luck. I trust you will take good care of him," Near said gently. Then there was a soft click and the connection was broken.

Matt leaned back and slid down the wall, dropping his phone on the floor next to him. He couldn't take this. He was used to Mello being the one to threaten him, although he knew the blonde would never follow through on any of those threats. So why had Mello been so scared of him? He had always been less aggressive than Mello. No one who knew him had ever taken his threats seriously. Honestly Mello was the one to be feared. With him it wasn't a threat, it was a promise – Matt, of course, being the exception. What could have happened to him to break him so completely?

Matt sat like that for a few moments, face buried in his hands as he contemplated all the awful thing that may have befallen his friend, before his cell phone snapped him out of his thoughts. It emitted a loud, obnoxious beep, alerting him that he had email. It only got the chance to beep once before Matt pounced on it. Anxious could hardly begin to express how he felt at the moment. He _had_ to know what had happened. He nearly dropped his phone in his haste to open the message, but when he did he felt his heart stop.

"Oh my god," Matt whispered as he scanned through the file. He held a hand over his mouth as he read what his friend had been subjected to. One thing that he noticed right away was the estimated length of captivity. It fit perfectly with when Mello had disappeared. And the medic's report noted a gunshot wound about the same age. When they had found him he was locked in a small room with no windows. Apparently the only things he had told the police were his false name and that the light hurt his eyes. Even then he hadn't spoken; he had written those things on a note pad provided by an officer. The other descriptions came from the medic's report and confessions of two of his captors. It wasn't pretty. Matt felt sick as he read the descriptions of his injuries. It was obvious that they had cleaned Mello up quite a bit before Matt arrived. And the notes from the confessions. It sounded as though the men were _bragging_ about what they had done to the poor boy. He had been starved, tortured, beaten, _raped_. That explained a lot. That accounted for his refusal to let anyone touch him and for Near's advice. It also explained Mello's fear at the threat of violence against him. There was a third man from whom they had gotten a confession. He was a thin, sickly looking thing, paler than Near and about a foot taller. According to his confession he had been the one to shoot Mello in the first place, the one responsible for his capture, but he hadn't laid a hand on him after that. He had been the one to feed him and take him water and it was from him that they had found out the full extent of the starvation the blonde had endured. But it was the other two confessions that bothered him. Matt forced himself to read through them again, actually studying them instead of just skimming. He could feel the bile burning the back of his throat as he took in the gruesome details. Finally he couldn't take anymore and, shoving his phone back in his pocket, he rushed to the restroom and was sick. It was about that time that it hit him: Mello had _lived_ that. For _ten months_ that had been his reality. It was no wonder the poor boy wanted to die. Dear god, just the pain alone should have killed him. But Mello was stronger than that. He had survived, no doubt simply out of spite. Now, though... now...

Now it was up to Matt to keep him alive. Now the red head understood, at least a little better, why the blonde was so desperate for it to be over. Now he knew. And it hurt. He wanted so badly to take the pain away that it actually, literally hurt. And there was anger, too. His blood boiled at the thought that these men could do something so horrible to another human being and then _laugh_ when they talked about it. One of the men had actually had the gall to _laugh_ during his confession. Whatever tiny spark of faith Matt had once had in the goodness of humanity had been extinguished. Anyone who could even _think_ of doing something like that was sick and deserved to die. Matt was tempted to call Near and make sure those creeps died a slow, painful death for what they had done, although even that was too good for them. He couldn't even call them scum. They were too low for that.

But for the moment he needed to get back to Mello. He wasn't sure if he could face him now, though, given what had happened and what he had found out. What would the boy do? Would he be afraid that Matt would leave? That he would hurt him? He didn't want to think about it.

It didn't take him as long as he had expected to reach Mello's room. Trying to calm his nerves, he inhaled deeply and opened the door.


	11. Lifeline

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter eleven. Wow, for this to have started out as a little spur-of-the-moment drabble-thingy it's gotten really long. Eventually Mello will get out of the hospital and the story will be able to progress a bit more. Eventually. He did go through a lot. You know, I find it odd how often characters in my fanfics will hold someone's hand or hug them to comfort them considering that I can't stand any physical contact whether I initiate it or not. So I kind of understand how Matt feels, seeing as how I can never hug my friends when I think they need it. Anyway, this kind of shows just how screwed up Mello really is from all the stuff that's happened to him. On with the chapter.

Thank you to SincerelyRainbow, Nezumi Wing, Dawn-at-Midnight, and -LavenderkisseS- for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note.

* * *

Mello was more aware of the tears than the fact that he was crying. God hated him, he was sure of it. His hand found the beads of his rosary and he closed his eyes, praying silently. He just wanted God to allow him a quick death. He knew he was damned. Everything that had happened was his fault. He was damned. And then there were his feelings for Matt. He was worse than damned. Still, he wasn't asking much. Not even forgiveness. Just a quick and reasonably painless death. It was the only thing he wanted. 

He had only just gotten the rosary back. Matt had brought it with him. Apparently he had worn it the whole time he had been searching for Mello. The blonde had left it at home the morning he was kidnapped. God hated him.

Matt. He wasn't sure what to think at the moment. Logically he knew there was absolutely no reason for him to be afraid of the gamer, but his instincts told him otherwise. The red head had threatened him. He was dangerous and Mello had been stupid to trust him. Everyone was an enemy. They were all a potential threat. Matt. He had really hoped things would be different. He had wanted so badly to trust the one person he had always been able to confide in. But Matt had threatened to hurt him. He had threatened to _kill_ him.

It was the sound of the door opening that startled Mello out of his wandering prayer. Looking up he saw the very same boy he had just been pondering staring back at him. He flinched and recoiled slightly. But something was different. He didn't look angry anymore. Actually, he looked sick. He was pale and shaking. His expression. Mello wasn't quite sure what it was, but it wasn't threatening. He looked sad, tired, disgusted... That's right. He had left to call Near and find out what had happened. God, no.

That was it then. He knew and he was disgusted with him. He was leaving. In silence Mello half-heartedly hoped that Matt would kill him before he left for good. That way he wouldn't have to face living without hope. He was startled when Matt dragged his chair to the other side of the room and sat down, hugging his knees to his chest and resting his chin on them. He looked exhausted. Were those tear stains? It seemed that the red head was looking everywhere except at Mello. Finally his eyes settled on a spot just above the blonde's head and he spoke.

"I know what happened," he said solemnly.

Mello didn't reply. He just stared at his hands, still clasping the rosary.

"Mel," Matt whispered, searching for the right words. This time he was actually looking at his friend. "I wish I could help. I really do. I didn't mean to scare you. I was just upset. I love you. The thought of losing you... again... I just got you back. I don't want to lose you. In all honesty I think that might kill me. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry for scaring you, I'm sorry for what you went through, I'm sorry for not finding you sooner, I'm sorry for not going with you that morning. I want to help. Really I do. I just wish there were some way to make you see that. But I don't know how. I hate knowing that you're scared of me. It hurts. And it hurts to know that there's nothing I can do to make the pain stop. I would love to go hunt those guys down and make them pay for what they did to you, but the police have them so I can't even do that. I can't do anything. I want to help. I want to make it all go away. But there's nothing I can do. I want to hold you and tell you it's all gonna be ok. But I can't. And I would be lying. It's never going to be ok. I know that and you know that. But it can get better. You don't always have to hurt like this. You don't always have to be afraid. I want to help you, if you'll still let me. If there's anything I can do I want to know. I'll do anything to help make the pain stop."

**Matt? **Mello signed. He was torn between his memories and his instincts. **Please don't leave.**

Matt smiled weakly. "Why would I do that?"

**Because of what I did**, Mello answered.

Matt frowned. "You didn't do anything."

**It's my ****fault**, was the blonde's reply.

"What's your fault?" Matt asked, confused.

Mello looked down at his hands as he answered. **What ****happened.**** It was my fault.**

"Mello," Matt said softly. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. "No. That was not your fault. Nothing that's happened was your fault. Why would you think that?"

**I let them catch me**, he told him.

"You didn't _let_ them do anything," Matt said, trying to be calm. "They shot you."

**I shouldn't have let them shoot me.**

"You didn't," Matt said. He was pretty sure he knew where this was going. "I know you were one of best out there, but even the best make mistakes sometimes. Yours just cost you a lot more than it should have."

**I should have fought**, Mello objected.

"You were in no condition to fight," Matt said. "Mello this was not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You just have terrible luck or something."

Mello let out a deep breath. How could he make the gamer see why this was his fault? Matt, meanwhile, was wondering the exact opposite. What could he do to make the blonde see that none of this was his doing? He felt so useless. He couldn't even hold Mello's hand to let him know he was there for him. It was hard to be someone's lifeline when you couldn't get within three feet of them. Finally he gave up for the time being.

"It's getting late," he pointed out. "You should get some rest. I know I'm exhausted. I'm sleeping on the couch. If you need anything just throw something at me."

Mello nodded and watched him apprehensively as he got out an extra blanket and curled up to sleep. Matt sighed. This was going to be a long night.


	12. Panic

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter twelve. "It was about two thirty in the morning when" I wrote this. I swear I just don't sleep or something. Oi. No exams till Friday, so I'm really bored. This chapter made me sad for Matt. I had fun writing it, though. I really ddon't have too much to say. On with the chapter.

Thank you to SincerelyRainbow for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Nothing's changed, I still don't own Death Note.

* * *

It was about two thirty in the morning when Matt felt something bounce off the folded up blanket he was using as a pillow next to his head. He blinked sleepily a few times before sitting up. Glancing across the room he could see Mello cringing in the darkness. He glanced down to see a pen cap at his feet and smiled. The blonde looked frightened, but at least he trusted him enough to wake him up.

"What's the matter?" Matt asked gently.

**I wanted to hear your voice**, Mello signed through the gloom.

Matt looked at him questioningly, trying his best not to be annoyed at being woken up from his first decent sleep in months for that. "You ok?"

**I just needed to see that I'm really out**, Mello explained sheepishly. **I wanted to make sure it was real.**

"Hey, Mel?" Matt said softly, concerned. "Is it alright if I come over there? I just want to come sit next to you."

Mello nodded and extended a hand toward the red head in question. What surprised the gamer was that even after he had moved the chair back and settled into his place, the hand was not withdrawn. He just stared at it for a moment until the blonde reached out a little further. Carefully, hesitantly he took it. Mello smiled nervously and Matt broke out into a broad grin. It was the little things that made it all worthwhile. Matt had known that his whole life, but it seemed truer now than ever before. He had Mello back and, no matter what he had thought before this whole ordeal, just sitting here holding his hand was the most wonderful feeling in the world. And to see him smile, even if he did still look scared, was amazing. It was the little things.

**Thank you**, Mello signed, spelling the words out because he only had one hand free.

"You're safe now," Matt whispered, still smiling. "The nightmare's over. I swear I won't let anything happen to you ever again."

Suddenly Matt found Mello's other hand reaching out for him as well, and he took it wordlessly. Exactly what did Mello want? Not that he could complain. Mello's expression, though. He still looked scared and Matt noticed that the hands clasped in his own were trembling. The blonde opened his mouth as though in an attempt to speak, but no words came. Gently Matt let go of one of the blonde's hands and trailed the backs of his fingers along his cheek instead. Again there was an attempt at speech and again it ended in silence. Mello fought with himself over how best to get his point across. He gave Matt's hand a sharp tug to draw the redhead closer and latched on to his upper arms. He was desperate. He wanted the other boy closer, yet something in his mind was screaming at him to push the gamer away.

"Calm down," Matt said, startled by Mello's actions. The only reaction he got was another yank on his arms. He was standing now, leaning over the blonde. Mello was shaking visibly and Matt was shocked by the look of fear and anguish the thin boy displayed. "Shh. It's ok. Mello, please. Calm down."

There was another sharp tug and he was drawn that much closer. The way his friend was acting scared Matt. His breathing was shallow, ragged, and uneven and he had closed his eyes and clenched his jaw. Something was very wrong here, but Mello couldn't tell him what because he couldn't speak. He wanted to help, but he couldn't. There was nothing he could do.

"Mel? Listen to me," Matt said softly in as calm and soothing a voice as he could muster at the moment. "I need you to calm down. Ok? Just breathe."

Mello was trying to listen to Matt, really he was. But he couldn't. He had shut his eyes when the room had started spinning and now he felt like he was falling. He tightened his grip on Matt's arms just to reassure himself the redhead was really there and tried to force the feeling away. His fingers were starting to go numb, but he couldn't tell if it was from the pressure he was putting on them or from something worse. He could hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears, drowning out Matt's voice.

"Breathe, Mello," Matt urged. "You're going to faint if you keep this up." He brought his hand up again to run his fingers over the pale boy's cheek. Sweat had begun to bead on his forehead and Matt feared he would crack his teeth if he didn't unclench his jaw. "Mello, you have to calm down." Matt could feel his own heartbeat speeding up as he began to panic. His eyes flickered to the machines next to the bed, watching the green blips indicating Mello's vitals race across the monitor. "Mel, please. Breathe. Come on. Listen to me."

Finally he realized that he wasn't getting through. He wasn't sure what was happening, but it seemed he wasn't going to be able to pull the blonde out of it. Franticly he hit the call button for the nurses' station. Even this late there should be someone there.

"Yes?" came the calm voice from the other end of the line.

"I need help with M-Arseniy," Matt said with an attempt to keep the rising panic out of his voice. "I'm not sure what's wrong with him, but his heart's racing and he doesn't seem to be able to breathe."

"I'll send someone right away," the voice said calmly.

Once the voice was gone, Matt resumed his anxious whispering. "Mel, it's gonna be alright. Hold on. Just listen to me. Just focus on my voice. I'm not sure if you can hear me, but I love you. Just hold on."

It didn't take long for a tall man with light hair to show up. He asked Matt a series of questions the redhead couldn't answer as he called for another nurse. When this one arrived she had a syringe. Matt watched apprehensively as she slid the end of it into the catheter on the needle in the crook of Mello's arm. About thirty seconds later the blonde began to relax, falling back with a dazed look as he let go of Matt.

"What did you do to him?" Matt yelped.

"It's just a sedative," the lady nurse explained. "It's a standard treatment for panic attacks."

"Is that what was wrong with him?" the redhead asked anxiously.

The male nurse nodded. "It's nothing to worry about. He's been through a lot. Just keep an eye on him."

Matt nodded and looked down at the blonde wistfully. His friend lay still, staring blankly at the point where wall and ceiling met. He no longer looked distressed and his vitals had returned to normal. Still, Matt didn't like seeing him this way. He seemed so frail and defenceless. The Mello he remembered had been powerful and fearsome. Finally he brought his gaze back up to rest on the nurses.

"Thank you," he said wearily. "If you don't mind, I'd like to rest now."

Both of them nodded and left the room. Once they were gone Matt allowed his cracked and battered mask to drop as he sank back into his chair.

"Mello," he whispered, tracing the blonde's cheekbone with his fingertips. He couldn't tell if Mello even realized he was there. "I wish there was something I could do to help you."

Falling silent, he folded his arms on the bed, still holding one of Mello's hands, and rested his head against the striped fabric where it covered the sterile white. Quietly he watched Mello's chest rise and fall gently until sleep found him.


	13. Healing

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter thirteen. This is a little less depressing. I only read over it once, so please forgive errors. I think Matt and Mello's relationship is really cute, if not slightly dysfunctional. That's about it. On with the chapter!

Thank you to Nezumi Wing and SincerelyRainbow for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Same as always.

* * *

The days passed quickly after that. For the first week Matt had refused to leave Mello's side. Near had even been so sympathetic as to send Lidner with clothes and a couple packs of cigarettes for Matt, although the redhead knew it was partially because she had wanted a chance to personally check on Mello's progress. It had been slow at first. In the days following the panic attack, the blonde had been much more openly physical with Matt. He would allow the younger man to hold his hand, even encouraging him to do so, let him sit on the edge of the bed, let him touch his face and his shoulders, Matt had even gotten close enough to press his forehead against Mello's once. It wouldn't have meant much to anyone else or in any other situation, but it was undeniable progress. Matt was elated at the change. Mello was starting to trust him again.

And the small blonde was beginning to heal physically as well. When he had first arrived he had been in eminent danger not only from his injuries, but because he was severely malnourished and underweight. But the bruises had faded, the cuts had healed and the deeper ones scarred over, and once he was able to eat again he had started to gain back the weight he had lost. It took over two months, but he was finally strong enough that he had begun walking again and he had even regained enough of his old temperament to insist on target practice. Matt had gone and gotten him a Nerf gun, the kind with the little foam suction cup darts, and laughed when the first thing the blonde did was shoot him with it to prove his aim hadn't gotten rusty as the gamer suggested. Finally, the old Mello was starting to show again.

But Matt could still see the little differences that others might miss. He was the only one the blonde allowed near him, even once he had gotten to know the hospital staff. Mello, much to Matt's surprise, had not allowed his hair of which he had once been so proud to grow back. Instead it was cut much the same as Matt's, shaggy but not long. When questioned about it, the blonde would usually shrug and throw something at Matt, since he was the only one who ever asked. And there were the times Matt would catch him running a hand over the tattoo on his shoulder, his tiger. Nobody else noticed that because nobody else knew what it meant. He never mentioned that and he had a feeling that if he ever did Mello would do more than just throw something at him. But the most noticeable difference was that he still had not spoken.

From what Matt could gather it had been a full year since the blonde had last spoken. Mello said he hadn't through the entirety of his captivity, which had lasted ten months and ended two months ago. It seemed as though the boy would never regain his voice and Matt wanted to know why. Matt was starting to forget what Mello's voice sounded like even as he was learning what the boy felt like. He had always known Mello's distinct scent: gunpowder, chocolate, leather, shampoo, and just the faintest hint of blood. Who could forget that? Sweet and deadly, it was perfectly Mello. Now, though, it was gone. In its place was the harsh, sterile smell of hospitals and IV drips, of depression and of death. And there was nothing Matt wished more than for everything to be normal again, though nothing seemed more out of reach.


	14. Welcome Home

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter 14. This is my favourite chapter. It's the sweetest scene of anything I've written fanficwise, and that includes Ed's "happy tears" scene in Faded. No, it's not over yet. I still need to decide what Mello's "first words" will be and how that's going to happen. (His being mute is a result of the stress from his imprisionment. It's purely psycological.) I have more written, although I almost think I should end it here. Anyway, on with the chapter!

Thanks to SincerelyRainbow, Nezumi Wing, -LavenderkisseS-, and Dawn-at-Midnight for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Only the warm fuzzies are mine.

* * *

Mello glanced around the room where he had spent the past three months. Matt had gone home last night, left earlier than usual. He was going to get the apartment cleaned up and make sure it would be safe for him. Today was the day he would get to go home. Today the nightmare ended for good. Today he could go back to his life. Today he could start a new life with Matt. Today he would go to the home he never had.

Home. With Matt. To Mello that sounded like Heaven on earth. Home and safe with the one he loved. He could start over and put all that had happened behind him. There were, of course, still obstacles to overcome, but they would get through them together. Mello was still weak, but Matt would be there to help him when he needed it. Matt still hadn't quite come to terms with what had happened, but Mello was working his way out from under it with Matt at his side.

Mello felt incredibly safe with Matt, more so than he had thought he ever would with anyone again. Matt was so gentle and so understanding. He made Mello feel loved and secure. It was funny when he thought about it, how well they just seemed to fit. There was a darker time in the not so distant past when he thought that none of this would ever happen. But now he was free and starting a new life with the one he loved. He couldn't be happier.

He perked up immediately when he heard the door open and turned to see Matt smiling at him. He smiled back, a real smile, one he only ever showed to Matt. He rose to his feet, feeling a sense of wonder at being able to complete the simple task of crossing the room without assistance. Arms spread wide, he made his way over to where Matt stood, watching the redhead kick the door shut behind him. He took Mello in his arms, whispering "Today's the day. You ready?"

Mello nodded against his shoulder and held him tight. There was no place he'd rather go.

Matt smiled and placed a gentle kiss on Mello's forehead. "I brought you clothes," he said, handing Mello what appeared to be a bundle of black fabric. "You can't leave dressed like that."

Mello glanced down at the blue hospital pyjamas he had become so accustom too. He looked like a more colourful version of Near. He gave Matt a quick grin before snatching the clothes and ducking behind the curtain he had drawn around his bed. With a sigh Matt watched the curtain move and his sharpshooter vanish. It was one of Mello's many newly acquired quirks. No one, not even Matt, was allowed to see him even partially disrobed. It was the fear that did it, and the self-consciousness. He was afraid that he might be taken advantage of again, even though he knew Matt would never dream of doing such a thing. Then again, he knew how Matt felt about him and it probably didn't make him anymore comfortable with undressing in front of him. Even if he knew the gamer would never hurt him he couldn't help but be uneasy. And Matt could accept that. He would sooner die than hurt Mello, so he let him have his quirks. Part of it, though, was his pride. Mello was beautiful. It wasn't debateable, it was just true. But Matt had seen the scars once while Mello was unconscious. He knew why the blonde didn't want anyone to see him ruined like that. Gone were the faraway days in the orphanage when Mello would sit shirtless in the window and let the summer breeze catch his long golden hair.

When the blonde reappeared he looked just slightly uncomfortable. Matt had tried to pick something reasonably modest, but given the blonde's wardrobe it had been difficult. Still, he had always thought Mello looked great in that outfit. It fit a little looser now, but he was just as gorgeous as ever, even with the scars.

"Wow, Mello," Matt smiled reassuringly. "You look great." Mello's face reddened just a little and Matt had to refrain from commenting on how cute he was. "And I have one more thing for you, but you don't get it until we get home. So what do you say? Let's get out of here."

Mello smiled and unwrapped one arm from around his waist to take Matt's hand. That was all the answer Matt needed. He took his hand back before they left the room and placed it on Mello's shoulder, whispering, "Just for a few more minutes." After all, they were still playing the role of brothers.

Once outside, Matt let go of Mello's shoulder and wrapped a protective arm around his waist. The taller boy's expression told everyone in the vicinity that Mello was his and they would be wise to keep away from him. Mello couldn't help but smile at the gesture. Matt would keep him safe. Quietly he was led to the redhead's waiting car and ushered into the passenger's seat. Once inside, Matt leaned into the backseat and dug around until he unearthed a jacket left there from the early spring. With silence and a knowing smile he handed it to Mello who took it with a grateful half bow and slipped it on. He looked much more comfortable with his arms covered.

Matt had just put the key in the ignition when he felt a light hand on his shoulder. Turning he saw Mello sign "I love you." He covered the hand on his shoulder with one of his own and signed back the same thing.

It took about twenty minutes to drive to Matt's, which was through the tunnel in Jersey. Mello was glad to be out of Manhattan. Jersey just seemed safer at the moment. Calmer. When they got there Matt told him to close his eyes. He did so hesitantly, starting when he felt the car door open next to him.

"Do you trust me?" Matt said gently, draping an arm over Mello's shoulders. The blonde nodded and Matt placed his other hand over Mello's blue eyes. "You have to trust me. Just let me lead you." Again Mello nodded, but Matt could feel the tension in his shoulders and whispered. "If it makes you uncomfortable, you can take my hand away. You don't have to do this."

When Mello made no move to take the hand away, Matt smiled. It was the little things. The redhead helped smaller boy out of the car and carefully led him up the stairs to his – their – apartment. Opening the door, he ushered the blonde inside and uncovered his eyes.

"Surprise!" he said loudly in English, sweeping his hand away from Mello's eyes. It was the first time in three months that Mello had heard him speak anything but Russian. Blinking, the blonde looked around, taking in his surroundings. There was a large, green, hand-painted banner with gold letters hanging on the wall opposite the door. It read "Welcome home Mello" in Matt's untidy scrawl. There were a few balloons in various colours dotting the floor and as he followed his friend's hand, he spotted a cake sitting on the counter. He could tell that Matt had baked it himself. The icing said "Happy Birthday" with nineteen candles and it was then that he remembered his birthday had been ten days before.

He turned around to see Matt grinning sheepishly at him. Grabbing the older boy's shirt collar, Mello pulled him down to peck him on the cheek before pulling him into a tight hug. Matt smiled in earnest. "I'll take that to mean you like it?"

Mello let go long enough to sign "I love it. You're so sweet." before latching onto him again.

"Welcome home," Matt whispered.

Mello felt a deep warmth in his chest. He was home. If time stopped right now he wouldn't mind. He was no longer alone, he was no longer captive, he was no longer drifting. He had a home and someone who loved him and would protect him. He was safe at home with Matt whom he loved.


	15. Nightmare

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter fifteen. I know everyone's all upset because I said I had considered stopping after the last chapter and then didn't post for a few days. I had my last two exams on Friday, then came home to a lack of internet. Therefore, nothing got posted. The end of this wasn't the ending I had in mind for this, but it was getting really long and I wanted to go ahead and put it up. The improtant stuff's there though. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Nezumi Wing, SincerelyRainbow, Dawn-at-Midnight, Dookie, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, and Yagami Night for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

That night Matt planned to sleep on the couch. He was certain that Mello wouldn't want to share a bed just yet. That would take time. However, Matt had only just settled down when Mello came in, dressed in an oversized tee shirt and a pair of baggy pants he had gotten from Matt with a blanket draped around his shoulders. It was actually pretty funny to watch him try to sign and hold the blanket in place at the same time. He explained that he did, in fact, want Matt to sleep in the bedroom with him because he would feel safer that way. He ended this with a timid expression and an "if you don't mind." Like hell Matt minded. Nodding, he got up and followed Mello back, surprised to find that all of the extra blankets he had pointed out earlier were spread across the bed save for the one wrapped around the blonde's shoulders.

Mello waited for him to sit down on the edge of the bed before curling up next to him. Matt glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow. He understood the blankets to some extent, but this was ridiculous. With a sigh he leaned across the bed to run a hand through Mello's blonde hair, smoothing it back away from his face. Quietly he whispered, "You're safe here."

He lay down next to Mello, taking both of the blonde's hands in his own. It was impressive how steady Mello's hands were when he held a gun, but now they were trembling. Finally it occurred to Matt what was wrong. The shooter was afraid to sleep. He knew he had had a hard time with that in the hospital, but he had never given it much thought. He was afraid to sleep because it left him vulnerable. If he was asleep he couldn't keep track of what was happening around him. That meant he was putting a lot of trust in Matt. And suddenly he wanted nothing more than to make him see that nothing bad was going to happen here.

"Mello," he said as he tightened his grip on the boy's hands. "I don't know exactly what they did to you, but I won't let it happen again. I mean, I read the report and I'll admit it made me sick. The fact that you lived through that, it means you're strong. You have nothing to fear. That didn't sound the way I wanted it to..." Mello just watched him quietly, blue eyes questioning. Matt sighed. "I won't hurt you. No one can find you here. No one knows you're here and no one here knows who you are. No one here knows who I am, even. There's nothing to be afraid of."

Mello didn't look convinced. He tugged his hands back weakly, as though to say he was doubting his friend. Matt responded by tightening his grip. "Don't do this. Mel, as hard as it may be you have to trust me. You're ok. Nothing's going to happen." Matt watched his friend's fearful expression. "I can't do this. Look Mello, I don't know what to do. I'm here, I will protect you, and I'm doing my best to make things alright. But nothing I'm doing seems to be working. I don't know how to help. What do you want from me?"

Slowly, hesitantly, Mello pulled on Matt's hands, urging him closer. Matt took the hint and moved over until he could wrap his arms around the blonde's waist. He sat up a little to see the clock, leaving one hand on either side of Mello. That was a mistake and he knew it as soon as he felt the smaller boy trying to get away. Glancing down, he took in the look of panic.

"Mel, calm down," he said. He fell back and pulled the blonde close until his head rested on the gamer's chest. "I'm not going to hurt you. Trust me. I can't help if you won't trust me. You've got to do that, no matter how hard it is. I don't care what happens, I will not hurt you."

Mello nodded. Matt knew he was still being watched as he closed his eyes to sleep, but he tried not to let it get him. If Mello wanted to stay awake until he knew Matt was asleep, that was fine with the redhead. He understood it and it didn't bother him to let the blonde watch him sleep. As long as Mello actually slept, it was fine. This was going to be more difficult than he had thought.

* * *

It was about three in the morning when Mello woke him. He was thrashing, trying to wriggle away from Matt. When the gamer saw that the blonde's eyes were still closed he realized he was having a nightmare. Something else he hadn't foreseen, although he could have smacked himself for not thinking of it.

"Mel," he said softly. No answer. Slowly he reached out to grasp the boy's shoulder. Immediately blue eyes opened wide as the hand was knocked away. "Mello it's me."

The comment didn't seem to register as the blonde backed up. His fear-tinted eyes watched Matt's every move as though he was afraid the gamer would kill him. Or worse.

"Mello, it's Matt," Matt repeated, grabbing the boy's wrist and refusing to let go. The blonde cringed, bringing his other hand up to shield his face as he curled in on himself. Just the sight of his fear made Matt sick. What had the bastards done to him to make him so scared? What had he been reliving? "You remember me. From Wammy's. We grew up there with Near and L. Remember? I came to get you at the hospital after Near told me where you were. You live with me now. You're at home. You're safe. I'm not going to hurt you."

Still there was no sign of recognition from the frightened blonde. He let out a high pitched keening as he clawed at Matt's hand. Even when he broke the skin the redhead didn't let go.

"Remember that one time when we wanted to see what would happen if L didn't have caffeine and sugar so replaced his coffee and sweets and he was basically a zombie for a week? You thought it was hilarious. Or the time when we were really little and you hid and jumped out at Near and almost made him fall down the stairs? Remember how mad Roger got?" Matt struggled to remember little things from their childhood that only they would know. He hoped it would help Mello remember him. Then another idea came to him. Quietly he whispered in Latin a phrase he had heard Mello utter a thousand times before when he thought no one was listening. "Lord, grant me the strength to make it through this day."

That did it. Mello's eyes widened and he blinked a few times before relaxing slightly. He was panting and his whole body was shaking, but he wasn't fighting anymore. Cautiously Matt pulled him close, allowing him to hide his face in the crook of his neck. "Shh. It's alright. I've got you. They can't hurt you anymore. You're safe. I'm here."

Briefly he wondered if this was what it had been like for Mello back in the orphanage. He remembered the blonde waking him from his nightmares many times. He didn't plan on asking. Another thing he wanted to know but wouldn't ask was what Mello had been dreaming about. One thing he noted, though, was the noise Mello had made. He had heard him do that a few times before, mainly out of fear when the doctors, especially the men, got too close to him. It had only been women and Matt who he had let touch him. From that noise, though, Matt guessed that there was nothing physically wrong with Mello to prevent him from speaking. It was the trauma that had made him mute.

As the blonde began to calm down, Matt was able to turn his attention the matter of his hand. It was bleeding from where Mello had tried to fight him off.


	16. Runaway

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 16. More angst. I took a look at Mello's nightmare, but I don't think it turned out very well. I know it's a cliffy. Sorry.

Thanks to Dookie, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, SincerelyRainbow, Nezumi Wing, and Dawn-at-Midnight for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

It soon became obvious that adjusting back to a normal life was going to be much more difficult than anticipated. Mello was wary of his new surroundings, seemingly afraid to move through the house at will. He tended to spend much of his time wherever Matt was. He jumped at the slightest noises and refused to go outside. Some days he would insist on keeping the blinds drawn while on others he insisted on keeping them open so he could keep track of who was outside. It was far beyond his normal paranoia and it was beginning to drive Matt crazy.

The nights weren't much better. More often than not Mello would have difficulty falling asleep and then he would wake Matt up in the middle of the night with a nightmare. The redhead was beginning to wonder if it was even worth trying anymore. The blonde was no longer showing signs of improvement. Actually, he was regressing. Each time Matt would wake him from a night terror it would take him a little longer to recognize his friend. He had stopped making any sort of sound, even when he would try to fight the gamer after a dream, and he had begun to sign less and less. Eventually he reached a point where he was hardly even trying to communicate.

His physical health was beginning to decline right along with his mental stability. He had stopped eating. Matt had to force him to eat for fear he would starve himself to death. He had started sleeping more, too. Not really sleeping, per se – he was too afraid to do that – but just lying there staring at the walls. It was pathetic to see. Mello had once been renouned, feared. But now... Matt could hardly bear to look at him. To see the boy like that was painful. And it was a testament to the gamer's inability to save the person he cared most for. Then again, he was beginning to question whether Mello even really wanted to be saved anymore.

Did he want to be saved? Did he even want to live anymore? Would it, perhaps, be better to allow him to die? Would he finally have peace then? Those were the questions that kept Matt awake long after the blonde fell asleep each night. They tore at his mind and burned in his chest. To let him go would mean giving up on the one person who truly mattered to him. However, it was quite possible that that was the only way for Mello's suffering to end. But the worst question was the one that found its way to the surface every time he began to wonder if what he was doing was in the blonde's best interest. Was it really worth it?

"Mello, I wish you'd tell me what happened," Matt whispered. The blonde lay sleeping on their bed, four layers of covers over him despite their lack of air conditioning and the fact that it was August. It was as though he was trying to hide. The gamer reached out to stroke Mello's blonde hair and the boy recoiled visibly. It made Matt want to cry with frustration, pain, and anger. The guilt didn't help either. Logically he knew he had done everything he could, but some small part of him insisted that if he had tried harder then he would have found Mello sooner and the one he cared for wouldn't have suffered.

And then there was the blood. He had found small traces of blood in the sink earlier that day. It hadn't been much, but it had worried him. Of course, by the time he got up the nerve to ask about it Mello was already asleep. He had a sinking feeling he knew where it had come from. There was nothing he would have liked to do more than shake the boy awake and demand he take off his shirt, show Matt his arms and his chest. There would be marks there, Matt was sure. They would prove his suspicions. He knew that was it. He had found a jagged bit of metal from god knows what a few days earlier. That had had blood on it, too.

He was fighting a losing battle and he knew it. Mello was going to die. It didn't make any difference what he did, the small boy was going to die. He had lost the will to live. There was nothing Matt could do. Nothing but watch him fade away. And it hurt. It hurt to know that he would lose him. It hurt to know he had failed him. It hurt to know that he couldn't make the pain stop. It hurt to see him so irreparably broken.

Mello twitched in his sleep and the small movement caught Matt's eye. There was no sound, but Matt saw him tense. He was fighting again. He was reliving something he should never have experienced in the first place.

_The door creaked open and he could see two sillouhettes in the blinding light. With a deep, awful laugh they moved toward him. One of them held something in his hand. It looked like maybe a knife. This was going to be painful._

_He backed up, feeling the cold wall behind him, and struggled to his feet. He couldn't let this happen again. He couldn't. There were hands tugging at his vest. A growled threat as the blade of the knife was pressed to his throat. Another set of hands. __Cold this time.__ The other pair had been burning. His vest was gone. __Hands on his back.__The knife against his chest.__ There was a stinging pain in his chest as the knife pierced the skin. He hissed loudly and struggled against the man holding him. That, however, only resulted in the knife being driven deeper into his thin chest until he could feel it scrape the bone and his arms being twisted painfully behind his back. There was nothing he could do but try to keep from screaming._

_At least they didn't want more. Just to torment him for a while. He could deal with that. It wouldn't be easy, but he could deal with that. He could hold on. He could – _

_God, what did they just do? He felt the __blood,__ more than there should be, running down his chest. It hurt worse than it should. The world was blurring. The men were laughing as the room spun. Everything was going dark. __The pain.__God, the pain.__ He was going to faint. _

_The man holding his arms jerked roughly on them. Mello yelped as he felt his shoulders torn from their sockets. He was beyond fainting. That had brought him back from the darkness. _

_Someone was touching him. A third set of hands, but there was no one else in the room. This pair grabbed his shoulders from in front of him. That wasn't possible. The man in front of him had one hand on his chest and one hand on the knife being driven into it. The other man was behind him still holding his arms. Someone was calling his name. __His real name.__ Well, his Wammy's name, but that was close enough. Someone was calling him, shaking him._

Mello blinked and the room turned one more time. He found himself staring up at a familiar face. The room was strange though. It was one of _them_ he was sure. They had moved him. This man would hurt him. He was holding his shoulders, holding him down.

"Nnnn!"

"Mel?" Matt blinked once. "Did you...?"

The only answer he got was a bitten hand. He let go long enough that Mello got away from him. Before the startled redhead could register what was happening the blonde was out the door.

"Oh crap," Matt muttered and jumped up and after him. He ran as fast as he could, skidding around the corner so that he hit the wall. The front door was open. "Fuck!"

He was down the stairs in a heartbeat, but there was no sign of Mello. The boy was in such a hurry that he wouldn't have covered his trail. Franticly he looked around before spotting Mello leaning over the fourth floor railing.

"Mello!" Matt shouted.

The blonde looked down at him. There was no hint of recognition. There was only fear. And something Matt recognized from past experience.

"MEL!"


	17. Stay

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 17. I know, I'm mean for the cliff hanger. I've been working on another story, too. That's why it's been taking meso long to update. That one's personal, though, because it's an orriginal piece and because of the subject matter. I have the first part posted on fictionpress, so I've been working on that a lot. I know everyone's anxious to know what happens to Mello, so I'll shut up and get on with the chapter.

Thank you to Dawn-at-Midnight, Nezumi Wing, Con Fuoco, dookie, and SincerelyRainbow for reviewing!

* * *

"Mel, don't move!" Matt shouted. He watched the boy's eyes widen. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the railing tighter. He was having trouble breathing, it appeared.

Mello stared down at the man. Jump the railing and it ends. They couldn't torture him if he was dead, and he would make sure he died. But he couldn't get his legs to work to jump the rail. The world was spinning, fading. He couldn't feel anything; it all seemed floaty and disjointed. He couldn't breathe. His heartbeat was pounding in his ears, drowning out the yelling from below. His legs, if they were still there because for all he could tell they weren't, could no longer hold him.

Matt watched the blonde sink to his knees, clawing at his throat. It looked like he was choking, but he couldn't be. Either way, choking he could fix, internal damage he couldn't, so this was essentially a good thing. He was up the stairs before he could think, taking them four at a time. There had to be something he could do.

Mello watched the redhead coming toward him. Unsteadily he backed up until he hit a wall and, with his last bit of strength, struggled to his feet. He wasn't going to last much longer before he fainted. This man would not catch him alive. He couldn't let it start again.

"Mello," Matt called softly. The blonde wasn't going to stay standing much longer. "It's Matt. Don't fight me, Mel. I just want to help."

Mello let out that high pitched whine and the same odd noise he had made just after he woke up. The world had tilted on its axis. Everything was spinning even as it flickered. Then it all went black. He couldn't see, he could barely hear, and there was someone after him. His heart was beating so fast he felt it would burst from his chest. His lungs burned with the effort to breathe. No. This couldn't happen. Not again.

Matt sensed the change. That would work to his advantage. If he couldn't see then there was a chance he wouldn't fight as well. Of course, before the whole ordeal Mello could have taken on half the mafia blindfolded and come out without a scratch. Now, though, Matt wasn't sure what would happen. He moved quietly, aware that Mello had ridiculously sharp hearing. That was something he had always had, but it had improved during his captivity. It went along with the impaired sight from being locked in a dark room.

Even blinded and unable to breathe the boy put up one hell of a fight. He managed to hit Matt twice in the chest before the redhead restrained him. Then again, it probably helped that the gamer wasn't trying. He just wanted to get Mello and get him back to their apartment. The blonde had caught Matt's hand and bit down on it as hard as he could. That didn't last long, as Matt knew how to knock him out without really hurting him.

Once the blonde was unconscious it was much easier to carry him. As an added bonus his heart rate began to drop and his breathing evened out. Matt chalked the whole incident, scary as it was, up to a panic attack like the one he'd had in the hospital.

Once Mello was safely back inside, Matt decided that that would be a perfect time to see if his suspicions had been correct. He rolled back the blonde's sleeves carefully. Sure enough he found exactly what he had been hoping not to see. They would have a long talk waiting when Mello woke up.


	18. Explain It

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 18. I just read back over this, and I have no comments. On with the chapter.

Thank you to XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Con Fuoco, and SincerelyRainbow for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

* * *

Mello's eyes fluttered open and the first thing he saw was Matt glaring at him. He tried to pretend he hadn't woken, but Matt wasn't about to fall for that. Viciously the redhead grabbed his bare wrist and held it up in front of his face, shaking it painfully.

"Explain it," Matt growled. "Now."

Mello cringed and tried to pull away but the gamer just tightened grip until it hurt.

"No. I'm not going to take that," he barked. "Explain this now."

Again all he got was a cringe and a fearful, sidelong glance.

"Now!" he snapped. "I know what you've been doing. I saw the marks while you were out. I found blood in the sink yesterday and last week I found a bloody scrap of metal. Tell me what happened!

"Damnit Mello, I know you can talk. Tell me now. I can't do this anymore. You run from me, you're afraid of me, you won't even talk to me. Goddamnit, why won't you talk to me? Mello, I love you. Really I do. But you aren't even trying. That's the _only_ thing I ask from you is that you try to get better. For you, for me, for us. But you won't even try. What do you want from me? You heard me. What do you want?!"

Mello tugged at his arm again and whimpered softly in fear.

Matt's green eyes blazed with rage. "Arg! I can't take this anymore. I'm going out."

**Matt! Don't leave! Please. Don't leave me! I –** Mello didn't get to finish. Matt's threatening glare was enough to silence him.

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not leaving you. I'm going to the store. I need cigarettes. I think I could go through about a pack and a half right now, with your little stunt there. I'm coming back. Just not soon, so don't expect me back by sun up. But be warned. If you try to leave I will know and I will not be happy. So don't try."

Mello nodded and watched the gamer's retreating back, all fluff and stripes and burning anger. As soon as Matt was out of the room he pushed down his sleeve, buried his face in the pillow, and sobbed.


	19. Prayer

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 19. What can I say about this except that I felt like hell when I wrote it. Therefore, don't expect happy. Progress yes, but not happy. And I'm not much one for prayer, but I tried. That's all. I'm going to sleep now. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Dawn-at-Midnight for reviewing 17 and 18! Sorry to have left out your name!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Mello shuddered as he lay beneath the covers. Matt was gone and he was alone. He knew Matt would come back. He had only gone to the store, he wasn't abandoning him. Still he couldn't help thinking of the things that could happen while the gamer was gone. They could come back for him. This time there would be no mercy, he would die a slow, certain, and painful death. It would be worse than last time. They would make it worse. 

And Matt. He had hurt Matt. All he did, all he ever managed, was to hurt the people who mattered. He was worthless. Completely and totally worthless. Less than worthless. Everyone would be better off without him, especially Matt. And if it were to end, he wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. There was nothing left. _He_ was nothing...

* * *

Matt took a deep drag of his cigarette and let it out in a cloud of smoke. Waving the haze away, he peered up at the moon through the trees. Mello could be such a pain sometimes. Still, he would have to go back in there and apologize, because he hadn't meant any of it. What the blonde didn't know was that he hadn't gone to the store. He was standing out on the balcony in front of the apartment, just taking in the cool night air. He kept three packs of his favourite cigarettes and his most prized lighter in an old game console he'd been meaning to fix. He looked down at the silver lighter in his hand. It was simple, pretty, and it had some pathetic attempt at a comment on friendship etched in the side in Italian, Matt's native language. It had been a gift from Mello... Just before the blonde had been captured. 

With a sigh Matt steadied himself and pushed the door open.

* * *

Mello was still sobbing as he made his way through the small apartment he shared with Matt. The redhead had thrown out his makeshift razor as soon as he found it, so Mello had found something new to work with. The knife was small, something he'd had since he was a kid, but it was sharp. Even now he favoured it. It was light, easy to work with, and the blade locked. It had been great in a fight because he was so used to it. Now it served a slightly different purpose. He held it up in the moonlight that poured in the window, watching it gleam and shine. As though in a trance he pressed it to his throat. He had already found the bottle of pills Matt had for him. They were a prescription from the hospital. They were for pain and if he took too many they would kill him. 

Slowly he ran the knife along the skin, savouring the feeling. He hadn't planned to cut his own throat, too much mess, but the pills would do nicely. He would sleep, it would be peaceful, and it wouldn't leave a mess for Matt. Simple. And it would be over. That's what he wanted. That's what Matt wanted too. It was painfully obvious. There were so many times when Mello could have made things better, but he had failed. There were so many things he could have done differently, but he hadn't. There were so many time when he could have let Matt know exactly what was happening and what he meant to him, but every time he had let the boy down. It was his fault. All of it. This whole mess was his fault. If it hadn't been for his damn cockiness...

He bowed his head, not caring about the tears any longer. Slowly his hand found his rosary and the words that had been absent for over a year came as though they'd never been gone at all. "Father, grant me peace. I know what I have done and I know what I am about to do. I am a heretic, I am a hypocrite, I am a sinner, I am damned. I do not ask forgiveness. I do not feel that it would be right to ask forgiveness for loving him, for I feel no remorse. What happened over those ten months was the result of my pride, yet I cannot ask forgiveness. A transgression so great surely cannot be forgiven. And now, in this moment, I die by my hand. This is a Mortal Sin. I do not ask Your forgiveness. One such as me, who has killed so many, loved the forbidden one, and twisted everything to suite himself, cannot be forgiven. I am a heretic, and I am damned. My only request, Father, is that my last moments may be peaceful before the fires of Hell greet me. And Matt, Father. Please, let him find joy, Father. Let him find peace. In Christ who saves us, Amen."

With a trembling hand he reached out for the bottle set before him.

* * *

"Mello, you touch that and I _will_ shoot you," Matt growled. He held a gun, one of Mello's own, pointed at the blonde to prove how serious he was. The blonde looked up, startled and tear stained, to see Matt in the doorway pointing his own weapon at him. 

"Matt," Mello breathed.

Slowly the redhead moved forward, toward him, flinching at the expression of pain and sorrow on the other boy's face. "Be calm, Mel. I'm not going to hurt you as long as you don't do anything stupid."

Mello let his gaze drop. Sobs shook his thin body as he slumped forward so that his forehead rested against the blankets, his arms crossed loosely out in front of him. Never had Matt seen anyone look so broken. Even when Mello had first arrived at the hospital it hadn't been this bad. Another sob ripped through him and Matt dropped the gun. He moved carefully, settling himself next to the weeping blonde.

"Mel, that's twice tonight you've scared me like this. What are you thinking right now?" he whispered. He didn't expect an answer.

"I don't deserve to live." It was whispered, Mello's voice so quiet and so hoarse that it was nearly indecipherable. Still Matt caught it.

The gamer ran a hand through the shooter's chop-job short hair. "You can't mean that."

"I can," was the nearly inaudible reply.

Slowly, cautiously Matt slid and arm under Mello and pulled him up so that the blonde rested against him. There was no help and no protest, Mello simply remained completely limp. His chin rested on Matt's shoulder, tears soaking the fuzz on the vest he wore. Matt was warm against him. Mello himself was freezing.

"Mel, what do I do?" Matt asked, forcing himself to stay calm by sheer power of will.

No answer.

"I want to help," he said softly. "I don't want this. Mel, I heard you praying. There's no way you can honestly believe that. And what about me? You want me to be happy, but you want to die. You're the one leaving me. I don't understand your conviction for dying. Yeah, things are shot to hell right now. It'll get better. You just have to let it. Mel, listen to me. I don't know what to do anymore. You're completely right. I am frustrated. I am a little angry. Right now I'm really, really hurt. But I didn't mean the things I said earlier. Mello, I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Let me go," Mello whispered hoarsely in his ear.

Matt didn't quite believe what he had heard. "What?"

"It's for the best," Mello assured him. "Let me go."

"No," Matt said simply, holding him tighter.

Neither boy was sure just how long they sat there like that, Mello crying silently and Matt holding on to him with all his strength. The sky had begun to lighten before Matt found his voice again, but it didn't matter.

"I can't do that," the redhead whispered sincerely.

They weren't sure what to do, where to go from there. If they let go then it would all end: their world would come crashing down on them and everything they knew would cease to be. Better to stay like that, each safe in the other's arms, oblivious to the world outside. Better to stay and never let go. Better to stay.


	20. Walk

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 20. I officially don't have anything else written in advance. The comment on smoking was the last thing. I write random lines and always end up using them later. Anyway, when did this get so long? Bleh. This isn't that great, but I've been in a slump. It's because I was at home in the stifling atmosphere of religious craziness that is my family life. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religious people. It's just that these particular religious people are insane and I'm _related_ to them. Anywho, on with the chapter.

Thank you to Nezumi Wing, Dawn-at-Midnight, SincerelyRainbow, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Micuko, Con Fuoco, Water Nixxen, and dookie for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Perhaps in some alternate world I own Death Note, but not here.

* * *

Mello shifted uncomfortably. He had just woken up to find Matt leaning over him, an expression of grim patience plastered to his face.

"Mello, we need to talk."

That was exactly what the blonde had been afraid he would say. He groaned and sat up, staring at the wall. There was nothing he wanted less at the moment than to discuss anything. Matt pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, taking out his lighter and lighting one. Mello rolled his eyes, wondering why Matt had to pick such a disgusting way of overcoming stress. Not that his was much better.

"Mel, about the whole..." Matt reached out and tapped Mello's left wrist tentatively. "Why did you do it?"

Mello opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. The words wouldn't come. Instead he raised his hands. **I don't want to talk right now.**

"Then sign, I don't care," Matt said. "Honestly, as long as you'll explain I don't care."

**Matt, I really don't want to discuss this**, Mello said, staring at his knees.

"Mel, come on," Matt said calmly. "I'm not mad, I promise. I just want to know what happened."

Mello sighed and opened his mouth again. He wanted to talk, but he couldn't. He tried again, forcing the words from his throat. "Matt." The sound of his own voice was odd, rough and cracked. "I wish I could explain."

"Try," the redhead said, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"It... I don't know. It helps," Mello whispered. "I know that sounds stupid, but it does. Right now, just being awake hurts. I can't stop thinking about what happened. It helps."

Matt was quiet for a moment. "How does it help?"

"Do we really have to talk about this right now?" Mello sighed.

"I just want to understand," Matt said quietly. "But no, I suppose not. Hey, at least I got some explanation. Still, Mel, don't do it. Ok? If you want to talk about anything, I'll listen. But don't hurt yourself. And I mean that. Anything. Can I see your arm for a sec?"

Mello didn't move, but he didn't fight when Matt picked up his wrist again and pushed back his sleeve. The gamer let out a pained hiss as he took in the damage. It looked terrible.

"Mel?"

The blonde glanced at him out of the corners of his eyes.

"Don't do this anymore, ok?"

A brief nod and the hand the gamer held attached itself to his sleeve. "You know I won't promise."

"I know," Matt sighed. "But it's a start." The gamer leaned over to put out his cigarette in the ash tray he had left on the small table with the clock. "Come on. Get up. We're going for a walk."

"No."

"Mel you can't hide in here forever."

The blonde just glared defiantly. "Wanna bet?"

"No," the redhead answered, pulling the older boy to his feet. "It's ten in the morning so it's nice and bright out, the weather's beautiful, and I'll be with you. Come on." He paused to throw a shirt at Mello. "You can't go out like that."

Two minutes later Mello was standing at the end of the hall dressed in all black and looking ready to kill Matt. He had on black gloves that disappeared into the long sleeves of his shirt and his arms were crossed over his thin chest as he glared at the redhead. The way he stood, however, told anyone looking at him that he couldn't hurt the gamer if he tried, and that was what was frustrating to said gamer. He looked broken. He slouched, he kept his head bowed, his fingers were toying with the folds of his sleeves, and his eyes darted back and forth incessantly as though he expected to be attacked at any moment.

"Don't look so scared," Matt said, rising to lead the black clad blonde to the door.

The two hadn't gotten more than two blocks before Mello's twitchiness began to grate on Matt's nerves. With one gloved hand he reached into his pocket for a cigarette.

"You know, smoking will kill you," Mello reprimanded as Matt lit his second cigarette in an hour.

"No it won't," the gamer shot back. "Because you're going to worry me to death first."

Mello just rolled his eyes.

"Seriously. The way you jump at everything," Matt said, tugging Mello closer to him. "You've got me acting paranoid too."

Right on queue the blonde turned sharply to look behind him and tightened his grip on Matt's arm. There was nothing there. The gamer sighed and shook his head.

"I heard something this time," Mello whined when he saw the look of disdain he was getting.

"Yep," Matt nodded. "Just like you heard something the last three times. I think we've both had enough fresh air for one day. Let's go back before you freak out again."

Mello was tempted to reply with a snide comment, but he simply kept his head down and followed his gamer. He glanced over his shoulder one more time before moving. He knew he had really heard someone behind them.


	21. Painful Memories

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 21. This has gotten really long. I'm amazed people have put up with readin such a long story. Thank you all for sticking with me! On with the chapter.

Thank you to Yagami Night, SincerelyRainbow, Micuko, Con Fuoco, LavenderkisseS, and dookie for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Death Note is not mine.

_

* * *

_

_There was someone standing over him in the darkness. It was the same room. The only light came from behind the figure, casting its face into shadow. Mello tried to press himself into the wall as it approached. He had to get away, but there was nowhere to go. A cruel laugh sounded through the tiny room and Mello's blood froze. It was _him

_"Hey there, kiddo," the man said. "I thought you might be lonely all by yourself in here. How about we play a little game. Sound like fun?"_

_The blonde didn't move. Why him? Anyone would have been better. He would rather deal with two or three of the others then this man. Cruelty and vileness. Then again, there was a reason he was in charge._

_"Aw, don't be sad," he said in mock sympathy. Mello saw something in his hand, but he couldn't make out what it was. "Come here."_

_Mello didn't move. There was no way in hell._

_"I said come here," the man repeated. "Be a good boy and maybe daddy will give you a surprise."_

_The sharpshooter wanted to puke at the thought. _Stay away_, he thought desperately._

_"Get over here now, boy!" the man shouted at him. Mello cringed and obeyed. It seemed, however, that he had waited too long. A blow to the side dropped him to his knees and he nearly cried out in pain. The next blow struck him in the side of the head. He hunched over and immediately felt another fist crash down on his back._

Matt was pulled sharply out of sleep by Mello driving his nails into his arm. The smaller boy was whimpering in his sleep, flinching every so often. Matt didn't struggle as he felt Mello's grip on his arm tighten painfully.

"Hey Mel," he said softly. "Wake up." He nudged the blonde's shoulder, but he just whimpered louder. "Mel, you're hurting me," Matt said, noting the blood that was beginning to pool under Mello's nails. Gently he shook the boy, trying to wake him. He leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Love, you need to wake up now."

Once more he shook the older boy before blue eyes snapped open and the hand tightened again. Matt winced.

"Matt!" Mello cried, clinging to him.

"You were dreaming again," Matt said as he worked the blonde's fingers loose. He noted the shooter's expression. "What was it about this time?"

Mello whimpered again, moving so close that he was practically sitting in Matt's lap as he buried his face in the gamer's shoulder. "_Him_."

"Who?" Matt asked, wrapping his arms around the frightened boy and rubbing circles on his back. It looked as though he might finally get some answers.

"The people who kidnapped me," he said quietly. "He was their leader. He was the worst of them."

Matt pulled Mello a little closer and asked, "What did he do?"

"He was terrible," Mello murmured. "They all were. They would hit me. They kept me locked in that room. I never saw the light. It still hurts my eyes a bit. They only let me eat about once a week. I was never sure how much time had passed because I could never see the sun.

"They would just show up sometimes. I was always afraid they would come when I was sleeping. They..."

"It's alright," Matt whispered, stroking the boy's blonde hair.

Mello was crying. "They would hit me. I have scars from it. Sometimes one of them would have a knife. I think they liked to see me bleed. Sometimes they would break bones. I was always in pain. It hurt so much. Just being conscious hurt. I don't want to think about it."

"I know," Matt said soothingly. "But you're safe now. Everything's going to be fine. Is there anything else?"

Mello nodded. "I don't want to talk about it. It hurts to remember."

"That's alright," Matt said softly. "I'm just glad you're talking about it at all. I hate knowing they did that to you, but I hate seeing you in pain even more. Just hold on. Everything will be better now."

"Thank you," Mello whispered hoarsely, pressing his face into Matt's chest.

The gamer let his chin rest on the top of the boy's blonde head. After a moment he moved to press a kiss to the smaller boy's forehead. "I love you, Mel."

Blood shot blue eyes looked up at him before Mello latched onto him in a tight hug, crying into his shoulder. There were no words, but that was alright. They didn't need them anyway.


	22. Kiss Me

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter 22. I like this chapter. It's cute and I had fun writing it. That's about it. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, Midnight Raining Down, dookie, Micuko, SincerelyRainbow, KitaraStrife, -LavenderkisseS-, and XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX for reviewing! I loving reading you guys' comments. It makes me happy!

**Disclaimer:** Death Note is not mine.

* * *

"Mel?" Matt called, waving a hand in front of the blonde's face. The boy had been staring at him for nearly five minutes now. "Hey, snap out of it." 

Mello didn't even blink. Finally Matt reached over and tapped him on the forehead. That woke him up.

"What?" the shooter blinked.

Matt rolled his eyes. "You've been staring at me for forever now. It's kind of unnerving. What are you thinking?"

He watched as Mello's face turned about four shades of red. "Nothing."

"Mm-hmm," Matt said, trying not to laugh. Mello had never been one to be shy.

"I swear it's nothing!" the flustered blonde exclaimed.

"Ok," Matt challenged. "Then tell me."

Hesitantly the blonde reached over, hand trembling, and brushed Matt's hair away from his eyes. "Your hair," he said softly, letting his fingers trail over the redhead's cheek. "And the colour of your eyes."

Matt went to sit next to him on the couch. Having a table between them didn't feel right. Mello watched him anxiously before reaching out to touch his face again. This time Matt leaned into the gentle touch and Mello started. The gamer was disappointed to see the hand retracted.

"You know what I've been thinking about?" he asked quietly, running his fingertips down Mello's cheek. He felt the blonde shiver. Blue eyes widened as Matt moved a little closer and leaned forward. His advance stopped, however, when he saw the terror in the older boy's eyes. He sighed. "It's alright. I won't if you don't me to."

"No," Mello said, catching the hand that was being pulled away. Shakily he brought it back to his cheek. "I do. I'm just... I'm a little scared is all."

Matt nodded. "I understand."

Slowly the redhead leaned closer, giving the blonde every opportunity to push him away. Mello didn't move. Gently Matt tilted the smaller boy's head and pressed their lips together. Mello flinched and held on to Matt's shirt. When the taller boy pulled back he wasn't quite sure what to think of the blonde's expression. It was somewhere between petrified and happy. For Matt it had been wonderful, but he wanted more. They had been living together for about four months now and this was the first time they had even kissed. Still, he didn't want to be demanding and risk scaring Mello.

He moved his hand from the boy's cheek to his shoulder. "You ok, Mel?"

The shooter nodded and placed his hand over Matt's. He was trembling as he leaned forward. He wanted to do this. It meant so much to him and he knew Matt wanted it, but it scared him. Slowly he shifted so that he could be a little closer to the redheaded gamer and draped his arms around his neck. He wanted this. It was just Matt. Matt would never hurt him. It was alright.

Matt was stunned when Mello kissed him, so much so that it took him a moment to kiss back. He wrapped his arms around the boy's thin waist and drew him onto his lap. It came as a surprise that he met no resistance and even more of a surprise when Mello traced his tongue along Matt's lip. The younger boy gave in to him, musing on the fact that Mello tasted like chocolate.

When the blonde pulled away he looked scared. Happy, but scared. Gently Matt ran his fingertips over Mello's cheekbone and along his jaw, smiling. The poor boy was so tense.

"I love you," the redhead whispered.

Mello smiled. "I love you, too."

"Are you alright?" Matt asked, his hands coming to rest on the smaller boy's hips as he studied his expression. "You seem nervous."

Mello looked away and murmured "A little."

The blonde fell silent, lost in his thoughts. How could he tell Matt what he was thinking? How could he explain what he felt? It was difficult when what he felt frightened him. What if Matt hurt him? That was ridiculous. The red haired boy would never harm him. Never. Still, he couldn't help considering the possibility. Matt was patient. He would let Mello act on his own terms. But he had been forward in trying to kiss him. What if... There were too many what ifs. He knew what he felt and it terrified him.

"Mello?" Matt frowned and lifted the small boy's chin so that their eyes met. "What's wrong?"

Mello shook his head. How could he explain?

"Did I do something?" Matt asked. He seemed nervous.

"No," the blonde said honestly.

The redhead's frown deepened. "Something I did reminded you of..." He didn't want to finish that thought.

"No," Mello said franticly, shaking his head. He didn't want Matt to think he had hurt him in some way. "It's not that. I'm just not sure of the best way to say what I want to say."

"Just say it," Matt said gently. "I'm listening."

The blonde hesitated briefly as his trembling hands found Matt's shoulders and pressed him back against the couch. With a deep breath he closed his eyes pressed their lips together again. This time, though, it was more forceful, more lustful and that was what startled Matt. He tried to move but, Mello held him where he was. That decided him. Quickly he pushed the blonde away.

"Mello," he said somewhat more harshly than intended. "What was that?"

The blonde was shaking, blue eyes filled with fear. Matt was angry with him. What if he didn't want him here anymore? What if he hurt him? He almost expected to be struck for what he had just done. What _had_ he just done? His eyes widened with the sudden realization.

"Mel?" Matt repeated, softer this time. The smaller boy looked distant, his eyes wide and unfocused.

Mello snapped out of his thoughts. Matt. Oh god. He tried to get up, to get away, only to find himself restrained by strong, gentle hands. Finally his gaze locked onto Matt's and he felt his throat tighten. "I'm sorry," he squeaked, struggling to free himself.

"It's alright," Matt said seriously. "But I'm not going to do that. You're too scared and I don't want to hurt you." Mello opened his mouth to protest, but Matt held up a hand to silence him. "Don't argue. It's obvious you're afraid. You're shaking."

Indeed he was. He was tense, flustered, and, above all, terrified. He wasn't quite sure what to do or what to think. He was panting slightly with fear and he would have liked nothing more than to hide. He jumped when he felt Matt's fingertips brush his cheek again and come to rest where his neck met his shoulders. Without meaning to he flinched as he waited for the redhead to hurt him. But the pain he expected didn't come and he slowly reopened his eyes.

Matt was watching him sadly. The blonde seemed so scared. He knew turning him down had been the right thing to do, but he hadn't meant to scare him. From the pained expression it almost seemed as though Mello was expecting to be hit. It hurt to see that fear. Carefully Matt moved the hand at the blonde's neck down to touch his shoulder blade, right over his tattoo. What had happened to the old Mello? He was broken, tamer than Matt could ever remember him being. He had always been fierce and assertive. Now, though, he was trembling and waiting to be hurt rather than enforcing his authority. Not that anything would have come of it if he had tried, now or in the past. Still, he had become submissive. In a way Matt missed having Mello as a constant threat. It was certainly better than this.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Matt said quietly. "That's why I stopped you in the first place. I don't want you to get hurt. Don't rush this. I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything that's going to scare you."

Mello shifted so that he could lean against the redhead again. "I don't know what to think about how I feel. I'm scared of it. I know what I feel, but it scares me."

"That's alright," Matt told him. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm sorry," Mello whispered, letting his head rest against the taller boy's shoulder.

"Don't be," the redhead replied. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"But I –"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Matt cut him off. "I understand what you're feeling and I see why that would scare you after everything. I just take this as a sign that you're finally starting to let go a little. That's good enough for me. Just don't push yourself to do anything you aren't comfortable with and we'll be fine.

"One thing you need to understand, though, is that I am not going to do anything to hurt you. Ever. You always seem so afraid every time you do something that you think might upset me. I don't know what you think I'm going to do to you, but I assure you I won't. It hurts to know that you think I might do something to you. No matter what, I _will not_ harm you in any way. Okay?"

Mello nodded. "I'm sorry."

"And don't apologize," Matt added. "You apologize for everything. Most of the time it's things you really can't do anything about. I don't mind, so don't apologize."

Again Mello nodded. Softly he buried his face in the crook of Matt's neck. "Thank you."

They were silent for a moment, each caught up in his own thoughts. Mello was just focused on the sound of Matt's breathing and his heartbeat against his shoulder. It was soothing to feel him so close. Safety, warmth, and, most importantly, love. That's what Matt was to him. He closed his eyes as Matt rubbed at his still tense shoulder comfortingly. For a moment he wondered how he could ever have thought this boy would harm him. He was alright; they were alright. He was safe here with Matt and everything would be just fine. He like the sound of that. The pain would fade and slowly he would be more ok with himself and his emotions. Until then, though, Matt would wait and be there for him. Everything would be ok.

Matt could feel Mello's breathing begin to even out. The tension had begun to drain from his shoulders as the panting slowed. Matt was glad for that. Really there was nothing more important to him at the moment than the fact that Mello was showing obvious progress. He wasn't quite his old self again, but he was doing better. That was all he could ask.

"Your hair's getting long," Matt observed quietly, running his hand through Mello's soft, gold coloured locks. "Do you want me to cut it for you?"

Mello shook his head, smiling a little. "I think I'm going to let it grow. I kind of like it long."

Matt smiled too at the comment. Progress.


	23. Would You Still Love Me?

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 23. Because there were still things I felt Mello needed to tell Matt. I like that they're starting to seem more like a functional couple. Still, Mello's broken. That's enough of my rambling. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, Nezumi Wing, -LavenderkisseS-, Haruhi Komodori, Kitara Strife, Yagami Night, Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Death Note doesn't belong to me.

* * *

A month had passed. It was only a month, but so much had happened. Matt couldn't believe how quickly Mello was improving. He seemed so much happier and it showed in everything from his actions to his appearance to the things he said. He had started doing little things to let Matt know he cared. There was no longer an air of apathy about him. He smiled more and he was stronger now. His hair was nearly chin-length and even though it was November he had gone back to wearing his sleeveless vests around the apartment rather than hiding under long sleeved shirts and oversized hoodies. He no longer felt the need to wear shirts with sleeves that came past his finger tips; he was no longer afraid to let Matt see him. The rest of the world was a different story, but he felt safe with Matt.

"Morning," Mello said as he came up behind the redhead and hesitantly wrapped his arms around his waist. Matt had been standing at the stove and hadn't heard the blonde behind him. He started slightly at the contact before leaning back against the older boy. That was another thing that had changed: Mello was no longer terrified to touch him. They were still taking things slow, but Mello no longer feared being hit every time he touched the redhead.

"Morning, love," Matt replied. "You're in a good mood today. Any particular reason?"

"Nothing much," Mello shrugged. "I was able to sleep last night. No nightmares."

The gamer smiled. "That's great. Hey, you hungry?"

Mello glanced down at the _thing_ in the pan Matt was holding. Another new recipe. Matt was a decent cook, but in Mello's opinion he should stick to cooking things he was used to. "No. I'll get something edible, thanks."

Matt just scoffed at him. "I'd like to see you try to do better."

They both knew Mello couldn't cook. The last time he had tried he had nearly started a fire. After that Matt wouldn't let him near the stove because he "liked having a place to live." Mello just shook his head and went to get a bowl of cereal. It wasn't long before Matt joined him on the couch, toast in hand. The blonde couldn't help laughing.

"Did you give up?" Mello chuckled.

"Leave it," Matt grumbled.

"Hey, Matt?" the blonde said, suddenly quiet as he stared at the floor.

"Hmm?" the gamer hummed.

"Would you still... love me... if I told you the rest of what happened?" Mello whispered, setting down his bowl to wrap his arms around himself. He looked scared and slightly ill.

Matt was shocked. He moved a little closer and pulled Mello against him. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

The blonde winced and whispered, "Because I did some of it willingly. I didn't want them to hurt me so I did what they wanted."

"How could I be angry about it if they threatened you?" Matt said softly.

Mello closed his eyes and took a deep breath, squeezing Matt's hand as he began to speak. He had been nothing but a plaything to them, a sex toy – Matt cringed at Mello's use of the term – and so some of the things he had been forced to do were horrendous. He could feel himself crying as he talked, his voice hoarse with tears and unwanted memories. There were the times when two or three of them would come at once, the things they did to make it worse for him physically. Matt could feel him shaking. He mentioned some of the injuries the men had inflicted simply because they like seeing him in pain and bleeding. The "angel wings" on his back, the scars he didn't know Matt had seen. He talked about how broken he had felt after that, how it had been nearly as bad as the first time had been attacked. The pain, the humiliation, it had been terrible. He had felt so worthless, less than human, used and broken and so unclean. Even now it hurt to remember. He had wanted to die.

Matt pulled the sobbing boy closer, holding him as though he would never let go. Hushing him and smoothing his hair, he felt the blonde flinch. Quietly Mello explained that the reason he had kept his hair short in the first place was that they had liked to run their hands through it and tell him what a pretty girl he would make with his hair long like that. It had been past his shoulders when the police had found him.

"Mel," Matt breathed. He had no idea what to say. The smaller boy was trembling and clinging to Matt like a lifeline. And at that moment, Matt was his lifeline. It hurt. All of it. Having Matt there, though, it made it a little easier, because he wasn't alone.

"I love you, Mello," Matt whispered, thinking of the small boy's question. Would he still love him if he knew? Of course he would. There was nothing Mello could do to change that. "More than anything. I'd die for you. I love you."

Mello clung to him, sobbing even harder. Matt hadn't forsaken him. He was loved and he didn't have to go through it on his own anymore. He wasn't alone. He would never be alone again. God, he didn't want to be alone anymore. "Matt."

"It's alright," Matt said gently. "Shh. It's ok. You're alright. I'm here."

"I don't want to be alone," Mello sobbed into his shoulder.

"You're not," Matt whispered. "I'm here. You aren't alone anymore. Everything will be better now. I promise you'll never go through anything like that again."

"Matt," Mello sobbed again. He couldn't think of anything to say. "Thank you."

"I should be the one thanking you for trusting me. It's not easy," Matt said. "Are you gonna be alright?"

Mello nodded slowly. "Yeah. I think so." He was still shaking, but the tears were slowing now. Matt's warmth against him was comforting. "It just hurts still."

"I'd be surprised if it didn't," Matt murmured. Mello's breathing wasn't as ragged now, which was good because Matt had been fearing a third panic attack. It wouldn't have surprised him at the moment, but he didn't want to deal with it. Actually, aside from the tears and the fact that he was shaking, the blonde seemed relatively calm. The outright sobbing had passed and he wasn't as tense as he pressed himself against the gamer, seemingly begging to be held.

"We'll be ok, right?" Mello asked quietly, hopefully.

"Yeah," Matt whispered as he held the older boy close. "We're going to be just fine."


	24. Escaped

**A/N: **Hola. Chapter 24. This one's a bit different and I had a whole expliantion written out, but I accidently erased it and I'm lazy. On with the chapter. 

Thank you to SincerelyRainbow, Water Nixxen, Haruhi Komodori, Con Fuoco, Dawn-at-Midnight, -LavenderkisseS-, Kitara Strife, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehl, and Kitttea for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Matt nearly fell out of bed as he sat up. His phone was ringing and it was the obnoxious ringtone version of the Super Mario theme song that had woken him. One glance at the clock told him it was two in the morning and he knew that it was Near calling and that the pale boy better have a good reason for calling or Matt was going to hunt him down and...

"Do you _know_ it's two in the morning," Matt grumbled as he answered the phone. "You may be an insomniac, but us normal people are trying to sleep."

"Sorry for waking you," Near said, tension lacing his voice. "But it couldn't wait."

"Alright, so what's so important you had to scare me half to death?" Matt asked.

Near exhaled lightly, but still loud enough that Matt could hear it. The seemingly emotionless boy was stressed. "One of Mello's captors has managed to escape."

Matt froze as his mind flashed back to the day before.

_"Give it up already," Matt griped at the blonde. They had gone for a walk, more to get Mello out of the apartment than anything, and the nervous shooter insisted they were being followed. _

_"I swear I heard something," Mello insisted. "There's someone there. Matt, please. Can we just go home? It's not safe out here. Please."_

_"There's no one there, Mel," the gamer told him. Still Mello had insisted that they were, in fact, being followed. Finally Matt had given up and agreed to go back, cursing Mello's paranoia all the while._

"Matt?" Near questioned, puzzled by the sudden silence.

"They know where we are," Matt said, as much to himself as to Near.

"How?" the small detective asked.

"Yesterday we were in town and Mel kept insisting there was someone following us. I just dismissed it as paranoia, but that's what it was. I'm sure of it. But how did they know to look for us here?" Matt said, chest tight with worry.

"I don't know, but you two should leave there if that's the case," Near advised.

"Where will we go?" Matt wanted to know.

Near sighed. "I don't know. Here, if all else fails. You two are the closest thing I have to family, after all. Right now, though, I have a search organized. I've obviously taken a personal interest in this case, since it involves the two of you."

Matt could tell that was supposed to be comforting, but it failed miserably. Rather than comment, he ignored what Near had said in favour of another question. "Which one? What does he look like?"

"His name is Ross Irvin. He's twenty six, six foot two and a half, and one hundred and fifty three pounds. He's quite thin, as you can probably imagine, and very pale. He had light brown hair and grey eyes. No glasses or contacts. Walks with a slight limp in his left leg. He's a trained sniper. Interestingly enough, according to his confession he's the only one of those men never to lay a hand on Mello. He had no contact with Mello whatsoever aside from bringing him food and water. He was, however, the one responsible for Mello's capture," Near said blankly.

Matt was quiet for a moment as he tried to process what Near had told him. If he wasn't mistaken, this was the man Mello had mentioned when he spoke of his captivity. This was the mysterious "thin man." Perhaps it was a good thing, he thought, that it had been this man rather than one of the others who had found his way to freedom. Not that it was a good thing that any of them were out, but all things considered... But there was something else that bothered him. Ross Irvin. Why did that name sound familiar?

"I'm not going to tell Mello," Matt said quietly.

Near nodded even though Matt couldn't see him. "That's probably for the best."

"Where should we go, though?" Matt asked nervously.

There was a brief pause. "Come back to Manhattan. I have a place for you near the base."

"Thanks Near," Matt said earnestly, his voice trembling slightly with anxiety.

"Don't mention it," the other boy said solemnly. "Like I said, you two are the closest thing to family I have."

With that the line went dead. Matt stared at the phone in his hand for a moment before turning toward Mello. This would be the hard part. The gamer started as the phone in his hand sprang loudly to life once more and he opened it to find a longwinded message from Near containing an address that was only visible if you knew how the pale boy worked. Matt grabbed the closest writing utensil and scrap of paper to scribble down the address before getting up and throwing on warmer clothes. He then packed the few things they would need to take with them into an old duffle bag and set himself to the task of getting Mello to come with him willingly.

"Hey Mel," he said, nudging the blonde's shoulder until sleepy blue eyes peered up at him in annoyance. "Get up. We have to go."

"Where?" Mello demanded as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

"Nowhere. Just come on," Matt said, half pleading.

"Matt, it's two in the morning," Mello said. "Where are we going?"

"Manhattan," Matt said. "Beyond that, I don't know. Near sent me the address we're to go to. He said it was urgent, to get there as quickly as possible."

"Stupid sheep," Mello grumbled as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and went to the dresser to get clothes. Once glance from the still sleepy blue eyes and Matt left the room so Mello could change. He was still odd about that. Only once so far had he let Matt see him without a shirt, and never more than that.

Once he had changed into a pair of ill fitting black jeans and a black hoodie about three sizes too big, he emerged into the hallway still grumbling about having to act on a suggestion made by Near. As they walked silently to Matt's car and got in neither of them had any idea what would happen from that night.


	25. Background

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 25. This is way longer than I expected it to be. This and GLS have just kept getting longer. Right when I think it's almost over, moe comes up. I'm enjoying writing this, though. I'll just shut up now. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Nezumi Wing, SincerelyRainbow, Micuko, blindyourears, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Con Fuoco, and -LavenderkisseS- for reviewing!

**Diclaimer:** The only thing that's mine is Ross.

* * *

"This is it," Matt said quietly as they stood outside the apartment indicated by the address Near had sent. It was close to Near's headquarters, he would give the boy that. He could see the nondescript building from where he stood. Out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw a figure in one of the darkened windows, but as soon as he blinked it was gone. Probably Near, he speculated, checking to see that they had arrived safely.

Once they were safely inside, the door locked behind them, Mello tugged lightly at the back of Matt's shirt collar to get his attention. When the redhead turned around, he was startled by the look in Mello's cold blue eyes. It was demanding, more so than he had dared to be since he was kidnapped.

"Why are we here?" he asked quietly, his tone soft. "Don't lie to me, Matt. I'm not stupid and I'm not a child. I'll admit I may be frail at the moment –" as much as it hurt his pride to do so "– but I can tell something isn't right."

Matt just stared at him, shocked. This was _not_ the Mello he knew. What had happened? Still, he supposed he was right. Better for him to know now than to stumble across it later and stop trusting the gamer. The redhead took a deep breath. "Ross Irvin."

Mello's icy eyes widened in recognition. "What about him?"

"He's out," Matt said softly. Mello tried to back away, as though looking for somewhere

to hide, but Matt caught him and pulled him close. "See why I didn't tell you?"

Mello just stared up at him in fear.

"Hey," Matt whispered. "Remember how I said I was going to protect you? That's exactly what I intend to do. He won't get near you as long as I'm around."

Mello twisted his hands into the fabric of Matt's shirt, whimpering softly as memories came crashing down on him. He nearly hissed in fear when he felt Matt's hands on his back.

"Mel?" the gamer seemed almost nervous. "I'm really sorry about this. Near called me right before I woke you up to let me know. I want to help. Near has a search going. They'll catch him. Nothing's going to happen."

The blonde wanted to say something, even if it was just to tell Matt he was an idiot for being so naive, but the words weren't there. His throat had tightened until he felt like he couldn't breathe. It wasn't until Matt picked him up that he found his voice in the form of a terrified yelp.

"What are you doing?!" Mello panicked, struggling so that Matt nearly dropped him.

"Nothing," Matt said gently. "Calm down."

And indeed, it was nothing. He merely carried Mello to the couch, not stopping to wonder how Near had known the layout of their apartment, and sat down with the trembling blonde on his lap. Slowly, gently he leaned down to place a soft kiss on the boy's forehead before pulling him close once more.

* * *

A soft sigh escaped colourless lips. The pale boy was frustrated, not that anyone watching him would be able to tell. Matt would though, Near knew. Mello would, too. That was why he needed to protect them. More specifically, he needed to protect Matt. He would let the insane gamer deal with Mello. Matt had to be insane to want to live with the blonde nightmare. Really, though, Near didn't hate Mello as much as he pretended he did. Matt was the only one who knew that, though, and even Matt wasn't aware that Near really didn't hate Mello at all. For as much as Mello despised him, Near really couldn't bring himself to hate the boy. It was against his nature. 

Perhaps that was why it frustrated him so much that the search was going nowhere. He was half tempted to go see Matt just to give himself a break. Mello would be there too. He hadn't seen the blonde since before the whole _incident_, so perhaps he would be civil now. He doubted it, though. Mello was Mello and nothing could change that. Still, Matt loved him. Somehow the gentle redhead had fallen for the unpredictable whirlwind of emotion and violence that was Mello. And that, perhaps more than the legacy he had been charged to carry, was what frustrated Near about this case. Matt had been his only real friend, was still his only real friend. He couldn't let him down and that meant catching this Ross man.

And since when had tracking someone been so difficult? After all, this wasn't Kira, simply a run-of-the-mill, military trained sniper. This should be easy. Perhaps more frustrating than the fact that he couldn't track the man was the fact that he couldn't find any background on him. The English military records were the earliest bit of information he had found. Everything prior to that was gone. The only thing he had come across that was even vaguely interesting had been part of the military records. He had been top of his class and young too. There was an odd note, though. He had been discharged not long after completing training. Apparently he had attacked a fellow officer, but they had never been able to prove he was responsible so they discharged him on medical terms citing an injury to his knee and the resulting limp.

Better yet was the fact that the military had covered up the death. Near wasn't quite clear on what they had done, because the family had asked to see the body and had been told he died of a heart attack. But the soldier had been viciously attacked, there was no way they could have prevented the family from seeing the wounds to his face. _What face?_ Near asked himself grimly. It had been all but torn away. The eyes were gone, skin pealed back, lower jaw gone. Not to mention the damage to the rest of the body. And how was it that they were so confident it had been Irvin who killed him if they couldn't prove anything. He hadn't even been on the list of possible suspects. He had come to America shortly after that and then there was another gap, this one only three years. No tax record, no police record, nothing. Not even record of his citizenship, although Near knew from the police that he was an American citizen. _Who is this guy? And what does he want with Mello?_

But none of it fit. According to the report from Mello's case and from Mello's account of his captivity, Irvin had been completely docile, friendly even. That didn't fit with a man who would mutilate his fellow military officer. And _why was he here_? Why was there no record of him? It was as though someone had simply erased his past...

_Just like the Wammy's children,_ Near thought. His past, along with Matt's, Mello's, and L's, had been erased. It was only those in the running for L's title, though. The rest had been kept, because future employers wouldn't want someone with no background. Most of the children ended up with governments, police... military. This guy hadn't been intelligence, though. Not even special ops. Just an average sniper. No background...

There was no way. Irvin. Ross Irvin. No way in hell.

Near picked up the phone, punching in Matt's cell phone number. It only rang once before he heard a muffled "What's up?" from the other end of the line.

"I have an idea about Irvin," Near said quietly. "You're not going to like this..."


	26. Recognition

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 26. This is another short chapter, but I like how it turned out. I think I'm getting sick. It's probably because I don't sleep. I like being up at two an three in the morning because then I can wander the dorm and not have to deal with people. I'm a little anti-social. The only person I ever run into at that point in time is the one guy who lives here who suffers from insomnia. Pretty much, if I'm up so is he. But I don't mind him, he's interesting to talk to. Anyway, I like this chapter, so I'll shut up now and let you read it. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Haruhi Komodori, Con Fuoco, Rim Greaper, and Angel of 513 for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I do (not) own Death Note.

* * *

Matt just gaped at the phone in his hand as he listened to what Near had found. And the theory was more shocking than the history. Near had lost it.

"You think he was... _one of us_?" Matt said incredulously.

"I never said that," Near replied calmly. "But the possibility cannot be ruled out."

"Near, you're crazy," Matt said bluntly.

"You are not the first person to tell me that," Near replied in the same flat tone Matt had used. "But the question of my sanity can be saved for another time. There are more pressing matters."

"So... you think he was one of _us_," Matt repeated.

"I said it was possible," Near said again. As fond as he was of the gamer, the boy could be quite irritating at times.

"So just to clarify, because I'm still not sure I heard you right, what did you find on this guy?" Matt asked in an attempt at calmness. He envied Near's constant appearance of serenity. God and the devil could come parading through his headquarters in tutus and tiaras and Near wouldn't give away the slightest hint of surprise.

"Nothing," Near replied. "That's what bothers me. There's nothing before his military records, and then he drops out of history for three years after he moved to the US."

"Tell me again about the murder," Matt requested.

He could feel his anxiety growing as Near read him the details a second time. Face partially skinned, eyes and lower jaw missing. Skin over chest and stomach pulled back, heart and lungs missing. Arms and legs partially skinned, pointer fingers missing. The victim had been another sniper in training. No prints and no foreign DNA found at the scene. No sign of a struggle and no drugs in the victim's system. All fibres collected were from standard issue military fatigues, all tracks came from standard boots issued just the day before so there were no distinguishing flaws, the weapon used was a standard military issue knife. No suspects, no solid leads, no clear cause of death. The murder could have been committed by anyone in the camp. The missing eyes, jaw, heart, lungs, and fingers were never recovered.

"Ok... wow," Matt breathed. "This guy scares me... and he's after Mello."

"Correct," Near said. "I think I may move you to the base simply for safety's sake. I think you'll understand why."

"I do," Matt said, glancing over at the sleeping blonde next to him on the couch. "I don't think Mello should know until we move, if we move. He'll protest, though. I'll get him to go with it. I told him why we came here after he demanded information, so I think he'll trust your judgement."

"I hate to do this to you," Near said apologetically. "I know how hard this must be on both of you, especially you."

"It's fine," Matt assured him.

"Come at o one hundred hours tomorrow," Near told him. "I'll have everything set up for you. Rester, Lidner, and Giovanni won't give you any problems, I promise. I know you don't like Rester or Lidner. I'll tell them not to bother you if you like."

Was that actually _pity_ Matt heard in Near's voice? "Near, it's fine."

"I should have caught him by now," Near explained in a flat voice. Matt knew he was distressed.

"These aren't exactly normal circumstances," the redhead chuckled softly.

Near smiled a little. That was just like Matt to make light of a grim situation.

"I think I remember that name, though," Matt said suddenly. "Once you mentioned Wammy's and the fact that he had no past. There's a story I remember from when I was really little. I don't think you or Mello were there yet. I mean, I was like, four. I never believed it. It was too weird. But I thought when you told me the name that I had heard it before. Do you think there's a chance it's the same guy?"

"I'd have to hear the story," Near said, feeling slightly ill. Just the possibility that someone – no, some_thing_ – like that had come out of Wammy's, was in the running for the title he now held, it was sickening.

"I'll tell you tomorrow," Matt said. "I'll try to remember all the details."

"Right," Near nodded. "Anything you can offer will be appreciated. O one hundred hours."

"Got it," Matt confirmed. "You're crazy."

Near actually smiled this time. "I know. Tomorrow."

"Over and out," Matt said as the signal was lost. With a sigh he looked over at Mello. The blonde was shivering in his sleep. _So much for normality._


	27. Story

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 27. Geez, this has gotten long. Anyway, I hate this chapter, so if you think it sucks, I agree. It's the story mostly. I rewrote that three times and it still sucked, and then I gave up on it. And not only is it awful, it'slong too. That's about all I have to say. I hope I don't lose too many people with this. I may or may not end up rewriting this... again. The next chapter will be better, I promise. And about the murder. I was intentionally vauge and detached because I didn't want to gross anyone out too badly. Sorry if I did. I'm a forensic biology major, so I find that sort of thing interesting. I've read every book on the Body Farm and the bug school and autopses and serial killers I can get my hands on. It's facinating if you have a strong stomach. On with the poorly written chapter.

Thanks to Nezumi Wing, -LavenderkisseS-, Haruhi Komodori, Kittea, Yagami Night, and Micuko for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Death Note is not mine. You should all be thankful for that.

* * *

Matt picked Mello up off the couch, knowing the blonde would wake as soon as he felt hands on him, and carried him toward where he guessed the bedroom would be. He explained as he walked that they would leave again tomorrow at one in the morning. This time, though, they were simply moving across the street to Near's headquarters. It would be safer there. Surprisingly, Mello didn't protest. Matt attributed this to his unease in their current residence. At least with Near there was security and no matter how much Mello hated the boy, he could not protest security, safety. He watched silently as Matt sat down next to him with a notebook and pen. That was odd. And why wasn't Matt sleeping? It was nearly sunrise. 

"What are you doing?" Mello inquired as he watched the pen in Matt's hand race across the pages of the notebook.

"Trying to remember a story," Matt said without bothering to look up.

The blonde smirked. "I never saw you as much of a writer."

"I'm not," the gamer grumble, irritated by the distraction. "This is important. Go back to sleep so I can think."

"This is about the thin man, isn't it?" Mello whispered.

"Yeah," Matt nodded in acknowledgement.

"What's the story?" the shooter asked, curious and nervous.

The redhead let out a sigh. "You wouldn't remember it. I'll tell you tomorrow."

Mello knew better than to push the aggravated gamer any further, so he was silent, just watching him scribble down bits of old memories.

* * *

It took Mello all of three seconds to silently declare his dominance when he and Matt arrived at Near's base. Of course the blonde was still too timid to actually say anything to that effect, but it was evident in the way he looked at the albino boy crouched on the floor in the centre of a room that looked like heaven to Matt. Monitors lined two of the walls, while the third held hard drives used to back up case data. The nerve centre of Near's work. This was the real thing. The pale boy looked absolutely tiny, washed out as he was by the harsh glow of towering walls of monitors. He himself was surrounded by four keyboards and an intricate castle built entirely of dice. He didn't look up at them until he heard Giovanni's retreating footsteps fade to silence. 

"Good evening," he greeted with a nod. "I am glad to see you have arrived safely."

"Thank you Near," Matt said with a forced smile. It was almost painful to see how sickly his friend looked. Granted, he had always been frail, but it seemed his condition had worsened since the last time Matt had seen him. Stress perhaps.

"How have you both been?" Near asked with what seemed to be disinterest.

"We've been alright," Matt replied quietly with a glance at Mello. "Not great, but we've been alright."

"I'm glad to hear that," Near nodded, eyes downcast. Mello was still glaring at him, although it wasn't at all effective. Near had learned to ignore the blonde years ago. Besides, he was hardly threatening when he was clinging to Matt.

"How've you been?" Matt asked politely.

Near studied him for a moment. "I've been better, but I can't complain. Now, I hate to bother you, but what was that story you mentioned?"

"Oh!" Matt explained, digging in his pockets for the scrap of paper. "Right. This. Mel, if you don't want to stay, just go to bed. You look exhausted."

"What makes you think I don't want to know?" Mello grumbled irritably.

Matt shrugged and glanced down at the paper in his hands before plopping down in front of Near. "I just wasn't sure." He ignored the blonde as he muttered "I'm not a kid" under his breath. "Right, so, when I was really little something odd happened. I don't think anything else like it had happened in the history of Wammy's. I was about four at the time.

"There used to be this kid at Wammy's. He was about sixteen when they threw him out." He paused to take in Near's expression. It wasn't much, but Matt could tell he was startled. After all, if anyone knew how to read Near, it was Matt. "He had tried to kill one of the other orphans.

"His name was Ross. He was supposed to be the second smartest student at Wammy's. The first was L. Of course, I didn't really pay attention at that point. I was too young to care. Anyway, Ross was a loner. He was like you and Mello in a way; there were only a couple of people he would talk to. But he wasn't actually close to anyone. People used to whisper about what had happened to him before Wammy's. I don't know for sure, because it changed a lot, but there was one story that seemed to be most prevalent. People said he wasn't really an orphan, that he had been taken from his parents because of what they had done to him, and that he had spent time in an institution before Roger got word of him.

"He was always jealous of L, kind of like the way Mello was always angry with you, only he was more quiet about it. Instead of tormenting his rival the way Mello did, Ross just studied him. Nobody figured out the reason until the night he left. He tried to poison him.

"He had been studying poisons in the time just before that, but no one really thought too much of it. At least, they didn't until L got sick inexplicably after dinner. One night. They ended up taking him to the hospital and by the time they came back, Ross was gone.

"L was alright, obviously, but everyone was a little shaken. Well, the older ones were shaken. Us little ones didn't believe a word of it. We pretty much agreed that L had just gotten sick. We didn't think anyone would try to kill him. But they found the stuff for the poison hidden under the floor in Ross' room the next day. His mistake had been choosing a fast acting poison rather than a slow acting one. He realized that as soon as L got sick and he ran, because he knew they'd figure it out.

"Like I said, I never believed it. I was too young. No one could hurt L, simply because he was _L_. Anyway, there you go. They searched for him for a while, but they basically gave up after they couldn't find him and L insisted there was no need. If he hurt anyone again, then L swore he would hunt him down, but there really wasn't much he could do if he wanted to stay unknown. Some of the kids said he died. That seemed more logical to me. Whatever. I think we're all aware of just how much stranger than fiction the truth can be. Do you think he's our man?"

Matt looked at Near, who was watching him with a great deal of consideration, and then at Mello, whose mouth hung open. It was Near who spoke first.

"The Ross from your story would be thirty now. He's too old," the pale boy said.

"What?!" Mello cried. "You find out someone tried to kill L while he was still at Wammy's and that's all you have to say about it?"

Near glanced at him in annoyance. "He didn't succeed."

"Who says he didn't lie about his age?" Matt said. "He could have and no one would have known. He may look young for his age. I don't remember. I mean, look at Near! He looks like he's twelve."

Near might have glared at him had he not long ago accepted the fact that he would always appear as a child, besides which the redhead made sense. "It is possible."

"Wait a minute," Mello interrupted miserably. "Now you guys think L's rival is after me?"

Matt and Near both ignored him. The redhead paused for a moment. "And what about that murder? He would have to be smart."

Near nodded. "True."

Mello looked back and forth from his best friend to his biggest rival, confusion written in his frightened eyes. He no longer looked even remotely smug – that had been an act, after all – and now the defiance was gone fear had begun to show. Fear of the past, fear of the future, fear of the unknown. Mostly, though, it was fear of the unknown. That, logically, included the future. After all, there was no way of knowing what would happen tomorrow. That scared him more than he cared to admit. What if the thin man found him? What if he was forced to go through that... that... _hell_ all over again? He would die this time. He wanted it to stop. All of it. He just wanted all of the uncertainty to be over so that he could feel safe. He wanted to feel safe like he had when Matt held him after he told him what had happened, when he knew _they_ couldn't get him and that everything was ok because Matt loved him anyway. He pulled his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, clutching at the fabric of Matt's sleeve. The gamer took note of Mello's distress, slipping an arm around his waist and whispering something about how they were safe here and that nothing could happen to him. Mello wasn't quite sure he believed him. Still, it was reassuring just to have him there.

"Near," Matt said calmly. "I think maybe we should go to bed. It's been a long day and it's late."

The tiny detective glanced over at the blonde cowering against the gamer's side and nodded. That was new. He didn't think Mello knew what fear was. Some childish and long repressed part of him wanted to laugh, but he squelched it immediately because, really, that was just cruel. He had always prided himself on not having to sink to Mello's level and he wasn't about to start now.

"Yes," he sighed with a reluctant glance at the monitors. "I think that might do us all good."


	28. Reflection

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 28. Thank you to everyone who assurred me that last chapter wasn't as horrendous as I thought it was. I'm not all that confident in my work, so I tend to be very critical of it. Thanks again! This chapter. So this is basically about just them as themselves and that didn't make sense, but that's ok. There's a little progess from Mello, a little reflection on Matt, and a little explination as to why Near is bitter. First section's right after last chapter (so maybe two-ish), second section's sometime between two and three, and the last section's at about three. That's about it. Sorry it took me so long to update. I'm working on another chapter now, too, that I think you guys will like. It won't come up for a while, but it's... I don't know. I'm tired. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Shiruwanasu, Crazy Little Feline, Micuko, Reese Craven, Lyn, -LavenderkisseS-, KitaraStrife, Angel of 513, Con Fuoco, Memory-of-Melody, and dookie for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Nope, not mine.

* * *

"Matt?" The question was quiet, coming from the darkness on the other side of the bed.

"Yeah Mel?" Matt could just make out the shooter's outline in the darkness. Mello, however, could see his gamer perfectly. "What's up?"

There was a slight creaking as Mello shifted and Matt felt a slight weight as the blonde rested his head on his chest. "I think I'm going to die."

Matt sighed, wrapping his arms around the small boy. "You're going to be fine, Mel. What would make you say that?"

"It just... it feels so hopeless." Mello was glad for the darkness. It kept Matt from seeing the pain in his expression. It wasn't what it had been – he didn't _want_ to die, not really – but it still hurt. More a dull ache than the shooting sharp ice dagger pain it had been before. He wasn't suicidal, just tired. He wasn't depressed, just hopeless. He had thought the nightmare was over months ago. When he was rescued, when Matt came to find him, when they moved in together. He had thought he would be able to leave it all behind. But he had been wrong. It had come looking for him.

"What do you mean?" The hacker's voice sounded anxious.

Mello shrugged. "I don't know. Like maybe I should just give up. I'm putting you and Near in danger too now. Maybe I should just let him find me. The worst he can do is take me back to that place."

The arms around him tightened. "Don't talk like that. There is no way you're going back there. And you're not giving yourself up. He might kill you."

"That wouldn't be so bad," Mello said quietly.

Matt's grip tightened once again. This time he sounded genuinely scared. "No. Mel, don't say things like that. I lost you once, I don't want to lose you again."

"I know," Mello mumbled, barely audible. "It just hurts. And I'm nervous. I mean, what if the thin man really does find me? And what would he do to you? I just wish it would all end."

"It'll be alright," Matt told him gently. "Just hold on."

* * *

Near sighed. It was frustrating to see Mello again, to see both of them really. Because they were together. It wasn't as though Near had ever belonged, but he hadn't _wanted_ to be alone either. He had just kind of ended up that way. Still, though, there had been something about Mello that evening that made him feel almost sorry for the malicious blonde. 

Emotions aside, there were more important issues to focus on. He should be sleeping, but for some reason he couldn't. Stress, he reasoned. After all, he had a killer on the loose who seemed to be an ex-Wammy's student and said killer was after his childhood friend and lifelong rival who was now living with him. That was enough to keep anyone from sleeping.

* * *

Mello got up quietly. Matt was still sleeping, which made sense considering it was three in the morning. He hadn't been able to sleep, the nightmares were back. Everything just felt so hopeless, he felt so numb... He pulled back his sleeves to trace the scars on the upper part of his left forearm. A quick glance at the redhead told him he wasn't aware the blonde wasn't sleeping. 

But really he knew he shouldn't. Not again. Matt. Matt would be so disappointed and it hurt so much to see the redhead like that that however much it helped, it wasn't worth it. And he had offered to listen. Mello wasn't sure if he could explain, but...

"Matt?" he called, nudging gently at the taller boy. Slowly he turned over to face him, not quite awake yet. "Can I talk to you?"

"Yeah," the gamer answered sleepily. Mello was quiet for a moment, absently tracing the marks along his arm. Matt's gaze caught on the gesture and he took the roaming hand in his own. "You didn't...?"

Mello shook his head.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" Matt prompted.

The older boy paused for a moment before donning a distant look and uttering a single word. "Why?"

"You seemed stressed," the gamer replied.

"No," Mello said, still staring at nothing. "I mean _why_? Just _why_?"

"Mel, that doesn't make sense," Matt said sleepily, rubbing his eyes as he sat up.

Finally the small blonde glanced over at him. "Think about it. Why? Why did all of this happen? Why is he after me? Why was it me in the first place? Why are we sitting here right now? Why are we together? What was it about you and about me? Why did we even meet in the first place? I mean, what are the odds? Why did we both end up at Wammy's? Why did we take so long to find each other again once we left? Why _did _we find each other again? What made us look for each other?

"Not just that. Why do the stars look so cold? Why are we so different? Why are the oceans deep? Why do redwoods live so long and butterflies die so quickly? Why does time pass the way it does? Why does God ignore us? _Why_? Just _why_?"

Matt fell silent for a while, quietly considering what Mello had asked. _Why?_ He had never thought about it before. Sure it had crossed his mind, but he had never really thought about it. After several minutes of contemplative silence he said simply, "Because where would we be if things were different?"

It was quiet, calm, reassuring, and it seemed to satisfy the blonde. With a soft sigh he rested his head on the gamer's shoulder and resumed staring at nothing. Maybe it really was that simple. And really, was there anywhere he'd rather be than right here next to Matt? The why didn't matter. Only the now. And the now was content and that was good enough.


	29. Like Us

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 29. This has practically become a book. The document this is in is currently 48 pages and I only have two blue sections each two paragraphs long. Blue sections are stuff I type, decided I don't like, and discard by changing the font colour to blue. The longer one's in the middle of chapter 27, cause I just had issues writing that. Anyway, this is kind of back on track. Near is adorable and even though there are times in here when I hate him, I wanted to show a little of what goes on in his mind. And Matt's just awesome. Oh, and for KitaraStrife, yes, Ross is an OC. He's not gonna show up in the series, so don't worry. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Shiruwanasu, Crazy Little Feline, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Reese Craven, Dawn-at-Midnight, SincerelyRainbow, and Rim Greaper for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I think we all get it by now.

* * *

"Motives." The sound of a notebook hitting the table signalled Near's arrival at breakfast.

"Good morning to you too," Matt smiled. Near was so work-oriented the gamer didn't understand how he hadn't died from stress by now.

Near ignored the hacker's remark and turned to Mello, who was quietly munching on what else but chocolate chip pancakes. Chocolate, and it wasn't even nine yet. Hal would be the source of that no doubt. Near was allergic to chocolate. Deciding that the blonde's poor diet was really none of his concern, the tiny boy continued. "I have a theory on why he acted the way he did when you were captive and why he's come after you now."

"And that would be?" Mello asked, glancing up from the sugar-infested mass on his plate. Near really didn't understand how he could eat that.

"You're a Wammy's kid," the pale detective said simply.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Matt said through a bite of his breakfast.

Near gave him a sharp look. "They have that in common. We all have that in common. How many people grew up in that place? And how many of us were candidates for the title of L? And Mello was so much like him –"

Matt choked. "Did you seriously just compare Mel to that psycho?"

"If you would allow me to finish," Near said in quiet annoyance. "Mello was very similar to him in that they both grew up in Wammy's, they were both very competitive, they were both second in line to become the new L, and they both have a criminal background – Mello's being his stint in the Mafia and Irvin's being the murder in the military camp, the drug ring, and Mello's captivity. The group Irvin was in was one step down from the Mafia, so even that is similar. They even both take an interest in guns. He is a trained sniper and Mello's skills with a gun rival those of the world's best snipers."

The gamer still didn't get the connection. "So..."

"They are remarkably similar. That is why he took pity on Mello when Mello was his prisoner," Near said. "And that is why he wants to kill him now. He knows that Mello is smart enough to figure out who he is and to him that seems like a risk he can't take. That seems a terrible risk to any of us. Now do you understand?"

Matt nodded. "But how would he know that Mello was a Wammy's kid? Or one of L's successors?"

"Well," Near began thoughtfully. "We know he is highly intelligent. This is no ordinary criminal, so we cannot underestimate him. Plus he was L's rival. An attempt he made on L's life all but ruined his own, so we can assume he would have kept a close watch on L and that would include knowing who his successors were. That means we can assume he would be able to identify all three of us."

There was a pause in which they all considered the weight of what Near had just said. There was a chance that the man would know who they were. Perhaps not their real names or their former identities, but their Wammy's names and records at the very least. And that was enough to be intimidating.

It was Near who finally broke the silence. "But that doesn't bring us any closer to catching him. If you need me, Giovanni will know where to find me."

Picking up his notebook in a manner that vaguely reminded Matt and Mello of their fallen idol, he wandered from the room.

* * *

"Near?" Matt called softly from the doorway. He was certain that the tiny boy knew he was there, but he still announced his presence. He was too used to living with an overly paranoid Mello. 

"You came alone," the boy replied from his place in the centre of the floor. How small and sickly he appeared, huddled like that in the darkness and the glow of the towering wall of monitors that loomed over him. So tiny, so cold, so lonely. _Lost_, Matt's mind supplied, _he seems lost_.

Slowly the redhead made his way over to crouch next to the boy careful not to knock anything over. "Yeah. I just wanted to talk."

"Have you found anything out?" the pale detective inquired.

"No," Matt replied. "Just stop for a minute. I know this isn't the only case you're working on and I know you're going to tell me that time is of the utmost importance, but just let it wait for a couple minutes." He watched Near's curious expression. "I just wanted to talk. Like friends. You seemed a little off at breakfast. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," the boy replied flatly.

Matt gave him a stern look. "That may work on your staff here, but I know you better than that. What's wrong?"

Near was quiet for a moment. What was wrong? "Just lonely I suppose. Having you and Mello here reminds me that I don't have anyone who really knows me at all. I know that sounds stupid."

"It doesn't sound stupid, Near," Matt assured him. He rested a hand on the pale boy's shoulder. "It's completely understandable."

"I miss Wammy's," Near said quietly. "Back when there were others like us. Where we weren't so strange. I had you and, even though he hated me, I had Mello. I miss that. Rester, Lidner, and Giovanni just aren't the same. They don't understand me like you and the rest of Wammy's house did. It just gets lonely sometimes.

"Sometimes I wonder if this is how he felt. Having the world at your command doesn't matter if you're miserable. Everyone respects you, but nobody understands. They talk to you as though you aren't human. I think if they ever saw me they would be greatly disappointed. Tiny, pale, weak. I don't exactly look the part of the god they seem to expect me to be."

Matt regarded him carefully for a moment before speaking. "You know what the biggest difference between you and L is?" Near just stared at him. "L really didn't have anyone. His second tried to kill him and there was no third. You, you have us. Mello and I. We may not always be _here_, but you know that if you need us you can contact us at any time. Remember that."

"Thank you, Matt," Near said.

"No problem," Matt smiled. He paused in the doorway to glance back at the tiny figure still crouched in the middle of the floor. As much as they had all changed, the biggest Matt could see in them was that they all needed each other more than ever.


	30. Bonding and Broken Noses

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 30. How did this get so long? I like this chapter. It was fun to write. Poor Near and his conflicts. Maturity is overrated! On with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, Reese Craven, and XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Death Note.

* * *

Mello was down stairs in the shooting range with Hal. At least, he was supposed to be with Hal. That's what he had told Matt. Not that it really mattered. It wasn't like he was going to end up hurting himself, which is probably what Matt had been afraid of. Having a gun in his hand made him feel wonderful. Here, no one could touch him. He was in control and he dared anyone to challenge him when he had his weapon. He was a trained killer, after all. You don't get sympathy from people like that. Firing off another round he revelled in the feeling of the kickback. Raw power. Unbeknownst to him, a wicked grin had wormed its way across his features. Yes, he loved the feel of a gun in his hand. It was the door opening that startled him out of his reverie and he whirled around to point his weapon at whoever had just come in.

Matt held up his hands and shouted his name in a show of submission. He hadn't expected Mello to threaten to shoot him. It took the blonde a few seconds to realize there was no threat and he lowered the gun.

"Sorry Matt," he said sheepishly.

"Remind me not to come down here when you're practicing," the gamer muttered. He made a quick sweep of the room to make sure he wouldn't be shot by Hal and noticed she was missing. "Where's Hal?"

"Umm..."

"That's why you were so jumpy," Matt said. Mello was always jumpy when he was alone. There was another station set up, but it hadn't been touched. "Mind if I join you?"

Mello smirked. Actually smirked. Just the way he used to. "Not at all. That is, if you think you can keep up."

"You're on," Matt grinned. This would be better than a first person shooter.

"Alright," Mello said, pulling his goggles back down. "Five rounds. Go for a kill shot. The dummies move. Best out of five or fastest."

"Got it," Matt replied.

Mello counted down from five and hit the button to set the targets moving. Before Matt could blink Mello had fired off all five rounds directly into the dummy's heart. It didn't take Matt too much longer, only a couple of seconds, but one of his shots had merely grazed the target's shoulder. The blonde set his gun down and glanced over to see how the hacker had done.

"I win," the shooter declared triumphantly.

Matt glared at him. "Not fair. You've had way more practice."

Mello just smirked. "And exactly when was the last time I went to a shooting range? Quit whining and just admit you lost."

Suddenly a feral grin replaced Matt's pout and he tackled Mello to the ground. The thrill of the fight didn't last long though, as Mello jabbed him in the nose with the heel of his palm and scurried back while he was distracted.

"Ow! Mello, what the hell!" Matt shouted bringing a hand up to protect his bleeding and probably broken nose. When he finally did look up he noticed that Mello was backed up against the wall, seemingly trying to figure out how to get to the door without having to go near Matt. "Mel?"

Cautiously the gamer made his way to where the blonde stood. Mello yelped, shouted "I'm sorry!" and threw his arms up to shield his face and Matt understood. He had forgotten that he couldn't play rough. Before that would never have been a problem – Mello had always loved a good fight – but this was different. He had scared him. That explained the blow to his face. Gently he pulled the blonde's arms down from in front of his face.

"Sorry, Mel. I kind of got wrapped up in the competition," Matt explained. "You alright?"

The fear had already begun to fade from his icy blue eyes as he nodded. "Yeah. Are you? I think I might have broken your nose."

"Yeah," Matt agreed, swatting Mello's hand away from his face. "I think you might have. I'll live, I've had worse."

"Sorry," Mello said softly. "I shouldn't have hit you."

"You didn't think about it," Matt shrugged, wincing as he touched the bridge of his nose. "Same as me. I didn't think. But I think maybe that's enough target practice for today."

"Yeah," Mello agreed. He gestured to Matt's nose, which was already turning all sorts of shades of black, blue, and purple. "Let's go find Hal. She can probably give you something for that."

* * *

Near couldn't help but grin as he watched the two on the security monitor. Mello was just as competitive as always and as always Matt let himself get carried away. He would have to comment on the bruise at dinner. It was sure to be lovely by then. Perhaps that was why he had never been as close to them as they were to each other. Back at Wammy's their play-fighting had resulted in an injury to one or the other more times than Near could remember. It was their form of bonding. The tiny boy still didn't understand how beating each other to a pulp constituted bonding, probably because if he had attempted to join in he would have landed himself in the infirmary for at least a week, but that was just how they were. 

They had never really grown up. None of them had. Then again, they were still young. Matt and Mello were eighteen and nineteen respectively and Near himself was only seventeen. They were practically children, so it wasn't really surprising that they sometimes acted as such. Genius doesn't mean necessarily mean maturity. He smiled at that thought. Mello didn't seem too happy about play-fighting like they used to, so maybe Near could risk starting something and not end up getting hurt. After all, he wouldn't dare tackle Mello like Matt had. Maybe just pull some sort of prank on them.

Quietly he frowned to himself. He couldn't believe he was even considering that. What had gotten into him? He had too much work to do to be planning pranks. He sighed softly as he thought about it. Maybe Mello was right. He was too cold. He had never really taken the time to be a kid. For all the toys and puzzles and elaborate dice castles he had never really taken the time to be the child he was.

He noted that Matt and Mello were coming back up to the first floor. Maybe he would allow himself a short break to go meet them. He'd have to talk to Matt later. Matt always seemed to know the kind of things that hovered just out of Near's reach. For now, though, he couldn't pass up the opportunity to tease the hacker about his pretty, multi-coloured nose.


	31. Rain Storm

**A/N: **Hola. Chapter 31. This really has become a book. Anywho, this is the longest chapter by far. It just wouldn't end. It's more like when I first started writing fanfics. If you look at Wishing, the chapters there are a lot longer than the chapters here. I think Truth is the same way, if I'm not mistaken, which is quite possible. I haven't forgotten about that one, by the way. Or GLS. I'm just stuck on both of them. I like this chapter, though. A little more about Near. Next chapter will focus on Mello, but since Near just came into the story, he needs to play catch-up on character developement. **Also**, Matt has two paragraphs that don't make sense. If you look back at Mello's questions in chapter 28, these are Matt's answers. That's about it. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, leonsgirl47625, Angel of 513, Reese Craven, Micuko, and Shiruwanasu for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Death Note.

* * *

Matt sighed as he glanced over the edge of the roof. It was getting cold and to make things even better, it had decided to rain. He had come out to have a cigarette; he didn't smoke inside since the smoke bothered Near. Good luck getting anything lit in this weather, though. 

But really he didn't mind the rain. It was just a little too cold, but even that wasn't so bad. It felt good on his still-swollen nose. The sound of the rain was calming, and the way it seemed to wash all of his cares away. He didn't even mind that he was completely soaked and would probably wake up tomorrow with a cold. The rain helped him think more clearly, and god knew he needed some clarity.

_Why?_ Mello's question from several days prior still echoed in his mind. He had to admit it was a good question. _Why?_

_Because you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.__Because you weren't supposed to get out.__Because there are people who care about you.__Because I love you.__ I was careless and you were rash and something about us just clicked. __Because we bo__th have terrible __luck.__ The odds are about a billion to one, but it happened. __Because we were both too smart for our own good.__ Because you were stubborn and I felt unwanted. Because you needed me and I needed you, we just didn't realize it yet. You said it was because you needed a hacker and I was the best there was; I said I missed my old friend. _

_The stars are cold because they're so utterly alone. We are so different because the world rejects people like us__; they just don't understand__. Because the oceans are older than time; they've had plenty long enough to wear away the earth. __Because wisdom grows, but beauty is fleeting.__ Because time is ignorant of human events; in time's eyes all things are insignificant. Because God has realized that mankind is determined to damn itself and he has washed his hands of us. _

Matt sighed. Mello had been content with a simple "Because where would we be if things had been different?" Matt, however, had stayed up into the early hours of the morning for the past few days just thinking.

_If things were different...__ We would either be dead, miserable, or we would never have met. Damnit Mello, why do you always have to ask impossible questions? And of course I looked for you. From the moment I first met you, I couldn't live without you. You gave me back the hope I didn't realize I had lost. I don't know why things had to be the way they were, but when I look back on them, I can't imagine it being any other way._

The rain was getting worse, but Matt didn't care. This was just what he needed. Actually, he was considering just spending the night out here, since it was nearly sundown anyway. The wind was howling and the raindrops on his orange goggles made it nearly impossible to see. Blind and deaf. The storm was isolating that way and he loved it. The only thing missing was lightning. He loved thunderstorms because they were powerful and beautiful. They made everything else seem insignificant. Powerful and beautiful, just like Mello.

That was one of the things he loved about the blonde. He was the perfect storm. Strong but gentle, deadly but not cruel, conflicted and clarifying, beautiful and terrifying. He was a living, breathing contradiction and really Matt wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Whereas Matt saw himself as monotone and something of a pushover, Mello was just... perfect.

The rain had begun to seep through the seal of his goggles and into his eyes, his vest weighed about double what it should, his shirt clung to him, and his hair was plastered to his head giving him the appearance of a wet dog. He decided that yes, he would just stay out here. That is, until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

He hadn't heard the door open over the howling of the wind, so he jumped at the contact. Looking up he saw Near standing over him, the pyjamas he seemed never to change out of clinging to his pitifully thin frame. He tried in vain to push his white hair out of his dark eyes, but it just washed right back to where it was and he gave up on it. Matt just stared at him for a moment as though trying to convince himself that Near was actually there. The tiny boy never went outside unless it was absolutely necessary. Something about the look in his eyes told Matt that this counted as absolutely necessary.

"Near?" Matt asked, as though still confirming he was there. "How long have you been out here?"

"I'm not sure," the pale boy said almost too quietly to be heard over the storm. His teeth were chattering as he spoke and Matt noted that he had been trying to hide the fact that he was shivering.

"You'll get sick if you stay out here in this," Matt replied worriedly. "Come on."

Near accepted the hand that was extended to him and he allowed Matt to lead him back inside. As soon as they stepped through the door, however, Near stopped him.

"Can I talk to you?" the tiny detective asked timidly. It almost seemed as though he expected to be scolded just for asking.

The gamer smiled sadly at him. He had never seen that fear in the pale boy. Not since his early days at Wammy's anyway. "Of course. What did you want to talk about?"

"There were a few things," Near replied.

The younger boy shivered visibly and Matt remembered his frail health. He had always gotten sick so easily. When they were kids Near hadn't gotten out much. He had been sick every other week. And he had never really been allowed to be around the others all that much. He got sick too easily and he was too easily injured. Matt, though, had always made time to visit him. Near was one of the most fascinating people in the orphanage, it was just that most people didn't notice. "Maybe you should dry off first. You'll get sick."

Near nodded. He knew Matt was right. He would almost certainly catch cold as it was. "What about you?"

"I'm alright," Matt assured him.

Again Near nodded. Silently he gestured for Matt to follow him. They didn't speak as he led the gamer through hallway after hallway until finally they stopped in front of a nondescript door. This Near opened with a key he had fished out of his pocket sometime earlier. He pushed the door open to reveal a room just as sterile white as he was. What Matt didn't know was that he was now the only person besides Near himself to know where the young detective's room was. Even Lidner, Rester, and Giovanni didn't know that. It was a show of how much he trusted the redhead.

He gestured for Matt to sit on the bed – there wasn't a chair in the room – as he pulled another outfit identical to the one he was wearing out of a dresser drawer. Silently Matt wondered just how much time Near had spent in hospitals before he ended up at Wammy's. From the room and the way he dressed, it would seem quite a bit. Then again, he was allergic to everything, he was always sick, and he got hurt easily. And yet, Matt had never once heard him utter a single complaint about any of it. The hacker really did pity him.

The door to the adjoined bathroom closed with a quiet click and Matt took advantage of Near's absence to take in more of the details of the room. That was another thing about Near. He had always been self-conscious, unlike Mello who, before the incident, had had no problem with just stripping and not caring who was in the room. It was no wonder they were always at odds. Mello was loud, Near was quiet; Mello was brash, Near was timid; Mello was blatantly commanding, Near was more subtle; Mello did everything on the spur of the moment, Near planned things out weeks, months, even years in advance. They were as different as night and day.

There were quite a few little things about the room that Matt had missed upon first glance. The floor was checkered white and a light grey. The bed was unusually low. The dresser had no mirror. In fact, there wasn't a mirror anywhere in the room. There were no windows, either. Actually, there wasn't much of _anything_ in the room. There was, though, a small door in one wall, the same colour and texture as the wall itself. Even Near would have to duck to get through it and Matt guessed that was the point. He didn't get much further in his inspection, though, because Near chose that moment to re-enter. He looked much warmer and he was still rubbing at his unruly hair with a stark white towel. He held another in his hand and this one he handed to Matt.

"It seems odd, I know," he said, catching Matt's guilty expression. "But it suits me."

"What did you want to talk about?" Matt asked as Near settled next to him.

"Mello, among other things, but he makes a good starting point." The pale boy was fidgeting. He never did that. "How has he been since he was released from the hospital?"

Matt sighed. "He's been alright I suppose. As well as can be expected. He's improved drastically over the last month or so. When he first came home... it was bad."

Near took in the older boy's tired expression. "How bad?"

Matt just stared at the towel clasped in his gloved hands as he spoke. "He had nightmares and when I woke him up he wouldn't recognize me. He wouldn't go outside. He didn't want the blinds open. He stopped eating. He stopped signing – at that point he was still mute. He would just sit there and stare at the walls. He hurt himself. He was afraid of everything. At one point he decided he couldn't take it anymore and tried to end it..."

Near was shocked, and that was saying something. Mello couldn't be so broken. He just... couldn't. It went against everything Near knew of the boy. The sky was blue, the snow was cold, the sun was bright, and Mello was strong. It was a simple, unchangeable fact. He could have kicked himself for having wanted to laugh at the blonde. "What he went through, I think it was worse than I had imagined."

"It was after the second attempt on his life that he started showing improvement, though," Matt continued. "He started talking again. And it took awhile, but eventually he told me about what those _monsters_ did to him." The word was spat, as though it was poison. Just the sheer fury in Matt's expression was enough to set Near on edge. He would have expected blind rage from Mello, but Matt was usually so calm. "There are two scars in particular that he mentioned. They run almost parallel to each other straight down his back. Just from looking at them I would guess the cuts were deep enough to go to the bone. Apparently the man who did that to him said it made him look like an angel with severed wings. They start at the tops of his shoulder blades and stop just above the small of his back.

"I know when you read me the description of 'Arseniy' you mentioned the tattoo. Do you know what it meant?"

Near shook his head. He had chastised Mello for getting a tattoo. He had never stopped to consider the fact that it might have a meaning to it.

Matt smiled. "There's a lot of symbolism around the tiger. It's a warrior symbol. It's a symbol of strength, power, and courage. Traits Mello was so proud of. He made note of the irony when he talked about the 'angel wings.' Severed wings, and the left cut went through the tiger tattoo. They took what innocence he had, they took his pride, they took his courage, they took his strength. They broke him. Completely broke him."

Matt sounded bitter and Near really couldn't blame him. After all, this was the boy he loved. Near really didn't have anyone he felt for the way Matt felt for Mello. The closest person would be Matt himself. The small boy couldn't imagine how he would feel if this had happened to Matt and he had had to deal with the aftermath. He didn't think he would have been able to. There was a moment of silence before Matt spoke again.

"You said there were several things?" the hacker inquired.

Near nodded; he had nearly forgotten. "I just didn't understand this." He pointed to the gamer's black and purple nose. "I was watching you two on the security monitor. I guess it's something I've never understood. How does that constitute fun? One of you always seems to end up hurt."

This time Matt gloomy expression disappeared and he laughed outright. "You know, you're right. That's probably why we were always so beat up at Wammy's. I don't think I can remember a time since Mel got there that either of us was bruise-free. I don't know though. That saying, boys will be boys? I think there's some truth in it." Near watched as a mischievous grin spread over Matt's face. "You know what? I think we should pay Mello back for my nose."

_Oh god, here we go._ Near didn't know whether glee or anxiety better described what that suggestion drudged up. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Don't worry," Matt said, waving his hands absently in a dismissal of Near's protest. "If he does get mad, which he won't, he'll take it out on me. And I don't care if he decides to do that, because I know how to deal with him. There's no risk to you. What do you say?"

That childishness Near had been fighting was back and it wouldn't allow him to say no. Just this once, then. "Fine."

Matt's grin widened and Near found himself wondering exactly what he was getting into.


	32. Knives

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 32. I know this is getting rediculous, but if you want a short story don't ask a novelist. The shortest story I ever wrote was nineteen pages typed, but primarily I write novels. I'm used to having a lot more space to play with. Anyway, this chapter is kinda angsty, but Matt and Near will get around to messing with Mello later (it's all fun ands games until someone loses an eye!). But I thought Near needed to know what was going on. I kinda want to smack Mello, though. That's about it. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Reese Craven, Yagami Night, blindyourears, Angel of 513, Rim Greaper, Con Fuoco, -LavenderkisseS-, Dawn-at-Midnight, Micuko, and Shiruwanasu for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Nothing's changed.

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Once more the knife spun in the air and this time when it sliced Mello's hand on the way down he just let it drop. He was out of practice. There was a time when he could have kept four of them going. Throwing knives, one of those weapons no one realized he knew how to use. That was mainly because he had never had occasion to use that particular skill. He had picked it up because he found it interesting. They were perfectly balanced, they had to be or they would fail as a weapon. A perfect balance. He had worked to achieve it ever since he got to Wammy's, but he had never quite gotten it. At the orphanage Near was his obstacle. Near drove him to pure, unadulterated rage. It was a beautiful thing, rage, but it was far from a balance. But Matt had shifted the balance, so to speak. For as much as Mello hated Near, he loved Matt just as much. More, actually. That was almost a balance, love and hate. Almost. His captivity, as horrible as it had been, had also brought him closer. Before he had been strong, apathetic, and usually cruel. Now he knew what it was to be broken and he knew the importance of gentleness and care. Now if he could just master his emotions, he would have it. A perfect balance just like the knives. 

With a sigh he picked up the fallen knife, focused on a spot on the wall he had marked, and let it fly. There was a dull thud and Mello smirked. He had hit his target dead on. Maybe he should quit though. He was leaving holes in the wall. He was down in the shooting range, so really it didn't matter, but still. He had a better idea, though, and he turned his sights on the dummy. He closed his eyes and images flashed through his mind, mostly of the men who had made his life hell for nearly a year. This time, though, instead of being frightened he let his anger overwhelm him to the point where he could almost feel it dripping from the tip of the knife in his hand. His eyes snapped open and he let the knife fly. Straight through the heart. Kill shot. He smiled coldly to himself. If the thin man wanted to come after him, let him. This time he would be ready.

Near had a few leads on where the man might be, but it seemed like anytime they got a solid lead he vanished again. All those years on the run seemed to have taught him something. Mello wasn't surprised. His years in the Mafia had taught him a thing or two about the fine art of disappearing. That was mostly what Mello had been able to contribute. Knowledge gained by living outside the law. He had spent a good part of his life after Wammy's as a criminal. He had never been caught for anything, although he had a feeling Near may have had something to do with that.

He had spent most of his time since he arrived either practicing with his weaponry or digging through Near's case files and leaving him cryptic hints. It wasn't that Near was a bad detective, far from it, he was just naive. There was no teacher like reality and Near simply didn't understand the criminal mind like Mello did. That was Mello's contribution. He knew the ins and outs of criminal life. Matt had his hacking skills, Near had very nearly every police force in the world, and Mello had experience. That and their combined intelligence had solved several difficult cases just in the past few days.

Mello hopped the barrier with no difficulty and made his way down to the dummy to retrieve his knife. That was why he hadn't been throwing at in the first place; bullets could be discarded, but knives you had to retrieve. Carefully he worked the knife free – he had enough cuts on his hands as it was, he didn't need any more for Matt to ask about.

Sometimes he wondered why Matt cared so much. Why would anyone care about him? He was nothing. Number two in everything to the world's biggest freak. So why did Matt care? Sure, Matt was always third, but that was really only because he never put forth any effort. He simply hadn't cared about grades and rankings and competition. And then there was Mello, who put everything he had into it and still came up short. And to make things worse, Near didn't try any more than Matt did. So, Mello wondered, what did that say about him? Always second and a loose cannon if he had ever seen one. He didn't understand how Matt had tolerated having him around before the incident. And now things were worse. Before he had been violent, short-tempered, and bossy. Now he was like a slightly less helpless version of Near. It disgusted him.

He didn't realize that he had been staring blankly at the wall for the past ten minutes and he barely felt the knife tip as it dug into his hand. Matt and Near noticed it, though. They had gone down to Near's control room and brought up the security monitors to find him. Matt had changed and they had already planned out what they would do to Mello. That just left finding him. The building was fairly big, though, so Near had suggested just looking for him on the security monitors.

"What's he doing?" Near asked as they saw Mello lift the knife. He looked like he was in a trance.

"Not again," Matt groaned. He didn't answer Near, just headed for the stairs down to the range.

Mello wanted the pain, didn't care what Matt would say because the pain helped him focus. Besides, there were enough cuts on his hands from practice that it wouldn't look suspicious. With an air of contemplative silence he watched the knife point break the skin and the bright red blood begin to pool around it. It stung sharply, but that was the point. It gave him something to focus on. It helped to bring him back to reality. He was so focused on the knife and his thoughts that he didn't hear the door open, didn't know anyone else was in the room until a black gloved hand closed over his own. Matt. Mello froze.

Matt felt the blonde go ridged and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulling the smaller boy back against him. Gently he pulled up on the hand he held, prying Mello's fingers loose so that the knife clattered to the floor.

"What are you doing?" the hacker asked quietly. He didn't sound angry or even disappointed, just tired.

"I'm not sure," Mello whispered. "Trying to think. Trying to make sense of it."

Matt released Mello's hand now that the weapon was gone from it, and wrapped his other arm over the one around the older boy's waist. "Trying to make sense of what?"

Mello hung his head a bit, his shoulders tightening a bit more. The gamer almost couldn't hear him as he breathed "Why do you love me?"

That wasn't at all what Matt had been expecting and he was taken aback by it. He had expected something about the incident or about Irvin or even something about Wammy's and Mello's life before. Not that, though. Any other question he could have answered, but this, he didn't know what to say.

"It's alright," Mello murmured. He was attempting to get loose from Matt's grip, but he didn't seem to care enough to put forth the effort required. Still, the hacker's grip tightened.

"Mel..." What was he supposed to say?

"You don't have to lie anymore, Matt," the blonde said softly. There was a pause and then "Let go. I need to go do something about my hands. I cut them up practicing."

Not knowing what else to do, Matt obeyed. In silence he watched Mello gather his knives, wipe them clean, and put them back in their case before leaving. The blonde didn't even acknowledge the tiny boy standing just inside the door.

"Matt," Near said once Mello was out of earshot. "Shouldn't you go get him?"

Matt shook his head. "No. Let him be. Besides, he'll just go up to the room. We can watch him from the control room."

Near nodded. There was a weariness about the usually cheerful redhead. "How often does he do things like that?"

"Not as often as he used to. Only when there's something really bothering him," Matt answered quietly.

Near looked up at him, dark eyes soft. "You really do love him, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," Matt sighed. "I just wish he'd stop being stubborn long enough to realize that."


	33. Anger Management

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 33. Matt's annoying and Near actually has emotions. Omg. I'm not sure what happened here. This is probably the result of working on an honors paper and watching Bones and The Big Bang Theory while I was writing this. Hooray for chaos. Somehow, I didn't see these three cohabitating well. And they each make the other seem stupid. I think I made Matt seem especially dumb though. He will be redeemed, don't worry. On with the chaos.

Thank you to XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Reese Craven, and KitaraStrife for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** ...

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"Do you see what I mean, though?" Matt said. He sounded frustrated, but Near couldn't blame him, seeing as Mello had slammed the door in his face when Matt tried to talk to him. All things considered, he was actually doing very well with keeping his emotions in check. "God, why does he do this to me?"

"So we know Irvin is staying somewhere in Manhattan," Near said calmly to the gamer pacing behind him. Matt, however, wasn't listening.

"And he won't even talk to me! What did I do?" the hacker raged.

Near sighed. Just because Matt was justified didn't mean he wasn't getting on the young detective's nerves. This was how they had spent the last three highly unproductive hours. "He isn't being rational. It's an effect of the trauma. He thinks there's no way you could love him because of the things he was forced to do. Come look at this map."

Matt wandered over to stand behind the pale boy where he was crouched on the floor. "I suppose you're right, but how many times do I have to show him that's not true before he believes me? What am I looking at?"

"These are the places we can rule out. He would be too conspicuous," Near said, pointing out several areas highlighted in blue. "And I can't tell you how long it will take. Psychology is a tricky thing, especially when there's severe trauma involved. Recovery time varies from one individual to another. Some don't recover."

"So you're telling me that this may never get any better?" Matt exclaimed.

Dark eyes narrowed as the irritated prodigy glared up at his companion. "That is precisely what I am telling you. Now please lower your voice. I do not wish to add deafness to my ever growing list of physical deficiencies."

Matt was silent. He didn't know what to be more shocked about, the fact that Near had just snapped at him or the fact that Near had commented on his abnormalities. Not only commented on them, but cast them in a distinctly negative light. Something was wrong here.

"I'm sorry about that," Matt said quietly. "Near, are you alright?"

The tiny boy broke eye contact, choosing instead to look down at the finger puppets gathered at his feet. Matt's, Mello's, and his own. He took a moment, seemingly to collect himself, before glancing back up at Matt. "I am perfectly fine. Can we please focus on the case now?"

"You don't seem perfectly fine to me," Matt said. "What's wrong?"

"If you wish to discuss your assumption, then help me finish this," Near replied, still sounding annoyed. "If you insist on _talking_ about it, then I insist that it can wait until we have finished this."

"Alright," Matt said. He didn't want to push Near at the moment. A pissed off Near actually sounded more frightening than a pissed off Mello. Mello had at least let out his anger occasionally, mostly in the form of shooting something, but it was better than nothing. Near on the other hand had been repressing all semblance of emotion for as long as Matt had known him, and that was most of his life. There was nothing like a couple decades of repressed rage to bring out the killer in even the most even tempered of people. And Matt didn't plan on dying today, not by Near's hand or anyone else's.

"Here, here, here, and here are what seem to be the most likely places," Near said. It seemed that Matt submission had satisfied him for the moment at least. "The areas in yellow are places where people have seen him. The ones in red, though, those are the ones I'm most interested in. I have some information from the police on what goes on there, but it was distinctly unhelpful."

"That would be called gang territory," Matt said, rolling his eyes.

Near turned to face him. "Like the Mafia, correct?"

"I thought you knew all this stuff," Matt said. "What did they teach you?"

"You worked for the Mafia, did you not?" Near said.

Matt immediately became defensive. "Yeah? What of it?"

It was Near's turn to roll his eyes. "You would know things the police left out of their reports. Things specific to this area."

"That's more Mello's territory," Matt said.

"Great," Near said, nonplussed. "Go get Mello then."

"Yeah, good luck. He won't even look at me," the gamer said sarcastically.

"This is getting us nowhere," the detective said. "All we're doing is bickering. Look, I want to know what goes on here. Specifics. I know what a gang generally does, don't insult me, but I don't know specifically what these gangs do. And you were Mafia. They generally had to go through you guys for a lot of things, right? So you should know _something_."

"_I_ was a techie. They didn't tell me shit," Matt said. "_I_ was Mello's. I answered directly to Mello, I got assignments through Mello, most of my dealings with the rest of the mob were through Mello. You need Mello. He kept me out of it so that I wasn't at risk. Not as much, anyway. I belonged to the boss. You need the boss. The boss would be Mello. Go ask Mello."

"You know he won't talk to me," Near said flatly.

Matt just laughed. "What a coincidence. He won't talk to me either. Now as far as I go, I can get the Mafia to kill Irvin for you, but that's about it. They've been looking for blood in this whole mess. Mello was their boss, after all. Anyway, that's all I can do. What I cannot do is get Mello to talk if he doesn't want to. You manage that and the world just might end. Stubborn bastard."

"Are you quite finished," Near asked in a clipped tone.

Matt just glared at him. "No, because I haven't gotten an answer yet. What the hell's got you so agitated?"

"I refuse to discuss this here," the small boy said defiantly.

"Ok," the hacker replied, taking hold of his arm and hauling him to his feet. "Then take me somewhere where you will discuss it."

"Very well," Near snapped curtly, tugging his arm out of Matt's grasp and heading for the door. Both of them were suddenly very glad that they were no longer all living together as a permanent arrangement. If they had to tolerate each other this much all the time, at least one of the three would probably end up dead.


	34. Hour Glass

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 34. Ok, so this took forever to write. I wasn't planning to put this in here, it was supposed to go straight to what will now be chapter 35, but people wanted to know what was wrong with Near. What can I say, we all have our faults. I think this is interesting because actually in this Near is a year younger than I am right now. I think he brings up a good point. They're only kids. They may be brilliant, but they're still only kids. Anyway, I should have the next section up soon. GLS still isn't done and it's at a tense part, I think people think I abandoned Faded, Truth has just sat forever, I still have another story I have yet to post any of, and I started translating Wishing for the Sunset into Spanish. Please don't leave me comments in Spanish unless that's actually the language you speak. Anyway, because of that updates may be slower than usual. I've also been having trouble funtioning because I can't sleep. I'm out of it to the point where I managed to cut myself on a bottle of nail polish about half an hour ago. Inability to sleep equals inability to write. Just so you know and people don't get aggrivated with me. Anyway, on with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, Shiruwanasu, Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, KitaraStrife, and -LavenderkisseS- for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Death Note the series porbably would have had about twice as many books.

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"It's nothing," Near repeated. "Matt, I swear."

"It isn't nothing," Matt argued. "You snapped at me and you commented on your injuries. That's not like you."

"So I get fed up with it," Near said, glaring. "That's perfectly normal."

"Not for you it's not," Matt contradicted.

"So I'm less than human now?" the pale boy seethed.

"Near, that isn't what I said –"

"It was implied," the small boy snapped.

"Now you're just being stupid," Matt growled. "Just shut up for a minute, would ya. Listen, all I meant was that I've never heard you comment on any ailment before. I thought you had rationalized them, like you did with what happened to your family."

Near looked at the ground and said in a quiet voice, "Matt, I never rationalized my family. I never even came to terms with what happened to my family. Or to me."

Matt just stared at him. That changed everything. "You didn't?"

"No," Near replied. "I just acted like I had. If I crushed my emotions no one could ever hurt me like that again. If I didn't let myself get attached to people, no one could take them from me. It was a child's logic, but I never got past it. I kind of failed though."

"How so?" Matt asked.

"You. And L. And Mello. I allowed myself to care," the younger boy explained quietly.

For a moment Matt just watched him. How small he looked there, curled up like he was. Vulnerable. He looked as though he was waiting for someone to hit him, and some small part of his subconscious probably was. It was almost too small to notice, but Matt had spent more time around him than most; he was in pain. Not only emotional pain – that was to be expected at the moment – but his right leg was hurting him. Matt could tell by the way he held himself; it looked like it had been getting worse since they had moved in. He may have had the mind of someone twice, even three times his age, but some part of him was still a child. That was true of all of them and that was why they relied on each other. Each knew the others understood.

"That's a good thing, though," Matt said.

Near's snowy curls swayed as he shook his head. "No. L's gone and Mello hates me."

"Mello doesn't hate you as much as you think," Matt assured him. "And you still have me."

"Yes," the pale detective nodded. "And for that I am grateful."

"So tell me," Matt began. "What's wrong? I can tell you're in pain, so don't bother lying."

Near winced. "Is it that obvious?"

"Only to me," Matt said. "I know you better than anyone else here, remember?"

"True," the pale boy said thoughtfully. "It's not really any one thing. It's more just the weight of it all. I suppose there was a trigger though. I've been told that by the time I'm twenty five I won't be able to walk. Not that that really matters – it'll be a miracle if I even live to be twenty five."

"Don't say that," Matt said. "That sucks about not being able to walk, but you'll be ok. You've been alright up to this point."

"I've ignored it all up to this point," Near said bitterly. "I ignored it all my life. I told myself it didn't matter. After all, mind over matter. My mind made up for my body. And then you and Mello left the orphanage and I locked myself away, determined to overcome everything by studying and learning as much as I could. And that worked... Until you and Mello showed up on my doorstep. To watch you two, to see the way you fight with each other and the way you tease each other and you sitting out on the roof in the rain not worrying about if you got sick. It gave me a chance to see for the first time in years what I had been missing.

"Eight years from now I won't be able to walk. And that's a hopeful estimate. Realistically it'll be more like three or four. In eight years I'll be dead. I'm not being morbid, I'm not even being pessimistic, I'm simply being realistic. I'm only seventeen, Matt! Just barely seventeen. We shouldn't even be having this conversation. We should be laughing and joking and giving each other black eyes like you and Mello. Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up every morning knowing that you have less than a decade left? Maybe if we were older, fifty or so, that wouldn't be so bad. But not now. Not so young. And we are young.

"It's funny when you stop to think about it. I have the justice system of the entire world at my command and in most countries I'm still considered a child. Have you ever thought about that? If people knew who we were they would probably dismiss us as naive children, but as long as we hide behind a veil of secrecy they practically worship us. It's funny. Pathetic, but funny. L was the same way. When the Japanese team in charge of the Kira investigation first met him they refused to believe that he was who he said he was. And he was twenty three. What would they think of us? I can't even vote in this country, but their government looks to me to solve the cases they can't.

"I suppose, then, that I should be able to rationalize my own mortality. I can't do that. I'm only human, after all. When it comes right down to it, that's all any of us are: only human and only children."

Matt considered him silently for a moment and then did something he had never done before, something no one had done before, that surprised them both. He hugged the tiny boy. Near's eyes widened and it took every ounce of self-control he had not to push the gamer away. As a general rule the young detective abhorred physical contact. Even letting Matt rest a hand on his shoulder or lead him by the arm the way he had earlier had taken a great deal of conscious effort. He had had to force himself not to recoil. And that day on the roof he had stood there for nearly half an hour before he had the courage to tap the older boy on the shoulder. No one touched him. No one even came near him. He never allowed it.

Matt felt him tense and let him go. He hadn't expected that to go over well. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"It is alright," Near said as he wrapped his arms around himself, eyes down cast.

"You're right, though," Matt said looking up at the ceiling and wishing he could see the sky. "About us being only children. I think even we forget that sometimes." He paused for a moment and glanced over at the frail boy. "If you really do have so little time, that just means you have to make the most of it. Live while you can. Don't forget to let yourself have fun."

Near nodded and smiled nearly imperceptibly. "Right as always. Sometimes I don't understand how you were third."

Matt chuckled. "I never tried. Didn't care enough." He noted the look of distraction on Near's face and smiled. "Hey, cheer up. Eight years is a long time. And if there's anything I learned from the Mafia, it was that life is unpredictable so live now. You think too far ahead and you forget about what's going on right here, right now."

Near considered this for a moment. "My line of work requires a bit more planning than the Mafia."

"Not really," Matt replied, looking back up at the ceiling and swinging his feet. "But you're missing the point. Come on, I'm hungry."

"It's two in the morning," Near said incredulously.

"So? I can cook," Matt objected. "You do have stuff around here I can cook with, right? Flour and stuff?"

Near nodded. "Did you think because of my allergies that my team would not still eat normally?'

Matt smiled. "I could cook something for you. I promise I won't poison you with wheat or milk or anything."

Near actually let himself smile at this. "I'll show you where the kitchen is."


	35. Real

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 35. So this is a bit odd. I mark that as a result of sleep deprivation. Anyway, if this chapter is weird, forgive me. I really don't have too much to say. Mello's weirdness when he first wakes up will be explained later. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Shiruwanasu, Micuko, Dawn-at-Midnight, Reese Craven, Con Fuoco, -LavenderkisseS-, Creation of a Dream, and Angel 513 for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** How many times must I repeat this?

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_Mello could feel the gunshot, hear the voices of the men as he was bound. He was aware of what was going on, but only just. Simply staying awake was a struggle at the moment And then it was dark and there were hands and he wasn't permitted to see who held him. He cried out for Matt because he knew the gamer was listening, but he got no response. Laughter, both from Matt and the men who held him captive, and the thin man there smiling, promising he would die slowly and painfully for his crime of being freed._

_And then the darkness was gone and the laughter was replaced by screams. A woman, from the sound of it, pleading for her life and crying out for her husband. _Stupid girl, _Mello thought_, you're husband is dead. He can't help you._ And he was right. __A man not more than a year or so older than him lay dead on the stairs.__ He was pale with brown hair and piercing blue eyes. Although Mello could not see her, he knew the woman in the other room was just as tall as this man and had green eyes and a pretty face and she was blonde. She was only as old as __Near__. She was crying hysterically, "My baby! Don't hurt my baby! Don't you dare touch my __baby!__" _

_"Your baby's right here," Mello whispered from the top of the stairs. Somewhere downstairs, beyond where Mello could see, a tiny blonde child with his father's blue eyes peered out from his hiding place, watching in terror as his mother begged for mercy and pled for his safety._

_And then that too was gone and he was at Wammy's. At first glance nothing seemed off. It was just a sunny summer afternoon. What troubled him was the silence. Wammy's was never quiet. There were too many children for that. Apprehensively he wandered through the deserted halls in search of anyone familiar. After what seemed like an eternity of walking he finally came across Matt. He was sitting quietly in the library with his back to the door, just sitting and not doing anything, and he didn't look up when Mello came in._

_"Matt?" the blonde called hesitantly. No answer. __"Oi!__ Matt!" When the hacker didn't answer Mello slowly crept forward to rest a hand on his shoulder. He felt his heart stop at what he saw._

_Matt hadn't acknowledged him because he couldn't. He was dead. __Not only dead, but dismembered.__ The skin was very nearly gone from his face and his limbs. His eyes, his lower jaw, and his pointer fingers were gone. The skin over his chest and stomach had also been pulled back and his heart and lungs were missing from the intact ribcage.__ Mello looked down to the__ blood pooled around his feet and then back up at his friend and screamed._

He woke to the sound of his own screams filling the small room. He was drenched in sweat, shaking and panting. Franticly he looked around for Matt, but the redhead was nowhere to be seen.

"MATT!" He shouted as he flew to the door. He wrenched it open, nearly breaking the knob, and shouted again. "Matt! Please, Matt!"

He was sobbing by this time. When he finally determined that Matt wasn't coming he scurried back into the room and locked the door before curling up in the far corner.

* * *

Matt and Near were on the other side of the building, sitting in the small kitchen. Near looked on curiously as Matt mixed something in a large bowl. They had spent the last hour and a half holed up in Near's room. It had been an interesting discussion. Matt had learned quite a few things about Near that he never would have guessed. Now they sat quietly in the kitchen, content just to be. That peace didn't last long, though.

"Did you hear that?" Matt asked, pausing long enough to let the whisk slide down into the bowl. "I swear I heard Mello calling."

"I didn't hear it," Near replied. "Maybe you should check, though. He was asleep when we left the control room. He may have woken up."

"Good point," Matt agreed. He set the bowl on the counter, wiped his hands on his jeans, and headed for the room he was sharing with Mello. Near followed silently and watched in apprehension as the hacker knocked.

Inside Mello heard the noise, but it didn't register as knocking, just noise outside alerting him that there was someone there. When the paranoid blonde failed to open the door, the frantic gamer turned to Near. Fortunately, Near had the key, kept it on the same ring as the key to his own room. Matt didn't ask why. Near was housing them and knew Mello was in bad shape. He had probably anticipated something like this. The first thing Matt saw was Mello curled up in the corner with his back to them. He tensed as the door opened and Matt called to him.

"Mello!" Matt called. He was afraid the blonde wouldn't answer him, afraid that he had hurt himself, afraid that he couldn't answer.

The boy lifted his head slightly at the sound of the name and glanced over his shoulder. Blue eyes widened as he spotted the two boys at the door. Before he could say anything Matt was at his side.

"Matt?" Mello said as he sat up and put his hands on the redhead's shoulders to make sure he was there.

"Yeah," Matt said. Even though the blonde had said his name, there was no recognition in his eyes. Only pain. "Mel, are you alright?"

Mello stared at him for a moment, confused. "I'm... not sure."

Matt watched as blue eyes blinked several times and the thin boy shook his head. There was still the confusion and the pain. He closed his eyes and hung his head for a moment, his grip on Matt's shoulders tightening. The world tilted and he lurched forward in an attempt to keep his balance. Matt responded by placing his hands on the boy's shoulders to steady him.

"Mel, what's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

"How do I know you're Matt?" the blonde asked, looking back up at him for a split second before his eyes closed again. He inhaled deeply and opened his eyes again, but this time he kept them open. "Tell me something only you would know."

"I can do better than that," Matt said, pulling the silver lighter from his pocket and handing it to Mello. "You gave that to me a week and two days before... You said when you gave it to me that there was something important you needed to tell me, but that you couldn't yet."

Mello nodded and let go of one of Matt's shoulders in favour of resting a hand on his cheek. The fear was gone and the confusion had lessened, leaving him looking tired.

"Come on Mel," Matt urged taking hold of Mello's arms to help him to his feet. "When did you get so thin?"

Mello just shrugged. Matt looked back at Near, who had been watching from the doorway, and motioned for him to come in. Silently he made his way over, casting a wary glance at Mello. He looked dazed. Near sat on the edge of the bed next to Matt, on the opposite side from Mello.

"He isn't hurt, is he?" Near asked. An injury, depending on what it was, might explain the confusion and disorientation.

"Not that I can tell," Matt said. Mello either didn't hear them or he was ignoring them. Matt was reasonably sure it was the second.

"Has he been sleeping?" was Near's next question.

"Not well, no," Matt said. Mello was watching him. He didn't seem to care that they were discussing him as though he wasn't there.

"Has he been eating?" Near said thoughtfully.

"He…" Matt paused. He had been, but now that he thought about it…

"It's only been two days," Mello said softly. His voice still sounded weak. "And two more before that. It isn't enough to hurt anything."

Near just stared at him as Matt spoke. "Mel, that is enough to be harmful."

"The problem," Mello began, "is sleep. I don't think I've slept more than an hour at a time since we got here. Maybe two or three hours a day. We've been here for three weeks."

Finally Near spoke directly to the blonde. "Why is it that you can tell us that, but you didn't recognize Matt?"

"I was sleeping until you knocked," Mello said softly. "I hadn't completely woken up. I couldn't tell if I was still sleeping. I was half convinced I was back…"

"Have you convinced yourself you're awake yet?" the pale detective asked.

"You wouldn't be in my dreams, so yes," Mello said. "You are here, right?"

Near reached out cautiously toward the blonde but before he could make contact Mello grabbed his wrist and twisted it painfully, causing Near to yelp.

"Don't touch me," the elder growled, twisting Near's wrist until he winced and tried to pull back.

"Mello stop! You'll hurt him," Matt cried, separating them with difficulty.

Near pulled his arm out of Matt's grasp and held it against his body, pressing on different places as though to check for injuries. Mello slapped Matt's hand away and pulled his knees up to wrap his arms around them. Near didn't notice that Mello was glaring at him – he was staring down at his feet.

"You could have broken his arm. Really, it was only Near. That was uncalled for," Matt said sharply to Mello. He turned to Near and in the same tone said, "What were you thinking? That was just stupid. You're smart enough to realize he'll hurt you if you try to touch him."

"I thought perhaps he was past that point," Near said softly. "I was wrong."

Mello said nothing, but dropped his gaze to the floor. Matt's expression softened a bit and he asked, "Are you alright?" Mello nodded and Matt turned to Near, who also nodded. "Good," the gamer said. "Let's try not to kill each other."

Mello looked over at Near with an expression of doubt as the tiny detective stared blankly back at him. Then both looked to Matt, who just sighed and shook his head.


	36. Children

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 36. Well, people are still reading this, so I'll assume that there are people out there willing to stick with a longer story. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me up to this point. Just a note, I don't condone underage drinking. I don't drink and don't intend to start. This, however, is Matt talking. As you've probably guessed by now, this is a Matt-centric chapter. Matt's pov. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Con Fuoco, Haruhi Komodori, Shiruwanasu, Micuko, and -LavenderkisseS- for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Death Note. Only Ross is mine.

* * *

Watching Mello and Near attempt to work together was like watching the proverbial lion and lamb. Near was completely defenceless and Mello looked as though he wanted nothing more than to kill him. The way he prowled around the perimeter of the room, glaring and baring his teeth every time Near made a wrong move, but he hadn't hurt the small boy yet and that at least was something.

He hadn't thought about it until Near said something, but now as he watched them work the comment came back to him. They were young, only children. Near had the weight of the world to hold and he was only seventeen. Seventeen and a god in the eyes of the world. Mello had been seventeen when he was kidnapped. Seventeen and a mob boss. Seventeen and facing that kind of torture. Seventeen and they had both done so much, been through so much.

And Matt? He had joined the mob at sixteen, the best hacker there was. He knew a decent bit about medicine – nothing like what the hospital had done, but enough – and he was the only one Mello had trusted to help him when he was wounded. Before Matt had come back, Mello had treated everything himself, and some of it he hadn't been able to do anything with. But he didn't trust hospitals or even the mob's medic. Matt, though, he trusted. He would rest easy knowing his life was in Matt's hands.

They were young, but it didn't show as much as it should have. They had been through too much, seen too much, suffered too much, heard too much, known too much, _lived_ too much to be considered naïve anymore, to be considered children anymore. They had lost their childhood to violence and pain. Nightmares were nothing new to any of them because there are some things even the brightest of minds cannot make sense of.

Near's expression caught Matt's attention. Misery; he was remembering. Remembering what happened before. He had the weight of the world on his tiny, frail shoulders. He had hunted them down and he had had them killed, the people who had taken his family from him. No one was supposed to have known that but L, to whom he had confessed the whole thing back in the orphanage. Then again, how was Near to know he talked in his sleep? A mere child, no older than eight, but with that kind of power. Wammy's had not been the first to recognize him for the genius he was. Near knew what true darkness was and some part of Matt feared him for it. He looked so innocent, he seemed so naïve, but under the mask there was cold and a cruelty that comes only from that knowledge.

And Mello. Mello knew it too. True darkness. You could blot out the sun with the evil that lives in the human heart. Mello knew that better than most, perhaps better than Near, perhaps not. He had been young when he came to Wammy's and already tough. His life in the Mafia had only made him tougher. He had seen things that most people would find unfathomable. The things he had endured were beyond imagination. And he had embraced it all as his identity, what made him who he was. It was his reality, just as it was Near's reality.

And they were at odds always for it. One knew the other knew it, the other one did not. Mello, loud and angry and violent and deadly; Near, silent and cold and passive and _just as deadly as Mello_. Both of them products of the worst of humanity, but one had washed his hands of the darkness while the other had _become_ the darkness. It was harder to see it now, but beyond the fear and the brokenness it was there. Mello didn't need a reason; he would tear you to shreds without the slightest hint of remorse. So would Near, but Mello was different. Near would never see the blood, never hear the screams. Mello would hunt you down and kill you himself, would love the feeling of the blood on his hands, the smell and the colour of it, he would love the sounds of the screams, the pleas for mercy where there could be none. Mello _was_ the darkness, but he did not love the darkness the way others did, the way his captors had. He hated himself because he was the darkness. And that was why Matt could love him. He was death, but he did not revel in this identity.

Still, Mello was a creature to be feared, completely at ease with death and his role as a killer. Matt remembered clearly the first time he had seen his friend that way. It had been a little after three in the morning when he had stumbled back to the apartment, covered in blood. It matted his hair and stained his clothes and Matt had known just by looking at him that not all of it had come from the gash on his left arm that ran from his shoulder to his elbow. His breathing was ragged, his eyes were wide and the clearest blue Matt had ever seen them, and his pupils were dilated as though from drugs though it was really only adrenaline. Matt remembered ducking behind the couch lest Mello shoot him with the odd state he was in. It had taken nearly half an hour for him to calm to the point where Matt could get near him. The hacker remembered how nervous that had made him, not only because of the threat of being shot, but because of how badly Mello was bleeding.

Children. They were far from children. Then again, they weren't technically adults yet either. Mello was the oldest at nineteen. Sometimes Matt wished they could be like normal teenagers; go out on weekends and drink and act like idiots and just not care. Not that he and Mello hadn't done that anyway, but that wasn't the point. It was the idea of freedom. Again he came back to Near. Of all of them he had the most power and the least freedom. _The justice system of the entire world rests in the hands of a seventeen year old albino with allergies to stuff I can't even pronounce._ They were anything but normal. Matt wished they could be normal, just once, for one day. It wouldn't happen and they all knew it. Better to live the lives they had been given. After all, out of the three of them he was the closest to normalcy.

That was when Mello made to lunge at Near. Matt snapped to attention, but relaxed slightly when all the blonde did was growl a few choice words and resume his pacing. Apparently the pale boy had been staring at him. The eldest had been tense around the young detective since the incident two days prior in which he had tried to break Near's arm. Near had attempted to touch him and that had been the end of what little trust Mello had placed in the frail boy. If they all lived to see the end of this, it would be a miracle. It wasn't Irvin they had to worry about. It was each other. The sooner this ended the better.


	37. Moonlight

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter 37. This was supposed to be up this morning, but I got caught up in reading the latest chapter in a story by Mikanis and then I had to go to class. So I've got this whole list of things I've learned so far in college written up on my white board and I thought I'd share a few, just for comedic value. College lesson number one: Ramen is a valid food group. Don't believe me? Just wait until you start college. Seriously, though. Anyway, a note on the chapter. You know how I said back in chapter 28 that I was working on another chapter? This is it. It was supposed to be closer to the end, though, so it has been changed just a little from what it originally was. Mello's still trying to get over what happened and cope with being in a relationship, while Matt continues to analyze everything about both of them. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Creation of a Dream, Con Fuoco, Shiruwanasu, Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, and Tora-Star for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Honestly, I think we all know it's not mine.

* * *

Night and calm had come at last and all of them had finally decided to retire for the evening. Matt was quite relieved at this. He had spent all day anticipating having to break up a fight. Mello seemed indifferent, aside from his obvious relief at being away from Near. But at least Mello was no longer avoiding him. Even now, though, he seemed just a bit uneasy. He was being either affectionate or clingy and, while Matt didn't mind, it seemed slightly odd. It was when they reached their room that Matt decided this was far beyond Mello typical shows of affection. 

As soon as the door closed Matt found himself pressed up against it. Mello watched him for a moment, considering what was happening. Matt honestly didn't mind what was happening. Actually, he found himself wishing the blonde would hurry up and kiss him rather than just keep him pinned against the door. Hesitantly Mello obliged. Matt noted the unease – they had kissed before, but after the first few times Mello hadn't seemed nervous anymore – but he didn't have long to think about it. Mello leaned into him, delicate hands working their way over Matt's slightly rougher pair so that their fingers were intertwined. All Matt could think as Mello led him from his place against the wall was that the blonde tasted sweet, like chocolate but better.

Slowly Mello guided him back until the blonde collided with the bed and fell back onto it. He pulled Matt with him and the sudden weight holding him down startled him. Matt realized what was happening and fell a bit more gracefully so that he was sitting on Mello's lap with one knee on either side of the boy. He was careful to support most of his own weight because Mello was so much lighter than him. The blonde let go off his hands in favour of wrapping both arms around his shoulders and pulling him into another kiss. The hacker, however, broke away from him for a moment.

"Mello," Matt breathed. "Are you sure you're ok with this?"

The blonde nodded mutely. He didn't want his voice to betray his fear, although he was certain his body already had. But this was Matt, he told himself. This was Matt, so it was alright. This was Matt who would never hurt him. The gamer smiled and the smaller boy tried to repress a shudder as he was pushed gently backward so that he lay on his back, the redhead leaning over him, gazing down with warm green eyes. A gentle hand made its way from his cheek, down his neck, to rest on his chest. He couldn't help it; he cringed. And then the weight that held him down was gone and he was pulled upright again into Matt's arms

"You're scared," Matt whispered. Mello shook his head and the gamer reprimanded him for it. "I can tell you are. Don't lie."

Mello shook his head again. "But you –"

"Don't want to hurt you," Matt cut him off. "No, Mel. I don't care if you think I want this. I don't if it's gonna hurt you." There was a brief pause in which Mello just watched him cautiously. "Come here."

Matt moved back, gesturing for Mello to sit on the edge of the bed. The blonde obeyed, starting when Matt leaned in to kiss him, resting one hand on the bed next to him to support himself.

"Shh," the younger boy said softly. "Tell me if you want me to stop. I won't do anything you're not comfortable with."

Mello nodded. He could feel Matt smile as he pressed warm lips to his throat. It was reassuring, that smile and how gentle he was. It was better this way, too. He didn't feel trapped. Matt moved back up, capturing his lips in a soft kiss every bit as gentle as the redhead himself. Mello liked that, the way Matt kissed him and the way Matt _was_. Gentle, loving, patient. Perfect. Matt was perfect.

Slowly the hacker grasped the zipper on the shooter's vest and pulled. He was encouraged when he met no resistance and slowly began to trail kisses along the scar on Mello's jaw and down his neck just over the artery. He didn't dare nip at the sensitive skin – that might scare the boy – so instead he barely grazed it until he had made his way down to the blonde's prominent collar bone. Only for a moment he paused before pulling the vest away from the older boy's thin frame. Almost timidly he traced his finger tips over some of the more obvious scars and just when the blonde thought the younger boy had changed his mind green eyes looked up to meet his icy blue.

"Mello, do you have any idea how beautiful you are?" Matt whispered, his tone sincere and almost admiring. Still watching Mello's expression, Matt pressed a kiss to the middle of his chest and slid one hand around to the small of his back. Then eye contact was broken and Matt picked up where he had left off. The blonde's grip on his shoulders tightened as his lips ghosted over his stomach. He was nervous, but Matt had expected that; he hadn't pushed him away yet, though.

As if Mello had heard Matt's thoughts the hands on his shoulders gave a sharp thrust back. "Matt, don't."

His expression told the hacker everything. The smaller boy was terrified. Blue eyes closed and Mello turned his head down and to the side as though trying to hide the blush that had risen in his cheeks. His hands lingered on Matt's shoulders as if he didn't know what to do with them. He was trembling.

Matt sat back and just watched him for a moment. The way the faint moonlight filtering in through the blinds made his pale skin glow, the faint rosy hue dusting his cheeks, even the glimmer of unshed tears clinging to his long eyelashes; he had never looked more beautiful or more fragile. He was like a porcelain doll and if Matt touched him surely he would shatter. The hands were gone from his shoulders now, one wrapped around the boy's slim waist, the other crossed over his bare chest so that the hand rested on its owner's shoulder. Mello rested his cheek against his wrist and a soft sigh escaped parted lips.

_Move,_ Matt's mind instructed. _Don't just sit there and stare at him. He's scared. Tell him everything is alright._

"Mello?" Matt whispered, rising from where he knelt to sit on the bed. Carefully he wrapped his arms around the trembling boy, noticing for the first time just how delicate he really was. Blue eyes looked up at him, still gleaming as Mello leaned into the embrace. He was tense, as though just letting Matt hold him was a struggle. To Matt the fear was like a shot to the heart. He just pulled the boy closer and whispered in his ear, "I love you."

At this Mello returned the embrace, burying his face in Matt's chest and murmuring something the redhead couldn't quite hear. He was scared, but he still trusted the younger boy. Matt was quiet, stroking Mello's hair gently. It seemed to calm him slightly. He felt more than heard Mello sigh as small hands twisted themselves into the striped fabric of his shirt. The older boy was careful, though – usually he would have ended up driving his nails into the younger's back without meaning to. Maybe not quite scared then so much as apprehensive, uneasy.

"You ok?" Matt asked quietly. Mello nodded and glanced up at him.

"I'm alright," he replied breathily. His expression was pleading, although for what Matt was unsure. The blonde glanced back down and slowly brought one hand around to toy with the fabric at the collar of Matt's shirt, watching his own slender fingers work over the thin material. Then his eyes flicked back up and he spoke again. "It's late."

Matt nodded. "Tired?"

"Not really," Mello said, glancing back down at his hand. He was more than content to just sit here with Matt for the rest of the night.

"What do you propose we do then?" Matt asked.

Mello just shrugged without looking up. "Nothing."

The taller boy couldn't help but smile at this. "Since when have you been able to stand doing nothing?"

Not that he minded just sitting here, but Mello had never been able to tolerate having nothing to do. But Matt was content just to sit here if Mello was. He watched the blonde's hand run across the material of his shirt. He had such small hands and his fingers were long and delicate like those of a piano player. Briefly he wondered if Mello had ever been taught to play. He remembered hearing the blonde play once, back in the orphanage. It was the middle of the night. During the day the older boy wouldn't go anywhere near the music room, but things were different at night. He could remember seeing Mello seated on the piano bench, blonde hair bright in the moonlight, playing something Matt thought he recognized as Beethoven. He had been so wrapped up in the music that he had failed to notice Matt standing in the doorway not five feet from him. Then again, he had never heard Mello play after that and the blonde never even listened to any music, so it may have been a false memory. Somehow, though, the image seemed fitting for the thin boy.

He was so delicate and graceful that Matt had no trouble picturing him as a musician. In fact, if it hadn't been for all the times Mello had threatened him with some weapon or other, usually a gun, Matt may have suggested to him that he looked like he belonged on the stage. He knew Mello wouldn't have liked that, though. The only thing worse would have been to tell him he either looked gay or he looked like a girl. Of course, the first was true, something Matt had known for a long time, and the gamer could see how the second would be an easy mistake. He had long hair, a pretty face, and a girlish figure, his waist being so narrow that it gave him the appearance of having a girl's hips. The only dead giveaway was his completely flat chest and broad shoulders, though a closer look at his face would prove his features more masculine than feminine. Just to look at him no one would guess that he knew several hundred ways to kill a person and had used quite a few of them. Only the cold gleam in his eyes could even begin to hint at what lay hidden beneath the pretty exterior.

Matt felt the small boy shift against him, resting his head on one of the hacker's shoulders as his hand came to rest on the other. How long had he known? Matt wondered silently. How long had he known that this was what he truly wanted? He hadn't been as comfortable with it as Mello had. He had felt awkward at first, refusing to admit anything for two full years. Even then he justified himself with the fact that Mello looked like a girl. After all, Mello was the only boy he had ever had feelings for and even now he would vehemently deny Mello's teasing accusations about being gay. Everyone had their exceptions; Mello just happened to be his. Life's amusing and infinitely annoying system of continuums… He did wonder, though, how Mello managed to just brush it off. He was Catholic, after all. Even now the blood-red rosary that usually hung about his neck was wrapped around the wrist of the hand on Matt's shoulder.

Matt glanced down to see that Mello's eyes were closed and noticed that he was still shirtless. Over the boy's heart he could just faintly see a scar in the shape of a cross and remembered that it had been a self-inflicted wound. Maybe he hadn't been as at ease about it as Matt was tempted to believe. After all, he had done that shortly after Matt had stopped him from killing himself. The hacker could still hear the frantic, whispered prayer – Mello's first words in over a year. _I do not feel that it would be right to ask forgiveness for loving him, for I feel no remorse._ He didn't feel guilty, but that wasn't to say he didn't think it was wrong.

"We all have our demons," Matt whispered without realizing he had spoken aloud.

Slowly blue eyes opened to gaze up at him. "Am I yours?" the blonde asked hesitantly.

"I wouldn't call you a demon," Matt said, blushing more at being caught thinking aloud than anything else. "Mine, though, yes."

Mello smiled and snuggled closer against him. "Good. I don't want to be anybody else's but yours."

It wasn't long before the small boy's eyes closed again and his breathing evened out and Matt was left watching him sleep. Mello always looked so peaceful when he first fell asleep, before the nightmares had a chance to start. When he slept he appeared carefree and with his far-too-old eyes hidden he actually managed to look his age, perhaps even younger. The warmth of Mello resting in his arms and the soft, rhythmic sound of the boy's breathing was enough to begin to lull Matt to sleep. And as he sat there staring at the patches of moonlight that dappled the room he found himself dreading the morning, because with the morning came reality.


	38. Hit

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 38. So I haven't proofread this to the extent I would have liked to and I'm not sure I should really post this yet as it isn't quite finished yet. Matt's characterization is still weak and it just kind of ends. Anyway, this is the first time I've looked at this since I got home and I'm going to be out of town for about four days so I thought I'd go ahead and post it. I don't know; it's like I come home and my writing ability dies. Fortunately break is short. Merry Christmas a few hours late. On with the chapters.

Thank you to Shiruwanasu, Haruhi Komodori, Con Fuoco, Yagami Night, Micuko, Indecisive Mind, XMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, and -LavenderkisseS- for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

"Mel," Matt said softly as the two of them sat in the kitchen the following morning. "You alright?"

The blonde looked up from the plate he'd hardly touched and nodded. Matt had gone through the trouble of cooking for him, but somehow he still couldn't bring himself to eat.

"So," Matt said, prefacing what he knew would be an awkward question by pouring himself a cup of coffee and joining Mello at the small table. "Last night. What brought that on?"

He looked up to see Mello's face darken with a blush and a gloomy expression. "I'm not sure."

"It's alright," Matt said softly. The blonde looked angry with himself.

"It's the flash backs, damnit," Mello muttered to the table. "Why can't I get past that?"

Matt just sighed and reached across the table to rest a hand on Mello's arm. "Mel, I understand. It's not easy. Give it time."

Mello opened his mouth to protest, but closed it again when Near entered. The tiny boy caught sight of the two of them and lowered his eyes, blushing. At this Mello dropped his head to rest on his arm and Matt raised an eyebrow.

"What did you see?" Matt asked, hearing a muffled groan from Mello.

"Nothing," the pale detective said. And he hadn't. He was too shy and had too much respect for Matt. "I shut off the video feed from your room when he pinned you to the door. I saw nothing."

"Nothing happened, just in case you're wondering," Matt said. "So quit blushing and get your pale ass over here."

"That was uncalled for," Near said with a glare rendered ineffective by the pink still staining his cheeks.

"It's breakfast," Matt replied. "You don't eat breakfast. You prefer to go straight to work, so you don't even come to breakfast unless you have something important to say. So tell us."

"There's been a hit," Near said. "The body was left at the apartment building where you and Mello spent the night before coming here. Hands and ankles bound, cause of death was a single point-blank shot to the back of the head. He was killed execution-style."

"Irvin?" Matt asked. Mello sat up to stare at Near.

"No. A look alike." Near's voice was icy.

Matt blinked. "Near, the whole point of a copycat…" The sentence died on his lips as the hacker caught the pale detective's expression and realized what he meant. "Oh fuck."

"No, not a copycat Matt," the frail boy said harshly. "A look alike. The man who was killed fit Irvin's physical description nearly perfectly. The only difference was that he was slightly heavier and less pale than Irvin. I won't have DNA for a couple of weeks, but fingerprints say this is not Irvin."

Near paused momentarily to take in Matt's panic and Mello's confusion before continuing. "I made sure that none of these men's profiles were released to the public. I didn't want Kira to get to them before I did. That means that someone leaked information, most likely to the Mafia. The only explanation for that is that someone who had knowledge of Irvin wanted him dead and had the proper connections to see it done. Someone put out a hit on Irvin. Or perhaps they simply turned him over to the Mafia to let them have their revenge.

"So Matt, when did you tell them?"

"What!?" the hacker exclaimed. Mello was just staring at him in disbelief as Near bored holes in his skull with his piercing gaze. "What makes you think it was me?"

"'Now as far as I go, I can get the Mafia to kill Irvin for you, but that's about it. They've been looking for blood in this whole mess,'" Near quoted, mimicking Matt's exact tone and gestures perfectly. "That, and your reaction. And you are one of six people outside of the police who know what Irvin looks like. Of them, you are the only one with ties to the Mafia, aside from Mello who I very much doubt has had any contact with the mob since the incident. Matt, I have already established that you are responsible for this. I just want to know why."

The hacker just stared at him with wide eyes. The pale boy sighed, putting pressure on the bridge of his nose. "I know you were the leak. I'm not going to have you arrested. I'm also not going to look for the hit man. The only thing you have to suffer from this is knowing that the blood of an innocent man is on your hands. All I require is an explanation and for you to call off the Mafia. I don't want any more deaths associated with this case."

Matt nodded weakly. "About a week ago. I didn't expect them to move so quickly. That's the fastest I've ever seen them finish anything. They weren't happy, though. About Mello."

"Ok, that's when. Now tell me why?" Near commanded.

"This has gotten to be too much for all of us," Matt said, glancing around. "Mel, you've been a wreck, and Near, you've been snapping at everyone. And I really don't want to have to clean up the mess after one of you kills the other. And if Irvin were to die, this who thing would be over and we could get on with our lives. You could go back to focusing on Kira, Mello could heal in peace, and I could stop worrying all the time because some psycho genius is after my boyfriend!"

"That is not a good reason," Near said, venom dripping from his soft spoken words. "I assure you that this will not be the end of it, but I think for right now you may have some things to work out. Call them off or I will arrest you, and trust me I don't want to do that to Mello."

And with that the tiny boy vanished leaving Matt alone with the shocked blonde.


	39. Trust

**A/N:** Hola! I'm home, back where there's internet connection and no cows mooing at two in the morning. I love the country, really I do, but I don't want to live there. Ever. Same goes for inner city. I've done both in the past five days and decided I'm not partial to either. Chapter 39. Good god this is long! And it officially has more hits than Wishing. Anywho, I don't like Matt in this chapter. You're all going to be mad at me. It'll all make sense, I swear! So I'll just shut up and let you read now. Oh, Happy New Year to everyone! On with the chapter.

Thank you to Tora-Star, Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Shiruwanasu, -LavenderkisseS-, AlisterRainbow, and Creation of a Dream for all of your comments!

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine.

* * *

"Mello, open the door!" Matt shouted at the wooden barrier that separated him from the blonde. 

"No!" Mello shouted back. The smaller of the two had shut himself up in the room they shared after Near had announced the hit. When Matt had picked the lock he had fled to the bathroom and barricaded the door. "I'm not coming out until you explain."

"Mello, what part of 'I did what I felt I had to' are you not understanding?" the hacker ground out. "Now open this door before I break it down."

"That won't do a thing," the blonde replied. "It opens in."

He heard Matt swear and slam his fist against the door. "Mello, if you do anything stupid…"

"Is that what you're afraid of?" the smaller boy scoffed.

"You don't trust me." Simple response, but it didn't make sense to Mello. "You work yourself into a panic, how can I know what you'll do?"

The reply was slightly muffled. "Trust me."

"How can I?" Matt replied. "You don't trust me."

"If I open the door, what are you going to do?"

"What do you think I'm going to do?"

"How should I know?" Mello answered, annoyed.

Matt sighed. "Absolutely nothing. I just want to talk… Without the door in the way."

There was a moment of hesitation and then, "You touch me and I shoot you."

"Understood," Matt answered. He was relieved to hear the sound of whatever Mello had blocked the door with being shoved back to where it belonged. Slowly, cautiously Mello pushed the door open and Matt backed away to the other side of the room, his hands raised in a show of submission.

"Explain." It wasn't a request, it was a command crisp and barked. The first Matt had heard from the blonde since the incident.

"Mel, how many times have we been over this?" Matt whined slightly. "I did what I felt was necessary."

"And how many times have I told you to stay out of my business?" Mello shot back.

Matt's reply possessed a bitterness he hadn't intended. "Sorry _boss_, but in case you haven't noticed I've had to step up since you were gone."

"Matt, they're dangerous," Mello said. Matt was tempted to ask just how safe Mello thought living with a crazed mob boss was, but he restrained himself. "I told you that when I took you on three years ago. I thought I made it perfectly clear that I wanted you as far from them as possible. You slip up and they'll kill you. You promised me you'd stay out of it."

"Things change, Mel," Matt hissed. Mello had a gun in his hand, just as he had threatened, but Matt chose that moment to counter the blonde's threat by raising his own. He wasn't stupid enough to think Mello would be calm; he knew the blonde too well for that. "And if you raise that gun to me, I'll shoot you. Don't think I won't. Maybe before I wouldn't have, but like I said, things change.

"And you're saying what? That you thought they'd kill me just for kicks? Wrong. You don't know your men very well, do you? Murderous bastards, sure, but they're loyal to a fault. To you at least. Most of them were, anyway. The rest are dead now, or convinced not to talk. I think it's because they realized what you were. I'd hate to see their reaction to you now.

"As for me, they decided it was better to keep me around. Actually, they decided I was more useful than you gave me credit for. Brilliant hacker, sure, but I'm not too shabby at planning and working around the police either. And as a plus I was close to you. That whole "Matt belongs to the boss" bit, they never bought it. I'm amazed Near did."

Mello raised an eyebrow. "And you told them what?"

Matt shrugged. "The truth. Mostly, anyway. I said you were my brother. It got them off my back, it saved face for you, and it guaranteed my safety. Hey, it explained why I was yours and they didn't dare lay a hand on me then. No telling when you might come back and if I, being your brother, was dead there would be hell to pay. Your reputation really is something."

Matt took a step forward and suddenly found himself staring down the barrel of a gun. The blonde behind it growled "I said _don't touch me_."

"Who says I was going to?" Matt said, releasing the safety on his own weapon. If he had to shoot he'd rather shoot over Mello's shoulder. The smaller boy, however, wouldn't be as generous. If he insisted on threatening the gamer, Matt would be forced to at least shoot him in the hand.

"So what did you tell them?" Mello asked, not bothering to lower his weapon. The choice was unwise. Thus far he had only seen the kindness Matt had to offer; the patient, gentle, loving, caring boy he had always known. What he hadn't seen was just how much Matt had changed. He was no longer as passive and timid as he once was. He had been kind to Mello because he loved him and because the blonde was suffering. When that weakness began to fade, so did Matt's tolerance. To hell with being safe; he'd rather chance it and see what happened.

A shot rang out and Mello froze, dropping his gun with a loud clatter as he ducked and then turned to stare at the hole in the wall behind him. "I told them I was going to bring you back." Matt paused to take in the fear in Mello's eyes as the smaller boy looked back at him. "But obviously you can't be returned to them like this. They'll kill you. When I said they were loyal, it's because they knew what you were. No one lived once you decided it was time for them to die. That's changed. Loyalty fades quickly when you can't defend yourself. I may not be quite what you were, but I'm getting there. So let's make one thing perfectly clear: You don't own me. Not anymore."

And with that he brushed past the shocked boy, pausing only briefly in the doorway to whisper "Next time you threaten me I won't aim high."

* * *

"I knew you wouldn't shoot him," Near said flatly as Matt approached the doorway. 

"Damnit Near, you really don't know when to shut up, do you?" Matt growled.

The pale boy didn't flinch. "Threatening me in my own facility really wouldn't be wise."

"I haven't threatened you," Matt pointed out.

"I'm perfectly aware of that," Near said coolly. "However, I've never seen you behave in such a manner as you just did. He's not going to let you near him for weeks now. You do know that, right?"

"Again, you don't know when to shut up, do you?" Matt replied harshly.

"I'm merely observing," Near said calmly. "About what you said, though. I had a few questions."

The answer was swift and, by the tone, non-negotiable. "No. I came to tell you I'm leaving."

"You can't leave," the boy said. Perhaps the most frustrating thing was that he hadn't even bothered to look up yet. "I'll have you hunted down and arrested for the murder of Eric Glasson. That's who your men killed, by the way."

Matt felt his fist clench seemingly of its own volition. "Near, I _will_ hurt you."

That was when Near finally looked up. Silently he left off what he was working on and got up. With a distinct pain in his limping steps he made his way to where Matt stood and wordlessly caught his chin in one hand, forcing his gaze down so that he could study the emotion in his cloudy green eyes. The elder was trembling under his touch, the tiny boy could feel it clearly. The rage radiated from him in waves. Near knew that it was taking all of Matt's self-control not to hit him. The frail boy was glad he had found that restraint; Matt was bigger than him, heavier and stronger, and could injure him quite severely if he really wanted to. Nevertheless, he readied himself for the blow as he opened his mouth to speak.

"That's it then. You've become just like him. Mello. Both of them, really. Cold, cruel –"

There was a loud slap that echoed through the stillness of the room and Near toppled over. One small hand was covering his jaw where a bruise had already begun to form.

"Don't you _dare_ compare me to _her_! Ever! I should kill you for that!" Matt shouted. He didn't even bother asking how Near knew, just kicked him hard in the side and stormed out before he did any more damage.

Once the enraged boy was gone, Near sat up slowly. He had expected worse, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. He had always been fragile and he figured Matt had probably hurt him worse than intended. Carefully he made his way over to the tangle of wires on the floor, wincing every time he moved the wrong way, and hit the intercom switch. "Hal, I need you upstairs."

On the screen showing the shooting range he saw Hal lay down her weapon and hurry to the stairs, maternal instincts she usually kept well hidden brought back by the pain in his voice. Irony in all its glory, but Near's side hurt too much for him to laugh at the moment.


	40. Sunset

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter 40. The chapters are short, that's there are so many. Honestly, I know where I want this to go, but it keeps getting longer. Just a few notes. No, Mello is not a girl. There was so much confusion about the "she" in the last chapter that I put in the story Mello tells about Matt's past. Matt will probably have more details on that later, but for right now I just wanted to clear up confusion. And Ross Irvin is mine, as is Matt's aunt, and the pasts of Matt, Mello, and Near. All of that is made up. Just for clarity's sake. I know this is a cliff hanger. I'll have the next chapter up soon. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Kittea, AlisterRainbow, Haruhi Komodori, Shiruwanasu, Micuko, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, KitaraStrife, -LavenderkisseS-, Yagami Night, and smokescreened for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine.

* * *

"He's gone," Mello said. Near had been as silent as possible, but Mello's paranoia and years spent living in high risk situations had made his sharp hearing even sharper.

"Why are you up here?" the pale boy asked as he approached.

Mello shrugged and turned his face up toward the sky. "Thinking. Wishing it would rain."

"Can't you think somewhere safer?" Near replied almost teasingly. He had come to rest his arms on the wall next to where Mello sat. Just looking over the side made the pale boy ill, but the blonde just sat there with his legs dangling over the side, never mind the fourteen story drop. Near's base was a smaller replica of L's base in Tokyo.

"Nope," the older boy smirked. "You remember how L's reasoning ability dropped if he sat normally? Mine drops when I'm in a safe place."

"Now you're just being ridiculous," Near complained.

"No I'm not," Mello answered. "All those years of being shot at will do that to you. Touch me and I'll hurt you."

Near's voice dropped to a low murmur. "No need."

The elder frowned and looked down at his pale rival. There was a dark black and purple bruise marring the left side of his face. Mello was stunned. "He hit you."

Near simply nodded and Mello told him to step back a little. Quietly he swung his legs back over the wall and studied the tiny boy for a moment. Something wasn't right in the way he stood. "What else did he do to you?"

"It's nothing," Near said, dismissing the question. "Are you alright? I saw him shoot at you."

"Yeah, he just startled me," the blonde said. "Seriously. What did he do to you?"

"Kicked me," Near admitted. He seemed almost embarrassed. "Not hard, but he cracked my last rib."

Mello was incredulous. "He didn't kick you hard, but he broke something?"

Near nodded. "You know it isn't hard to injure me. That's why I always left the fighting to you two. Why do you care?"

Mello shrugged. "Dunno. It just doesn't seem like Matt. That's all. What are you doing out here, anyway?"

"Nothing," Near said softly.

The blonde studied him for a moment. "He's left before. He's only shot at me once before, but we were fighting. He's never hit me out of anger; at least, he hasn't unless I hit him first. I don't know what to tell you."

"I wasn't expecting you to say anything," the tiny boy said, settling to the ground. He looked broken. And Mello really didn't have anything to say. Normally he would have made a jab about how weak Near was, but it was Matt who had hurt him so Mello remained silent, just watching.

_

* * *

It's too damn bright._ Matt couldn't focus as he urged the car to go faster. He was already out of Manhattan and doing a hundred and twenty down an empty Jersey highway. The speed only fed his adrenaline. Anger coursed through his veins as he followed the road at dangerous speeds, just driving until he had no idea where he was. 

Finally stopping when he was thoroughly lost, Matt got out and stared up at the brilliant blue sky. _Why is it so damn bright? __Stupid sun.__ It should be raining._ It was almost like the sky was taunting him. On the western horizon the sun was nearly at the level of the land and soon it would start to get dark. _I tried to shoot Mello. I didn't try. I just shot at hi__m. I didn't want to hit him… d__id I? Why am I acting like this? _

_Near. I hurt him. I wonder what I did to him. He's so frail I probably hurt him pretty badly. But he compared me to _her_. Mello I don't mind so much, but I never wanted to hear about _her_ ever again. I was content to forget her. How did he know? As far as I know, only Mello knew about that.__ He wouldn't have told __Near__, w__ould he?_

_Why would he say that?_ Matt shuddered as he thought back to the time he had spent in his aunt's _care_, if you could call it that. That was how he had ended up at Wammy's in the first place. Not that Wammy's wasn't better than living with _her_, on the contrary it was a wonderful change, but it was her fault he was an orphan to begin with. _Near couldn't have known. He wouldn't have said something like that __if he had known, w__ould he? He had to have known. _

And then there was Mello. It shouldn't have bothered him; it was no different than before the incident. But things were different now. Matt had changed and so had Mello. Then again, Mello had been demanding before about everything. This was the first time since the incident that he had dared to attempt forcing Matt to submit and it was only because he felt Matt's safety was at stake. That was the reason, wasn't it?

And the previous night. He knew there would could a time when Mello would push him too far and he wouldn't listen when the blonde told him to stop. He didn't want it to happen, but he knew it would if Mello kept on like that. If this had been before the incident, that wouldn't have bothered him; Mello would have been pissed, maybe refused to speak to him for a couple of days, but nothing more. Now if something happened he risked losing Mello permanently, assuming he hadn't already.

He had shot at him. _Way to go, genius._ Mello wouldn't trust him. It had taken nearly seven months to get to where they were and he had ruined it all in under a minute because for the first time in a long time he had lost his temper. All because Mello had pointed a gun at him. It wasn't like that hadn't happened a million and one times before. _Stupid, stupid, stupid!_ Mello threatening him was a good sign; it meant Mello was making progress. If he could even get anywhere near Mello now it would be a miracle.

Matt buried his hands in his hair, sighing, and stared up at the mocking blue sky. _God, you must really hate me.__ Mello, what have I done?_

* * *

"What did you say to him, exactly?" Mello asked finally. The sun was beginning to sink below the western horizon, staining the sky the colour of blood.

"I said I knew he wouldn't shoot you," Near mumbled, knowing Mello would be angry that he had seen them fight. "I told him I'd have him arrested for murder if he tried to leave – I don't think I'm going to, by the way. Then he threatened me and I told him how he had become just like you… and her."

Mello actually winced at that. "His aunt?"

Near nodded and pressed a hand to his side experimentally. He pulled away with a grimace.

There was a sharp sound as Mello sucked air in through his teeth, then low speech. "I see why he hurt you."

"I know she had him after his parents were murdered and I know she did something to him, but what exactly was it that she did?" Near asked.

"You don't know?" Mello seemed surprised. He watched Near shake his head before explaining.

"She was a monster," he hissed. "She was one of three children; Matt's father had one sister and one brother. His uncle was convicted of the murders, his father's brother. Matt swears, though, that it was her. She killed them with a gun that belonged to his uncle, who was staying with her at the time.

"Matt was three then." Near didn't question, because he had experienced Matt's frighteningly accurate memory for himself. He listened as the blonde continued. "As his only living relative – his mother had no siblings – she was given custody of him. No one listened when he said she killed his parents, since she looked very much like her brothers and it had been the middle of the night and dark, and Matt was just a scared child. As far as they were concerned the killer was in prison awaiting execution.

"Anyway, she had him for a year. During that time Matt fell ill and nearly died. When she finally took him a hospital after one of her friends threatened to take Matt from her some very interesting things turned up. Matt commented to one of the nurses that he didn't like his aunt very much; he said she was mean to him. When the nurse asked him what he meant he told her that she had made him sick. Sure enough, it turned out he had been poisoned. She was sent to prison for child endangerment and attempted murder, and Matt was sent to Wammy's. His intelligence didn't go unnoticed by the hospital staff.

"Matt swore that when she got out of prison he would kill her. He hates her. I understand why he hurt you if you compared him to her," Mello said closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them he didn't look at Near, but up at the quickly darkening sky stretching out above them. _Where is Matt right now_ he wondered, anger and fear forgotten amidst the memories. Wherever he was, Mello desperately hoped he was safe. One thing that had been nagging at him since he had seen the red car speed off down the street was that Irvin was still out there. He knew Near had had the same thought, but they both knew that looking for their friend was pointless. Matt had always been good at vanishing, so all they could do was wait and hope for him to come back.

* * *

Darkness was beginning to fall over the redhead and he still had no idea where he was. Quietly and casually he glanced around at his surroundings as he stood leaning against the side of his car. Something didn't feel right. There was no one there, but he could feel the presence of another being. The oddness of it frightened him. Had he been in the city he wouldn't have cared. He might have drawn his weapon and shouted a few threats, maybe waited for the other person to slip up and give himself away, but this was different. There was nothing out here. All he could see in all directions was fields of tall grass and woods. There was something out there, watching him and waiting. Suddenly he wondered if he had just spent too much time alone in the dark watching horror movies. Then the sound of a twig snapping sounded from a nearby stand of trees and that was all the confirmation he needed. There was defiantly something out there. 


	41. Stalked

**A/N:** Hola. Chapter 41. Sorry this is so short and it took so long to update. I probably won't update again until Sunday at the earliest on anything. Not too much to say. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Tora-Star, Yagami Night, Shiruwanasu, AlisterRainbow, KitaraStrife, Micuko, Superr SaDist, blindyourears, and blonde-de-nuit for reviewing!

**Disclaimer:** Same as always.

* * *

The thin man watched the boy curiously. He was defiantly one of them, one of the successors. If he remembered correctly, and he was certain he did, this was the third, the one called 'Matt'. The pale man moved cautiously through the trees, staying low and out of sight. The boy had sensed his presence; he was looking around to see if there was anyone here. It was evident that this boy had no idea how to operate out in the open and the man smiled as he thought back on his military training. Grey eyes watched as the boy pulled a pair of orange goggles down over his eyes and fumbled behind him for the door handle. There was a flash of emotion as his nervousness took over, but it was gone just as quickly. Slowly the man eased his way forward, toward his target.

He couldn't believe he had been so lucky. When this red haired boy and the hostage had first moved to that skyscraper where they were currently staying with the first heir he was certain that he wouldn't have another chance to capture them. He had been wrong. He'd had a hell of a time following the kid, he'd give him that, but now it was all over. A triumphant smile worked its way across his face as he thought of his victory. The boy was obviously lost. That would make things so much easier.

A sudden cracking sound dragged him from his thoughts and he nearly swore as he saw the third freeze. Before the man could blink the red haired heir was back in the car, coaxing the engine back to life. Quickly he made his way back to the motorcycle he had dumped at the tree-line, watching for the boy to move.

* * *

That snap was all the proof Matt needed. Someone was defiantly watching him. He was already in the car, engine purring, before he realized he still had no idea where he was. _Shit_. That was _not_ good. Panic flooded him and he froze for a moment before swinging the car around and starting back the way he had come.

* * *

"So where do you think Matt is?" Mello said, finally breaking the silence that had hung over the two boys for the past quarter of an hour. The sun had sunk halfway below the horizon and Mello had finally looked back at the smaller boy. He was shivering from the cold, but Mello said nothing.

"I don't know," Near said softly. "I'm going in. It's too cold out here."

"Suit yourself," Mello said, leaning back to look at the stars beginning to show in the darkening sky. Near winced as the blonde leaned dangerously far out over the edge of the roof. "Come with me," he said suddenly without thinking. He didn't want to leave Mello out here leaning over the edge of the roof. Matt would never forgive either of them if he fell.

Mello sat back up and stared at him. "What?"

"Come with me," Near repeated. He looked so pathetic, shivering like that and with the bruise across his jaw, that Mello grudgingly obliged.

"Fine. Just don't expect me to be all sympathetic and shit like Matt," he said as harshly as he could manage. "I still don't like you."

"I know," the pale boy replied calmly. Mello nearly smiled at the small, defiant smirk on Near's face.


	42. Fear

**A/N:** Hola! Chapter 42. So it's been a month and a day since I updated this. It's been giving me issues. Sorry! Anywho, Mello's a little more normal. And Matt... I'll just let you read. On with the chapter.

Thank you to Shiruwanasu, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, Super SaDist, KiraxMomo, Haruhi Komodori, AlisterRainbow, Con Fuoco, Micuko, KitaraStrife, ShuichiPup, Trinny Dream, ClOuDs-N-rAiNbOwS, and Le.Moldeh for reviewing!

**Warning:** Name spoilers for L and Matt, spoilers for episode 25 (and the corresponding manga chapter).

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

Matt had only been driving for about half an hour when he noticed someone on a motorcycle behind him. The road was still deserted aside from the two of them and he sped up in an attempt to get away. It was no use. The man on the motorcycle sped up until he passed Matt and swerved in front of him, forcing the red head off the road.

* * *

"He'll be back," Near said quietly, watching as the boy across from him snapped off another piece of chocolate. 

"Do I look like I care?" the blonde growled, irked that Near had been watching him for the past half an hour.

The pale boy just stared blankly at him and muttered two words. "Chocolate binge."

"Just because I don't want him dead doesn't mean I want him here," Mello said coldly. "He's a threat."

Near narrowed his eyes slightly. "No he isn't."

The blonde snorted in disgust at the comment. "How can you say that? He hurt you and you say he isn't a threat. He's shown that he's not as gentle as we thought, or as calm. He's always been careful about you, but he hurt you. He's snapped. He's dangerous."

"No he isn't," Near repeated. "Mello are you listening to what you're saying? It's ridiculous."

"How is that ridiculous?" Mello shot back. "Consider what happened."

"He isn't going to hurt you," Near said calmly.

"'Next time you threaten me I won't aim high,'" Mello quoted. "That doesn't sound like a threat at all." He rolled his eyes, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Near studied him for a moment, his face blank. When he spoke his voice lacked any emotion. "What about July, when you moved in with him? I'm pretty sure you didn't see him as a threat then. And he told me about the hospital. Everyone was a threat except him. And last night?"

Near flinched imperceptibly as Mello's fist crashed down on the table. "Shut up!" the blond barked, standing and leaning across the table. "You don't know when to stop do you? Or don't you remember that I would have no qualms about killing you. You don't know anything about what happened. None of it! And unless you want to, you should just keep your mouth shut. Trust me, I could make it so that you do know. And hell would look better than life after that. You don't know so just stay the fuck out of my business."

Without another word he turned and stormed off, the soft sound of Near's footfalls as he followed only adding to his rage. He ignored it until he reached the room he was staying in. As soon as he opened the door he turned around and pulled Near inside by his shirt collar. He kicked the door closed and watched Near wince as his back hit it. Mello pinned him easily with a hand to his throat. He wouldn't press hard enough to hurt him – yet. For now he just wanted to let Near know that he would break his neck or crush his windpipe or whatever else he saw fit to do if Near made him any angrier.

"What do you want?" the blonde spat.

Near didn't struggle. He didn't move at all. When spoke there was no fear in his voice. "To help."

"Then go away," Mello answered coldly.

"If I go away you'll hurt yourself," Near said, tugging at the sleeve covering the arm that held him. "That wouldn't be helping. I want to help you find him."

"Why would I do that?" Mello sneered, pushing his sleeve back down with his free hand. "And have you considered that I don't want to find him?"

"You would hurt yourself because you're in pain and you don't know how to deal with it," Near replied calmly. "And I know you would rather I find him than let the thin man find him."

Mello's eyes widened. He let his hand drop and watched as the frail detective coughed lightly and rubbed his throat. But there was no use in asking sympathy from someone like Mello. "Talk. Now. Before I decided to kill you anyway."

"I don't have anything," Near said. "I would need your help."

* * *

Matt was torn for a moment between leaving the car and staying put. In a split second decision he came to the conclusion that it would be better to flee. He stood a better chance of getting help if he didn't get shot first. Of course as soon as he was out of the car he decided that had been the wrong course of action. The first shot missed him, but the second found its mark in the back of his knee. _That's right_ he remembered when he stumbled. _Our suspect was a sniper._

* * *

Grey eyes watched as the red haired boy got out of the car and ran haphazardly into the woods. Without a sound the man pulled a gun from the holster under his jacket and fired one shot. He nearly swore as it hit a tree and the boy moved faster. The second shot, however, met its mark and the child went down like a wounded deer. Good. One step closer to the objective. 

The thing about these children, if they could be called that, was that they would not be missed. Sure, there might be a search, but it would be difficult since no one knew who they were or what they looked like. Only the people at Wammy's knew that. Just like only Wammy's knew about him. And another nice thing, he mused, was that the public would never know of their deaths. When Lawliet had died, no one knew but the Japanese police force. And Wammy's. Wammy's seemed to know nearly everything, except how to catch him.

* * *

Matt could hear his heart racing as the man approached him. He was tall and thin, with a limp seemingly caused by an old injury to his left knee. As he removed his helmet Matt was met with a piercing grey stare. But the worst part of all was when the man crouched next to him, smiling, and spoke. 

"Hello there, Mail."


	43. My Fault

**A/N:**Hola! Chapter 43. So it's been approximately _forever_ since I updated this. Sorry about that. I've had a bad case of writer's block that I just can't seem to shake. I hope to get back to writing soon, but you'll probably notice that all but one of my stories are either finished, discontinued, or on hiatus. Anyway, not too much to say so on with the chapter.

Thank you to Haruhi Komodori, Shiruwanasu, XxMailxXJeevesxXMihaelxXKeehlxX, ClOuDs-N-rAiNbOwS, Con Fuoco, Trinny Dream, AlisterRainbow, Karin Babbitt, Micuko, KitaraStrife, SincerelyRainbow, Akai-neechan, D's silly G, Kaze Kimizu, Kiogy, K-cho, and Whisper-Otonashi for reviewing! And thank you to everybody reading this for being patient with me!

**Disclaimer: **Nothing's changed in the last month and fifteen days since I last updated.

* * *

"Hello there, Mail. You're going to come with me," the man said. His voice was friendly, but his smile was just as cold as the one Mello had always worn when conducting unpleasant business for the mob. Matt had a hunch he wouldn't make it out of this alive.

Moments later he was back in his car, the thin man having taken his keys, and they were speeding down the highway. It wasn't that Matt hadn't fought, it was just that he couldn't fight very well in his current condition. If his leg hadn't been injured he would have stood a chance. As it was he was quite sore; he was certain he had a few decent bruises. The man had bound his hands behind his back with something resembling zip ties. He had been told it was just to keep him from causing problems in the car, but he didn't believe the man.

"I would assume you know who I am," the grey eyed man said, frowning when Matt shook his head. "Oh come now. I know you do. I'd say you know a decent bit about me. After all you hang around with the blonde kid and the both of you have been living with the first heir for some time now. Don't give me that look. You knew I knew where you were. That's why you moved in with Lawliet's heir, Nate."

"What do you want?" Matt demanded, trying and failing not to sound nervous.

"Don't play dumb," the man said far too cheerily for Matt's liking. The redhead was a hostage, not a friend, after all.

"Are you going to kill me, or use me as a bargaining chip?" Matt asked with relative calm, all things considered.

"Well, I'd thought about just killing you," the man said thoughtfully. "But then I figured you'd be more useful alive. Besides, it'll be more fun to keep you around."

Matt took a deep, shuddering breath and fell silent, trying to fight down the panic he was feeling. The thin man's idea of 'fun' was likely to be just as bad as what Mello had been through, possibly worse. After all, with the exception of the thin man Mello's captors hadn't been smart, just lucky. He just had to hope that Mello and Near would look for him.

* * *

"Do you have any idea where he might have gone?" Near inquired. He and Mello were sitting in Near's control room. Mello was edgy and Near was concerned and they were no closer to finding Matt.

"No," Mello replied. All the talk about the possibility of Matt being kidnapped had made him jumpy. It had been nearly twelve hours since Matt had stormed out. Memories of his captivity were beginning to surface and cloud his reasoning.

"You've been his captive before, so you stand a better chance of knowing," Near started and Mello didn't like where the question was going. "Where is he likely to take him and will he be moved?"

Mello scowled unconvincingly. He was too scared to look angry. "They locked me in an underground room and left me there. What do you expect me to know? You're supposed to be the genius here."

Near raised an eyebrow at this. "And you?"

"I'm the idiot who got us into this mess by getting caught in the first place," Mello answered miserably. He couldn't help feeling that this was his fault. If he hadn't been caught, none of this would have happened. If he hadn't been so weak, he wouldn't have needed Matt and the other boy could have gone on with his life free from that particular threat to his safety. Or if Mello had just died in captivity like he was supposed to… He could feel himself starting to shake and forced the thoughts from his mind. "You're L's heir. You're the one who's supposed to catch people like _him_."

Near watched him intently. There was something very wrong. "He didn't choose me, you know. We could have worked together. You could have –"

"Shut up!" Mello barked. "Don't you think I know that? Don't tell me what I could have done, just help me find Matt."

Near brought up several maps of Manhattan and the surrounding area on the screens that lined the walls before pausing and looking up again. "What's wrong?"

Mello just stared at him for a moment before answering. "Are you completely stupid? What do you think is wrong?"

"I know Matt is gone," Near said quietly. "And I know you are upset about that, but there's something else. If it's bad enough that you can't control it – you're shaking right now – then it's going to impair your reasoning. So you'll be of more use if you deal with it and get it out of the way."

"I suppose you're right," Mello replied, glancing down at his scarred wrist. The fingers of his left hand quickly found the pressure point there and he drove his nails into the flesh. "This is my fault. I know you're going to give me a million reasons why it isn't, so just don't talk. If I hadn't let them catch me, none of this would be happening. If I hadn't been so weak when I got out, I wouldn't have needed Matt. Then Irvin could have just killed me and you two would be safe. I was supposed to die. They meant for me to die. I was never supposed to get out. If I had just died like I was supposed to I wouldn't be here causing problems for everyone else. I'm not worth this. I'm just the idiot who never quite made the cut. I've never been worth anything."

"Mello," Near cut him off. The blonde had started talking faster and he was going to hyperventilate if he didn't get his breathing back under control. "Slow down and breathe. You're no use to me unconscious. And let go of your wrist; you're making it bleed.

"Your argument is probably one of the least intelligent things I've ever heard from you. The Mello I remember would never say things like that."

"The Mello you remember died in that hell," Mello said icily.

"Then you're just going to have to bring him back, because I'm going to need him to help me find Matt," Near said. "I am one hundred percent certain that you did not intend for them to capture you, so you cannot blame yourself for that. As for when you were rescued, I would not have allowed you to be released from the hospital if you had refused to be placed in Matt's care. Do not forget that as the new L I can pull strings. If you had been left alone after what you went through you would have died. And Irvin still would have come after me at least because he knows I am the new L and that I would eventually figure him out. And if you died then you would be no good to anyone. All of that aside, I cannot believe you're still upset about rankings at Wammy's. You know they meant nothing."

"They meant everything," Mello said quietly.

"You're being very immature," Near chastised. "Think for a moment. Maybe you weren't the best at the things they tested us in, but look at what you did before this. You had to be shrewd to work your way up the ranks so quickly and not get yourself killed. You have strong points. Granted they tend to lie on opposite side of the law, but you are still number one. When you were in power Manhattan would have ceased to function if you so wished. I know. I was watching. I kept tabs on you through all of that in case you ever did anything I would need to take care of. Keeping track of you wasn't an easy task, either. Now stop your moping and don't do any more damage to yourself. I need you alive and well if we're going to find Matt."


End file.
